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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 23/02/2022 12:00

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Yep, I would do this. The cheek of them asking you to make food and buy wine then as well!

So sorry OP, how nasty of them especially when you're probably feeling lonely atm too having lost your DH recently. So sorry for your loss as well :(

Babyroobs · 23/02/2022 12:04

This is so hurtful. I would not want to go either. I seriously don't know what is wrong with some people.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 23/02/2022 12:05

How awful. I definitely wouldn’t go to the after party and bring food and wine under the circumstances. What a bloody cheek to ask you to do that. Don’t just fail to turn up though or you’ll look like the flakey one. I’d definitely tell either DN or DSis that you are not going and the reasons why.

Ursusmajor · 23/02/2022 12:06

OP, this is shit, sorry you’ve been treated badly.
It’s a minor point, but I never bring alcohol to events where I am not going to be drinking alcohol (due to pregnancy/breastfeeding/driving). I bring a nice bottle or two of something fun or a bit luxurious and non alcoholic. Or a nice dessert/nibbles. Or both. If someone asks me to bring wine I just interpret that as ´nice non alcoholic drinks’.

Merryhobnobs · 23/02/2022 12:07

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This as well.

I would have been so hurt of I had not known prior to the party and just sat there and found out. It's rude.

Calmdown14 · 23/02/2022 12:11

Mumsnet is so keen to press the nuclear button and never speak to family again.

Agree with those saying pick up the phone. It could be that an initial smaller meal was booked and then SIL has said 'oh we are free that day/ in town so we'll join you.'

Perhaps you've expressed in the past how difficult you find couples type meals without DH so they are actually having the after party to try and make it easier.
The bring a bottle request is just a standard 'this is informal bring your own drink' request in shorthand so just take what you drink in the same way others will bring gin or beer.

It sounds like you really need your family. They may have behaved badly. Nothing wrong in letting them know they've hurt your feelings but it seems extreme to start cutting them out.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 23/02/2022 12:15

By the way your SIL accidentally did you a favour in blabbing about the lunch, otherwise you might have gone to all that trouble and expense then found out at the after party there was a lunch you weren’t invited to. How shitty would that have felt? At least you know in advance and can take action accordingly!

DukeofEarlGrey · 23/02/2022 12:16

Based on what you've told us (no backstory, no obvious reasons for being excluded) I find this baffling and would assume some bizarre misunderstanding. I would ask DSis why you haven't been invited to the lunch. Ask with positive expectation and without being emotive and see what the answer is. You are definitely within your rights to be upset if they really have excluded you without good reason but I would give them a chance to explain before assuming. And above all, sorry for your loss Flowers

TrufflesAndToast · 23/02/2022 12:17

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
Because that’s less shitty…?!
MrsWinters · 23/02/2022 12:22

It’s supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun for you don’t go.
Quite frankly I’d say to your DSis “I hear your having a bday lunch, I’m quite hurt not to have been invited. Is there any reason you’ve chosen to exclude me?” You don’t need to ruin the surprise, but she might have just thought you didn’t want to go- but I wouldn’t worry about putting her on the spot because If she has just excluded you then it’s pretty mean.
If she doesn’t want you at the lunch, then I’d go to the cinema, or book a facial and treat yourself.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 23/02/2022 12:22

It does seem that they’re using you to provide food and drinks for the party, doesn’t it ☹️
I would just send a message saying that, as a pp said, you cannot get to the party because of not having transport and that you are unable therefore to provide the refreshments.

crosstalk · 23/02/2022 12:23

OP I would slightly rephrase the message "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch" to the following

"sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there as everyone I've asked for a lift is at the lunch. Hope you all enjoy it and that (DSis) likes what I chose for her."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/02/2022 12:24

I really think you should phone your niece and tell her that you've spoken to mean SIL, who has told you they're all invited to the lunch.

YOu should also point out that, if you can't leave your car somewhere near your sister's house, then you can't attend.

MAKE your niece explain why you are not invited to the lunch - honestly, these people only get away with this shit because everyone is too embarrassed to ask - it's really fucking RUDE to have excluded you, especially if your brother is going.

