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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Louisianagumbo · 23/02/2022 11:21

Added to my previous comment. If it's as you say, that you've been excluded from lunch despite being on good terms, I think its perfectly understandable that you'd feel upset. I'd be devastated....and mad.

KaptainKaveman · 23/02/2022 11:22

Horrible treatment OP, especiallu since they know you lost your dh recently Sad. I agree you should send that factual message and then leave it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/02/2022 11:23

Golly op, your family are a delight aren’t they! And i am sorry for your loss. Littleowl has it spot on

WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 11:23

Given your sister knows who's coming to the lunch and it's basically the family minus you, I would actually assume that she does not want you there for whatever reason and had she known about the after party you would not have been invited to that either. Maybe your niece feels bad that you've been excluded.

ThackeryBinks · 23/02/2022 11:24

Do yourself a favour and don't go! Can you return the gift and get something a bit cheaper? I'd then spend that money doing something nice for yourself.

Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 11:26

I’d even text your sister simply that not being invited to the dinner when everyone else seem to be is beyond hurtful and in all honesty a dealbreaker for you. Wish her a truly happy birthday, and return the gift.

AgathaX · 23/02/2022 11:26

What a horrible situation. As so many others have said, I'd respond with little owl's message.
I certainly wouldn't be handng over an expensive gift. Get a refund and treat yourself.

Bigboysmademedoit · 23/02/2022 11:26

I’m so sorry - horrible thing to do. They’re using you as catering staff for the after party. Keep your dignity - let them know you know (another vote for LittleOwls response). Downgrade your present and treat yourself. Don’t be drawn into any more discussions with them - they’ve shown their true colours. Sorry you’re going through this.

RandomMess · 23/02/2022 11:27

I would just tell your niece that you can't get there as it seems the rest of the extended family who you could have asked for a lift are going to the lunch.

BungleandGeorge · 23/02/2022 11:28

I think you need to speak directly to your niece and see why you haven’t been invited if it is the case that others are going. I wouldn’t trust you SIL to have told you the truth as you don’t get on and it sounds like she’s deliberately trying to hurt you

Eightiesfan · 23/02/2022 11:29

OP you need to speak to her niece and be direct. To be honest she is probably flapping about trying to get enough people in the house for the surprise part as most of the ‘guests’ will be at the lunch, and has been thoughtless enough to not understand how mean spirited it is not to have invited you, she is only thinking of her mum, which is fine, but she has clearly not thought her actions through.

XiCi · 23/02/2022 11:30

It sounds like there must have been a huge misunderstanding. Please don't stew on it and just ask your niece. Or is there anyone else you would be comfortable asking such as your brother?

Roselilly36 · 23/02/2022 11:31

YANBU, no wonder you are feeling upset, I would be too. Flowers for you OP.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 23/02/2022 11:31

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This is honest. I'd do this.

And if you do end up going absolutely do not bring a bottle of wine. I am a drinker and would always bring a bottle or two with me but I would never expect a non drinker to contribute alcohol. To my mind it's like asking a non-smoker to contribute a packet of fags!

JackieQueen · 23/02/2022 11:31

Im so sorry for your loss opFlowers. I agree with littleowls post, don't put yourself out. Such hurtful treatment.

fabulousathome · 23/02/2022 11:31

That's so awful. If they think you might not have wanted to come to the lunch for grief reasons they at least should have asked.

It's extremely poor behaviour on whoever did the lunch arrangements.

nanbread · 23/02/2022 11:31

The other thing I've thought of is whether they might think both the meal AND party might be too much for you given your disability, so they've only invited you for one?

WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 11:32

YABU
You say you’re struggling because you’re disabled, can’t afford a taxi and being in large groups because of your MH so they probably thought going to a lunch and then a party would be too much for you to cope with or you wouldn’t be able to afford it.

If you want to go to the lunch just ask if you can come too.
It would make more sense so your mum doesn’t suspect anything and you can get a lift too.

I get why cars aren’t allowed there as it will ruin the surprise but you need to be honest about not being able to afford a taxi.
The same with the alcohol, it’s a good idea if everyone brings something but just explain that you can’t afford wine so you’ll bring a bottle of pop instead as not everyone will drink anyway.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/02/2022 11:35

@BungleandGeorge

I think you need to speak directly to your niece and see why you haven’t been invited if it is the case that others are going. I wouldn’t trust you SIL to have told you the truth as you don’t get on and it sounds like she’s deliberately trying to hurt you
If that is true when she sends @LittleOwl153 message her niece would text back saying something like "what? Who has said that...? I don't understand as its only our immediate family going for lunch... no one else was invited? Let me call you and sort it out" Bushes won't because that is not what's happening here...

Also @Blossomtoes in the OP she said its multiple other people AS WELL as DB and family.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 23/02/2022 11:35

@emmathedilemma

Totally missing the point but I'm baffled as to how/why cars aren't allowed at her house?!?
I was also thinking this. Surely there's somewhere to park nearby?

However, that isn't really the point if whoever is organising the lunch has left out the OP.

Bananarice · 23/02/2022 11:38

Does your dsis know you are currently struggling being in a large group and thus didn't invite you to essentially a large group meeting?

RachelGreeneGreep · 23/02/2022 11:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with pp. I would send a gracious message and leave it at that. I also agree that you should check to see if you can get your money back and buy something small, if you still want to give her a gift.

Jvg33 · 23/02/2022 11:39

Does your sister know about the lunch? If so, I would tell her and that your SIL took delight that you couldn't go. In fact, I would tell your brother that she was happy you couldn't go and spread the rumour. Why should in laws get to decide how your family get to celebrate a special birthday? I know it sounds pretty but there you go

JuergenSchwarzwald · 23/02/2022 11:39

@SugarAndCoffee

I just couldn't imagine having a big birthday meal and leaving a sibling out
Not quite the same but SIL (BIL's wife) had a 60th birthday lunch last year. SIL (DH's sister) was invited but not DH. Admittedly SIL lives much closer to them and it wasn't a big do but I thought it was a bit off. DH doesn't know, I just noticed it on FB. Families are weird, as a pp said.
skgnome · 23/02/2022 11:40

LittleOwl153
I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

This, do this, and if it was your SIL being petty your DN will immediately reply with a “no, who wave you asked” and you know what’s the real issue

If it’s really extended family going… then, can you return the gift? Just send a bunch of cheap flowers, and use the money on you and have a lovely day instead