To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

Very unequal relationship if you are considerate of his needs and comfort but he is oblivious to yours.

Either he is awful or you are a martyr.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

Octomore I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but would anyone suggest that a man do this?

Ionlydomassiveones
Cooking dinner for everyone isn't a fun treat for the cook. Why should the OP do household chores to stave off insanity on a visit that she doesn't want to take part in?

Agreed and I can’t think of anything worse than a bloody sausage casserole. Some people really do have a people-pleasing, don’t-rock-the-boat-cook-a sausage-casserole-for-wankers-who-make-no-effort-for-you handmaiden mindset.

Chill, people, it was a joke! The clue's in the grinny face..

Sorry - it's very hard to ascertain tone nd whether something is a joke sometimes!

I also think your ILs need to make an effort to visit you too.

@HarlanPepper

If it's that hideous a time then just stop going. It doesn't really matter what they think, you clearly don't like them anyway! You've not said anything positive about either of them in any of your posts, and your whole attitude is one of exasperated, put-upon superiority.

I wouldn't want someone staying in my house who thought so little of me. It's clearly not a problem for you to go on your own to your parents' house, so I don't see why your husband can't do the same, though this does appear to be a mind-blowing concept for you, for some reason.

If you acted the way the DPs parents have would you expect to be thought much of? They sound so very inconsiderate and rude.

In addition the DP and his parents are requesting her company so that may be the “mind-blowing” reason she has gone along with the insanity for so long. It goes to show that trying to please everyone pleases no one in the end.

If you wish to still go and visit but make it more bearable time wise you need to cut down to Sat lunch time to Sunday just after lunch.
We have done this recently just because we take the kids and its too long the Friday to late Sunday.
I love my in laws but you need a plan. Winter doesn't help but I would say go to a garden centre with a cafe with MIL for a couple of hours or a walk if possible. Does anyone have NT membership. If they won't go then just go without and say you can't sit cooped up all day just popping out to do XYZ need to get so and so a card from nice garden centre and take your time.
You are still spending enough time with them evening etc. Or will they go out for a meal the Sat night local pub or something.
Either don't go or plan a shake up to make it more pleasant.

@FarDownTheRiver they don't sound 'inconsiderate and rude' to me, they just sound like people who don't make a big effort to host. I have family like that - they invite us to visit, but they don't roll out the red carpet. They just live their normal lives when we're there. Of course I could make them sound like awful people if I wanted to; I could list all the things they do when I'm at their house that I wouldn't do if I had guests, but I like them and care about them, so I don't focus on those things.

My point is, OP doesn't like her in-laws, is not comfortable in their house, and goes to visit her own parents on her own in any case, so I don't see what the big deal is.

I wouldn't want someone staying in my house who thought so little of me. It's clearly not a problem for you to go on your own to your parents' house, so I don't see why your husband can't do the same, though this does appear to be a mind-blowing concept for you, for some reason.

Did you even read OP’s posts? Obviously not.

[quote HarlanPepper]@FarDownTheRiver they don't sound 'inconsiderate and rude' to me, they just sound like people who don't make a big effort to host. I have family like that - they invite us to visit, but they don't roll out the red carpet. They just live their normal lives when we're there. Of course I could make them sound like awful people if I wanted to; I could list all the things they do when I'm at their house that I wouldn't do if I had guests, but I like them and care about them, so I don't focus on those things.

My point is, OP doesn't like her in-laws, is not comfortable in their house, and goes to visit her own parents on her own in any case, so I don't see what the big deal is.[/quote]
You see to me they do sound at best inconsiderate and at worst rude and that is little to do with hosting. Doesn’t mean they are terrible people but it isn’t how I would want to spend my time and showing so little regard for me I wonder why they would deserve any in return? OP has tried to make her partner happy by attending and it is awful he hasn’t even noted her own discomfort or boredom or thought to ask either. The apple may not fall far from the tree here

But to me this is rude/inconsiderate. It isn’t even red carpet treatment to not do the following. Just fairly standard interaction

• not talking to OP or showing any interest in her
• not asking if she even enjoys what they watch

/ if she has any preferences

• being judgmental if she wants to do her own thing like read in her bed
• the FIL not even offering if someone wants something when he gets his cake

Just don't go so often. It doesn't sound like you get anything out of it.