Maybe they're trying to be "sensitive" to the fact that you've lost your DH, and don't like being in large groups - but if that was the case, then you'd be better going to the family party and giving the surprise party a miss!

I hope you can resolve this because I don't think you really want to miss your sister's 60th entirely.

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/02/2022 12:24

First of all double check messages in case you have missed anything and have been invited ,it’s very odd as there is no history to exclude you , also by law places have to be accessible
Going to the lunch rather than after party would suit you best so I hope it’s a mistake/ miscommunication

grapewine · 23/02/2022 12:25

@EnjoyingTheSilence

I would let your niece know, no doubt your sil will say something. They’re the ones that should be embarrassed not you

Sorry for your loss and that your family are either thoughtless or arseholes.

This. Tell them. And then don't go and return the gift. They all sound pretty awful.
tkwal · 23/02/2022 12:26

Is it possible they tried to take your circumstances into account ? If you're at a restaurant you would be stuck with whomever you are initially seated beside whereas at the "after party" you would have more freedom to vary who you chat to and take yourself off somewhere quiet if things got a bit much for you. There must be a way for you to access the house ? I'm assuming there's no parking but surely a taxi could drop you off and pick you up. I would suggest you speak with your niece , let her know what your SIL said and see what her response is. I say speak rather than text because it's easier to convey your real meaning, the format of texts make things easier to misconstrue. I believe in always trying to do the correct thing , so give the gift you had planned to anyway, wish your sister a happy birthday and I hope everything turns out as you would have wished

Phobiaphobic · 23/02/2022 12:26

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
Not sure that would make her sister appear any better, morally speaking.
Phobiaphobic · 23/02/2022 12:27

MAKE your niece explain why you are not invited to the lunch - honestly, these people only get away with this shit because everyone is too embarrassed to ask - it's really fucking RUDE to have excluded you, especially if your brother is going.

I so agree with this. If people were made to explain themselves, it would be a lot harder for them to play their games. You deserve an explanation, OP.

FunnyGoingsOn · 23/02/2022 12:29

I’d phone up if you are able to.

If not then I’d text littleOwls text but I’d also add on something to say that you would also feel awkward coming as everyone else in the immediate family was invited to the meal and you weren’t. Especially as you don’t know why.

I like littleowls text but on its own it’s too subtle and could be disregarded by the niece.

If it were me I would be tempted to phone your sister directly. Could it be that she didn’t arrange the meal and that other people were treating her?

User1isnotavailable · 23/02/2022 12:29

[FLOWERS]

User1isnotavailable · 23/02/2022 12:30

oops my failure

Sorry they have treated you so poorly @Cantleave

sending some Flowers don't go and get refund on gift and spoil yourself instead

antwacky · 23/02/2022 12:31

@Cantleave Wow!, I'm so sorry about this, I'm raging o your behalf, families can be so shit at times. I would do exactly what Liittle Owl suggested. Flowers

Fallulah · 23/02/2022 12:34

You already had quite a list of reasons why you didn’t want to go to the party before you found out about the lunch. Do you want to go to the lunch? Is it possible your family know about your difficulties and are clumsily trying to avoid you having to say no and feel awkward? I acknowledge this has spectacularly backfired now.

People do unintentionally insensitive things after someone is bereaved. They may feel guilty having a big celebratory lunch. This doesn’t explain why the niece is inviting you to the party though, although maybe it is her being unintentionally insensitive. You won’t know unless you ask. I’d ask your sister rather than the niece.

Do you want an invite to the lunch though? Because that might be the outcome if you ask the question.

ShowMeTheSugar · 23/02/2022 12:34

I think I'd just ask outright. Passive aggressive messages feel good but are less likely to get to the bottom of it (and I'd want to know).

"Thanks for inviting me to the party. I spoke to A to discuss transport and was told A, B, C, D etc have all been invited to the lunch. Is there a reason I wasn't included? I'm quite hurt to be left out when other siblings are going. As it stands, I might struggle for transport to x's House if I'm travelling separately, but can let you know".

Derbee · 23/02/2022 12:34

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
Even that would be unacceptable. If your SISTER is disabled and you’re going out for a meal with your siblings and children, you choose an accessible restaurant