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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 23/02/2022 11:41

In the future refuse to talk to sister in law on the phone due to the rumour of her happy you weren't going. In fact I would make it up that someone told you she deliberately didn't want you invited and you won't say who said it. Sorry I am so angry about your situation. Why should someone be deliberately missed out?

RincewindsHat · 23/02/2022 11:41

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Yes, I'd do this. Disgraceful behaviour from them, and your SIL sounds rather nasty too.
TwoBigNoisyBoys · 23/02/2022 11:41

Another vote for sending @LittleOwl153’s message.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I really hope there’s an explanation for all of this and it’s turned out to be a misunderstanding.

Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 11:42

I can’t help wondering what your dh would have thought of this situation op.

Chloemol · 23/02/2022 11:42

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This
Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:43

Please can you just check with your sister op.
Right now, just text her about the lunch.
Not the niece - there is too much that can be lost in translation.
You need to know the true position of your sister - and not hearsay.
Pls message her and update - if there is a misunderstanding it could cause a permanent family rift.

LittleOwl153 · 23/02/2022 11:43

I wonder if the after party is your nieces (clumsy) way of picking up those she thinks should have been invited but whoever is organising the lunch chose not to?
Your nasty sIL clearly knew you weren't invited. I wonder how many others know.
I hope you have other support IRL OP as I'd be ditching thus lot theybare clearly no good for you.

TonytheDog · 23/02/2022 11:43

That's really mean. I'd send LittleOwl's text too. Return the gift and buy yourself a treat.

MichelleScarn · 23/02/2022 11:44

Will ds not wonder why there's a convoy of cars going from the restaurant to her house? Or will she be delayed while they all rush round? I wouldn't rely on sil words. Call your nice!

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:47

Pls message her and update - if there is a misunderstanding it could cause a permanent family don't feel you have to update us OP this is your life.

XiCi · 23/02/2022 11:47

I wouldn't send Little Owls text as it's just a statement that requires no reply and OP will be none the wiser about why she hasn't been invited.

Does your sister know about the lunch OP or is it a surprise? If she knows just pick up the phone and talk to her. You say you thought you were close so this shouldn't be a difficult thing to do. It sounds implausible that a sibling would be missed from a birthday meal if there is no back story. Really hope it's just a misunderstanding

DameOctaviaOstrich · 23/02/2022 11:49

I wouldn't spoil the surprise, it would make you as bad as them. They have behaved appallingly though
Send Owls message then walk away

wildthingsinthenight · 23/02/2022 11:49

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This
Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:51

I said update once you know your sisters actual position not to help pp but for further advice about the party/gift/next move.

Op describes a close relationship with her sister, so surely it is imperative op knows this was her sisters choice for op not to be at the lunch, and not a decision made by others or a simple mistake!

We can’t assume anything

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/02/2022 11:51

@Bananarice

Does your dsis know you are currently struggling being in a large group and thus didn't invite you to essentially a large group meeting?
Whoever is organising the lunch should in this case have asked, not assumed, that OP would feel unable to attend a large social gathering.
Lalala1 · 23/02/2022 11:51

I think it sounds like it's your DN that has organised the lunch with your DB,SIL and whoever else your SIL said to you.

I think your DSiS knows she's going to a birthday lunch but thinks it's only her immediate family(children/partners and grandchildren) and she doesn't know others are coming as that's a surprise too!

I'd text your DN what @LittleOwl153 said and see what she says. I wouldn't ask your DSIS until you see what DN reply is

Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 11:51

Chances are if op asks her sister why she wasn’t invited the sister will feel pressured to say it’s a mistake and invitation must have been lost or something. That is why Little Owls message was good.

daisypond · 23/02/2022 11:52

As your sister knows about the lunch, just ask her directly why you haven’t been invited to that, as you understand x, y and a have been. That would be my first stop.

Snaketime · 23/02/2022 11:52

I'm going to be devils advocate here, but does your Dsis know about the issues you are having at the moment so didn't invite you to the lunch as she didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Either that or your sil is lying to you to put you off going?

Pluvia · 23/02/2022 11:53

I like Little Owl's message and would suggest approaching the issue from that angle. I can imagine how hurtful it must feel that the whole day seems to have been designed to exclude and marginalise you.

Do you get on with your brother? I'd be horrified if my sister's family organised an event but left out our other sibling for no good reason. I wonder why he hasn't said anything?

User8721643839 · 23/02/2022 11:54

Don't go 🤷‍♀️
It's an invitation not a summons

poetryandwine · 23/02/2022 11:55

I am so sorry about all of this. I agree the text suggested by @LittleOwl153 is excellent.

But it may put DN on the defensive and she may distort the situation to others. Is there some way you can keep it clear, especially for DSis?

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:56

Better that op is invited to the lunch - even if she doesn’t/is unable to go - than potentially the breakdown of all the relationships op has with her family. Maybe they will come to their senses if she had been overlooked, or it is a simple mistake.

It is probably optimistic but I hope it’s a genuine oversight. It does happen. It should at least be ruled out.

RockinHorseShit · 23/02/2022 11:58

YABU
You say you’re struggling because you’re disabled, can’t afford a taxi and being in large groups because of your MH so they probably thought going to a lunch and then a party would be too much for you to cope with or you wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Urgh, ableist claptrapHmm. The OP is perfectly capable of deciding her limits for herself & does not deserve to be babyfied due to disability

OP you are right to be upset. I'd decline with the text above, but agree it leaves room for no reply & you deserve a reply, so I'd tweak it a bit

"Just letting you know that unfortunately I won't be able to make the party as I've just found out no one is able to give me a lift as they are all apparently at DSis birthday lunch party.

I was unaware of this part of the celebrations, so it was a bit embarrassing to find out this way. Would you mind telling me who organised the lunch as I'm surprised this is the first I knew of it

Good luck OP, they are behaving dreadfully

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:58

I think your sister thinks it’s just immediate family too, and doesn’t necessarily know siblings have been invited.

Call her and talk about it.

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