We really don’t value the concept of family these days, unless they are of use that is! 😏

Go every other time or less frequently

Why don't you do some of what you like doing while you're there - Eg go out for a long walk / go out for lunch / write your ToDo list / make phone calls (from a different room) / study's language /knit etc (whatever your hobbies are).

I love bag puss, op has said they refuse to go out.

They only like sausage based meals.
They watch back to back sport

There is no talk.

I am staggered by posts suggesting she acts like a prisoner!!

@user1471604848

Why don't you do some of what you like doing while you're there - Eg go out for a long walk / go out for lunch / write your ToDo list / make phone calls (from a different room) / study's language /knit etc (whatever your hobbies are).

But what on earth is the point of visiting them if the OP then goes out or ignores them the entire time?

Far better to just stay at home than to travel a long distance just to avoid your hosts.

@HarlanPepper

If it's that hideous a time then just stop going. It doesn't really matter what they think, you clearly don't like them anyway! You've not said anything positive about either of them in any of your posts, and your whole attitude is one of exasperated, put-upon superiority.

I wouldn't want someone staying in my house who thought so little of me. It's clearly not a problem for you to go on your own to your parents' house, so I don't see why your husband can't do the same, though this does appear to be a mind-blowing concept for you, for some reason.

The inability to read the OPs posts before pontificating on a completely fictional narrative you have constructed should be a mind blowing concept, but after years here, the general attitude of posting a load of irrelevant to the situation bollocks is par for the course.

OP has said he goes by himself often. It's not a fucking mind blowing concept, it's her fucking reality most of the time, which you would be aware had you, you know, read the fucking thread.

This sounds very much like my family dynamic when we go and visit…we almost just slot back in to being in our own home/childhood environment where we don’t stand on ceremony, make ourselves at home and watch TV together drinking tea and idly chatting. Because of the distance we go for a full weekend. DH finds it completely baffling (and stifling!) so we compromise in that he doesn’t come every single time and when he does we leave after breakfast on the Sunday so he can have a bit of weekend.

Just wanted to give the opposing perspective. These visits are very precious to me so I can understand your DPs POV (as well as yours because it sounds very reminiscent of DHs complaints when he’d dutifully come along to all visits early on in our relationship)

Stay home or make plans to go and visit places whilst there,pre book tickets so you 'have ' to go.😀
You never know you might invigorate them to come with you next time.

You are not being unreasonable to resent it. However don't just put up with it, do something else with your weekend. Make plans and discuss it with your husband along the lines of ' I have arranged to see X person this weekend so I'm not seeing your parents with you this weekend'. Obviously if X is your Ex then that's a whole different conversation you should be having with hubby!!!! You could then join him on his family visits occasionally instead of every week.

Apologies littlepieces, sorry I realise you don't go every weekend.

The way to deal with it is to move much nearer to them. That way you can call in for a cup of tea once a week , with or without your husband , then you have no need to see them more often , and certainly not for a full weekend.

I guess the bit that I forgot to add is that it depends how much it means to your husband to have you there. I do appreciate it when my DH visits with me so I guess that depends whether you consider doing something because your OH appreciates it and it’s important to them a waste of time? If he’s not too bothered then just make your own plans.

Anyone else imagining the Royle family?

Every few months? And your DH enjoys the visits? That's do-able. Take a good book along, and when they settle in, open in and read. It's your choice not to take him to your DPs' house to visit...perhaps a few trips might show him how mind-bendingly boring you fine his parents.

Not read all the replies but can’t you take work or something to occupy you or a good book or some kind of hobby?
Is there any shopping centres or good walks you could do? Treat a what I’d do and have in the past! If you feel like you have to go then use the time to do stuff for yourself and what you enjoy
Surly you don’t have to spend every minute with them all?
I would also suggest going for less time