Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 23/02/2022 10:54

That's awful. If it was just your sister and her family that'd be grand. But your brother/ SIL and other ppl are invited. My DN/ Goddaughter is only 5 but if this came up when her mam reaches 60 I will certainly ask her why I am not invited.

Do not let this fester, don't explode but do ask or it will eat you up.

Stressedout1009 · 23/02/2022 10:55

That's awful op, and to do this to you after losing your dh. Just send the message above and don't attend.

KosherDill · 23/02/2022 10:56

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This is what I'd do.
SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 10:57

You could but I would personally say you'd love to come but can't due to not being able to get a lift as all the people you'd go with, brother etc are going to the lunch. That way they know you know their shitty behaviour.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 10:59

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This is a good messqgw
WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 10:59

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Absolutely this. It is perfect.
hairymorag · 23/02/2022 10:59

I would be upset too and wouldnt go to the party at all. Your SIL is a shit bag too with her smug response. I would send the response that another person said up thread

EmmaH2022 · 23/02/2022 10:59

@Cantleave

Definitely not because the restaurant isn’t accessible for me. I thought I was closer to my sister than I obviously am. Sad Also no backstory about my causing issues.
Sorry if .i misunderstood but it sounds like your Dsis has no idea about any of this?
Oxborn · 23/02/2022 11:00

I’d be texting asking why you didn’t get a invite and then saying sorry I can’t make the after party hope I haven’t ruined the surprise.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/02/2022 11:00

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

100% this. It's neutral and factual.

If for whatever reason you do get strung into going (your sister didn't know and they invite you to the lunch) do NOT take any wine and do not "make" anything for the after party. You gave your gift already.

Fucking horrible behaviour on their part.

The only silver lining is whether she meant to or not your mean SIL dis you a massive favour Wink

Spend your time and energy on yourself and other people Flowers

theremustonlybeone · 23/02/2022 11:00

EmmaH2022 the sister is aware of the lunch just not the surprise party afterwards

Outlookmainlyfair · 23/02/2022 11:02

That is so sad, from what you have said so far it does sound really horrible! Let’s hope that is some reasonable reason why as unlikely as it sounds from what you have been told.

mam0918 · 23/02/2022 11:02

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
The world's shittiest and abilist thought process... as someone with disabled family members yes it's hard to cater for but I would NEVER leave them out.

Disability is hard enough without being punished for stuff out of your control... I mean who the fuck picks a venue over a loved one.

Even fucking worse that they know she is lonely, grieving and struggling and they kick her when shes down.

Zoom101 · 23/02/2022 11:02

If I was in your shoes, I’d be incredibly hurt and would be tempted to send @LittleOwl153’s message, not to your niece, but to your DSis ‘by accident’ just to spoil the surprise party.

However, in real life, I wouldn’t do this as am too much of a coward and just talk a good game and besides, the fallout could be huge.

Whatever happens, I hope you manage to have a good day that day and treat yourself to something nice. Stuff the lot of them!

BeckonCall · 23/02/2022 11:02

It's particularly awful to exclude you when you've just been bereaved.

Are your siblings generally kind to you or not really? Can you think of any reason at all your sister would leave you off the list for the lunch?

emmathedilemma · 23/02/2022 11:03

Totally missing the point but I'm baffled as to how/why cars aren't allowed at her house?!?

Mammyloveswine · 23/02/2022 11:03

Thats awful! But could sil have wrangled an inivite for her and brother?? And told sister that you cant come?

If your sister knows id just ask her why you have been left out..so what if shes uncomfortable!!!

What a nasty spiteful bunch they all sound!

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:04

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
Wtf. So they have chosen a special restaurant over having their sister (recently bereaved as well) there ? What a shallow cow.
Brefugee · 23/02/2022 11:04

Don't worry about them thinking you are petty. Don't worry about them thinking anything. Just have a nice day doing something nice. I like the PP's idea about bringing the present back and using that money to do something good yourself that day. You'll not need a present if you aren't at the birthday.

yep this. They aren't worried about upsetting you, why should you worry about upsetting them?

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:04

@emmathedilemma

Totally missing the point but I'm baffled as to how/why cars aren't allowed at her house?!?
I think coz its a surprise so they can't see the cars there.
EmmaH2022 · 23/02/2022 11:05

@theremustonlybeone

EmmaH2022 the sister is aware of the lunch just not the surprise party afterwards
Okay, sorry

I would just not go to any of it and return the gift.

I'm sorry OP.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/02/2022 11:05

Awful. Do send the email suggested earlier.

MakeMineALarge1 · 23/02/2022 11:06

This has really saddened me, you're disabled, struggling with your mental health and recently bereaved and they do this to you?

Queenkarm · 23/02/2022 11:07

Op sorry for your loss of dh, this is the time you need love and support from your family not this awful treatment. Personally I would not attend the party, can you just imagine how you would feel if SIL did not tell you who are going to the lunch and you turned up at the party then you found out you would have been so hurt. I would not turn up for the party no explanation and as pp have said have a day enjoying yourself with friends Flowers

TonksInPurple · 23/02/2022 11:08

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This
Swipe left for the next trending thread