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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:25

*embarrassed and upset

OP posts:
bbtatoes · 23/02/2022 10:27

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/02/2022 10:30

I would let your niece know, no doubt your sil will say something. They’re the ones that should be embarrassed not you

Sorry for your loss and that your family are either thoughtless or arseholes.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 23/02/2022 10:32

So she hasn't invited you to the lunch and doesn't know about the surprise party, so as far as she is concerned, she hasn't invited you. No way would I go.

Do you have to give excuses to your DN? Can you just not go - it's not as if your sister would miss you it is? If you feel you have to make your excuses then ring DN and tell her you can't get a lift but you presume it's OK if you don't go because your sister isn't expecting to see you anyway.

LittleOwl153 · 23/02/2022 10:33

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Iloveacurry · 23/02/2022 10:33

You need to ask your niece why you’re not invited to the lunch when your brother has been invited. See what she says.

FelicityPike · 23/02/2022 10:35

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This.
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 23/02/2022 10:35

I think you have been treated very shabbily. I wouldn;t go.

MillyMollyMandyMaybe · 23/02/2022 10:36

I’d return the gift and get your money back, and spend it on doing something nice for yourself on that day.

If they’ve chosen a venue which isn’t accessible for you, and not changed it when they realised, then they should all get in the sea.

Unless there’s some backstory about you causing issues in the past when you all get together, then they are just horrible people for not including you, and don’t deserve your company. My mum would never have let this sort of thing happen in our family - not that anyone would have suggested it in the first place.

Lookingforatimeslip · 23/02/2022 10:38

I’m really sad for you OP. I would suggest texting your DN saying you’re struggling to get a lift to the party as everyone else is attending the lunch. Do you want to go to the party? I can see why you’d be really hurt.

WhatTheFlap · 23/02/2022 10:41

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

I’d do this - they’re the ones who should be embarrassed. I’m so sorry for your loss, hope you’re ok
Yicky · 23/02/2022 10:41

Don't worry about them thinking you are petty. Don't worry about them thinking anything. Just have a nice day doing something nice. I like the PP's idea about bringing the present back and using that money to do something good yourself that day. You'll not need a present if you aren't at the birthday.

SausagePourHomme · 23/02/2022 10:44

I second "they can ask get in the sea"

Twats

Tomeeornottomee · 23/02/2022 10:44

^ this.
And get a refund on the gift. And have some cake 🍰 and flowers 💐 I really feel for you. It’s an awful feeling when family excludes you. X

SausagePourHomme · 23/02/2022 10:44

*all

wtfwasthatmate · 23/02/2022 10:44

Write what LittleOwl said. And tell them all to fuck off. Assholes.

I'm sorry about your dh Thanks

Tomeeornottomee · 23/02/2022 10:45

Sorry I meant to quote little owl in my above post.. but it went wrong.

Satingreenshutters · 23/02/2022 10:48

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Perfect
Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:49

Definitely not because the restaurant isn’t accessible for me. I thought I was closer to my sister than I obviously am. Sad Also no backstory about my causing issues.

OP posts:
Stressedout1009 · 23/02/2022 10:49

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This. If they care enough to leave you out they can bugger off.
AnotherDelphinium · 23/02/2022 10:50

Unless there’s some backstory where you’ve been a PITA over food/restaurants before, then it’s really off.

I’d message DN as PP have suggested and see what is said.

3peassuit · 23/02/2022 10:52

LittleOwl has the perfect response. Definitely get a refund on the gift and treat yourself with the money. It’s a shitty way to treat someone and it’s made worse by your recent bereavement. They should be rallying around you at the moment.

Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:53

@Iloveacurry

You need to ask your niece why you’re not invited to the lunch when your brother has been invited. See what she says.
Pretty certain that my sister would have chosen who to invite to the lunch, as I am almost certain that my DN (also my goddaughter and she was my flower girl) wouldn’t have missed me out
OP posts:
LadyPropane · 23/02/2022 10:53

Absolutely what LittleOwl said

BorderlineHappy · 23/02/2022 10:53

People are just arseholes.
Bring the gift back,and look after yourself.
Is there a friend you can do something with that day.?

They should be ashamed of themselves.

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