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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Bitconfusedhmm · 05/03/2022 23:02

So sorry Flowers

Mellowyellow222 · 05/03/2022 23:04

I am sorry it played out like this - but you have behaved impeccably.

I hope all her champagne is flat 😊

TreatTrimTame · 06/03/2022 00:03

Op you sound lovely, im so sorry this happened to you

billy1966 · 06/03/2022 00:09

I too am sorry this unnecessary hurt has been visited upon you.

Don't dwell on it.

In the scheme of all the pain you are dealing with, having lost your husband, it must feel so trite and trivial.

Mind yourself Flowers

TortolaParadise · 06/03/2022 00:12

This reminds me of many years ago when I was invited to a hen party abroad. I had to pay my own flight and hotel and only while out there did I become aware of the fact that I also absorbed the travel and accommodation cost of the bride to be! The sister of the bride (organiser) failed to mention that when informing of the cost. Insult to injury I was only invited to the evening dinner and not the wedding. I get it is their day and they can do what they want.....friends and family have their own logic! You have been through a lot, sending you a hug.

Mellowyellow222 · 06/03/2022 11:02

@TortolaParadise is it not normal that the brides costs are included? This has been the arrangement for every hen party I have gone to.

And you were invited to the wedding - just not the full thing.

I don’t really think it’s the same as poor OP experienced with her sister.

Frazzled50yrold · 06/03/2022 11:12

You've behaved so well in a very difficult situation. I feel a little sorry for your niece and it might be nice to catch up with her for a cup of tea at some stage.Onwards and upwards, have a lovely day.

Walkingalot · 06/03/2022 12:04

Yeah, I also feel sorry for the DN Frazzled. She was put in a very awkward position and maybe she wasn't telling you the full story. You'd have thought with you losing your DH so recently that they'd all have bent over backwards to include you, make you welcome. Some families, hey!

buckeejit · 06/03/2022 15:35

You did more than could have been expected OP. Extra kind of you to send flowers considering. Hope they weren't too expensive mind!

notanothertakeaway · 06/03/2022 17:16

I think you handled this well

It's horrible to realise you aren't as close as you thought

I do feel rather sorry for your niece

Timetoretiretospain · 06/03/2022 18:11

@Mellowyellow222

I am sorry it played out like this - but you have behaved impeccably.

I hope all her champagne is flat 😊

Love this 😊
Original poster
Cantleave · 06/03/2022 21:45

Thanks everyone for your support, you have all been lovely.

I messaged my DN today, just to ask if everything went okay (to be honest I was being nosey). Only 9 turned up for the “Surprise” so think a few of those invited found out that most were invited to the lunch! She said it was awful and made things very embarrassing for both her and my sister! She said that there were some not very nice comments and she had been messaging people today apologising to them over what had happened! Apparently my sister did ask if I had been invited!! My niece made the excuse that “I wasn’t well, so couldn’t come!” I’m a bit miffed she lied, but let it go.

I am going to tell my sister how hurt and upset I was, next time I see her (which could be months, as I won’t be making the effort), as I can’t just pretend that everything is okay between us!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantleave · 06/03/2022 21:53

[quote crowsfeet57]@Cantleave, I think you made the right decision. You have behaved with dignity throughout.

My own sister has done this kind of thing to me more than once, including only inviting me to the evening of her wedding after I had made the wedding cake and bought bridesmaid dresses for her daughters. Many years without this kind of behaviour had lulled me into a false sense of security only for her to start up again this week.

I have read your posts with sympathy as I know this behaviour can be hurtful. Sending you hugs[/quote]
This makes my situation pale into insignificance, beside what your sister did! I am so, so sorry that you were treated like that. Why do people hurt those, that are meant to be important to them, like this? Absolutely awful. For you 💐

OP posts:
Zonder · 06/03/2022 23:15

I'm really glad you are going to tell your sister @Cantleave

SparklingLime · 07/03/2022 02:34

Your niece does sound to have been awfully wet throughout, OP. She seems so keen to avoid any possible unpleasantness with her DM that everyone else is left to be offended/hurt.

Billybagpuss · 07/03/2022 06:52

To be honest, whether your niece lied or not, your sister will read between the lines and know that you know you were excluded and know that she behaved horribly. Ball is now in her court.

Hope you feeling ok and not too down about it all 💐

GabriellaMontez · 07/03/2022 07:48

Your niece has a strange role in all this... lies to you to spare your feelings. Lies back to her Mum because... what ? It's awkward? Guilt? There is a strange dynamic at play, I'm not sure if this is to do with her or her mum.

theremustonlybeone · 07/03/2022 08:10

I am assuming the invite your sister is referring to was for the surprise party not the lunch?

billy1966 · 07/03/2022 08:31

@GabriellaMontez

Your niece has a strange role in all this... lies to you to spare your feelings. Lies back to her Mum because... what ? It's awkward? Guilt? There is a strange dynamic at play, I'm not sure if this is to do with her or her mum.
Agree.

Your niece is quite the liar isn't she?

Very comfortable in telling lies.

I would be wary OP.

Your niece and sister are an embarrassment and her contacting people afterwards is just embarrassing herself further.

They knew well what they were doing in their choices and forged ahead.

The surprise part was nothing more than a humiliation experience for those who found out.

I would say it will neither be forgiven nor forgotten.

At least you know where you stand, which is always useful.

I would be very wary of anything your niece tells you.

Someone who has such little regard for the truth is never to be trusted IMO.

Eddielizzard · 07/03/2022 10:34

What a train smash. Why on earth didn't DN say something when your sister made the lunch into the main event? Whole thing very badly handled.

liliainterfrutices · 07/03/2022 13:18

Your niece behaves as if she is frightened of her mother - is this the case? She seems very anxious about people pleasing, and has done the classic thing of pissing off everyone.
I hope you are feeling as OK as you can be, OP.

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/03/2022 21:08

You have handled this with dignity, OP. You are right to discuss it directly with your sister but even more right not to go chasing after her.

However, I wouldn’t discuss it any further with you DN. She clearly lies very easily to tell her mother what she wants to hear. It would be prudent to assume that she is capable of doing the same to you.

UniversalAunt · 07/03/2022 21:14

‘Apparently my sister did ask if I had been invited!! My niece made the excuse that “I wasn’t well, so couldn’t come!” I’m a bit miffed she lied, but let it go.’

I agree with other pps that your DN lies with far too much ease. Possibly she’s a people pleaser but that doesn’t account for so much fibbing £ pot stirring.

So your sister is told that you are unwell, wonder how long it takes her to find out how you really are? Maybe she knows full too well that her DD is lying.

What a shower, absolute shower.

Xpologog · 07/03/2022 21:26

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

^ This. Your family have treated you badly. I’m very sorry for your loss. After my DP died I had trouble in large numbers of people, found noise very difficult to cope with. It all seems to be part of grieving and these things all lessened over time. Have you tried an online widows group ? I found that very helpful without the need to meet people.
LadyNell · 07/03/2022 21:42

Condolences on the loss of your husband OP, I lost mine suddenly 4 years ago.....bereavement brings out the worst in some people you certainly find out who your friends are...even family. All the best to you x