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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 23/02/2022 11:08

also really like PPs idea of accidentally spilling the beans about the surprise party "by accident"

Didiusfalco · 23/02/2022 11:08

This is not on. I like Littleowls response but if you don’t want to use this, then by all means be ‘Ill’ whatever you do, don’t feel like you have to pay for taxi’s, wine and expensive gifts - they don’t deserve it!

Heartofglass12345 · 23/02/2022 11:08

Can you speak to your niece and ask who organised the lunch? I wouldn't be afraid of making a fuss in this situation to be honest, me and my sisters and mum always get together for our birthdays for a meal. Nothing fancy but we like to get together so I would be gutted if this had happened to me. I can't imagine how hurt you're feeling right now Sad

SpicePumpkin · 23/02/2022 11:09

This is awful! I wouldn't want to go either now. But I would message your Niece, also after the event I would have a quiet word with your sister about why you weren't there. Don't be embarrassed, they should be! Your SIL sounds like a twat too!

My own bridesmaid didn't invite me to the day part of her wedding. But her hairdresser and his boyfriend got an invite. After I went on a very expensive hen do with her and a group of girls I knew well. People are weird.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/02/2022 11:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:10

I just couldn't imagine having a big birthday meal and leaving a sibling out

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/02/2022 11:10

I’d return the gift as well & send a card instead.

Horrible way to treat you.

SmellinOfTroy · 23/02/2022 11:11

Why are no cars allowed at your sisters house?

Rosenborg · 23/02/2022 11:14

Ring the niece rather than texting.

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:14

Your sister knows about the lunch I would be asking her directly why you haven’t been invited. Is there a problem….
I would tell the niece regardless of your sisters reply that you can’t make the party, you are not well enough to attend.
Depending on the lunch response then decide what to do with the present. Unbelievably poor behaviour op, I am so sorry Flowers

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 11:15

I don’t understand. If you can’t afford a taxi, how could you afford to go out for lunch? I wonder if your brother and his wife have gatecrashed the lunch.

ChampagneLassie · 23/02/2022 11:15

What outcome do you want? Do you want to go to the restaurant for the lunch? Would that be preferable to the party? It doesn't sound like you want to go to the party. Rather than assuming the worst - perhaps DN who you spoke to didn't know the others had been invited. I'd call DN back and discuss it and you could decline the party as it sounds like it will be a bit much for you in any case. Whatever the outcome perhaps organising to see your DSIS separately on her own might be better for you?

LadyCatStark · 23/02/2022 11:15

What a shitty thing to do when you are going through so much. I think you would actually BU to not call them out on it. I’d send @LittleOwl153’s message but remove the sorry as you have nothing to be sorry for.

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:16

It might be that you have been missed off accidentally and your sister has no idea. I would talk too her directly to be sure she actually knows. I can’t believe she would be so cruel, but nothing surprises me anymore.

TheMadGardener · 23/02/2022 11:17

Send the message suggested above and see what happens.

But if you've just lost your DH and your family aren't rallying round you and trying to make you feel included then they are pretty horrible. Flowers for you OP.
I'd return the expensive gift too.

Maybe message your sister saying you hope she has a nice birthday lunch with her children but saying you were surprised and hurt to hear DB and SIL were invited but not you. Then see if she can excuse that behaviour towards her widowed sister.

GeraldinesVicarage · 23/02/2022 11:18

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

I would definitely send this message or something similar.

They may have a reason for not inviting you to that part that is not malicious. It's definitely worth asking. Could it be they thought you wouldn't cope with the restaurant but would feel more comfortable back at their house?

Completely understand your upset though x

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/02/2022 11:18

Whether the OP can afford the lunch really isn’t the point. The issue is that she didn’t have the chance to say ‘Thanks for the invite, but I can’t afford it’ - she was just excluded.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:19

@WomanStanleyWoman

Whether the OP can afford the lunch really isn’t the point. The issue is that she didn’t have the chance to say ‘Thanks for the invite, but I can’t afford it’ - she was just excluded.
Agree. Who are they to assume she can't afford it?!
Louisianagumbo · 23/02/2022 11:19

Do you think you're good friends with your sister and you've had no fall-outs? If so, why don't you ring her up, and ask her why you're not invited? Don't just go off half cock, find out the facts first. If you can't face your sister, ring your brother and speak to him directly. How you handle it could cause a schism in your family and you don't want to do that before you know exactly what's going on.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 11:20

@WomanStanleyWoman

Whether the OP can afford the lunch really isn’t the point. The issue is that she didn’t have the chance to say ‘Thanks for the invite, but I can’t afford it’ - she was just excluded.
She might not have been excluded at all. It’s entirely possible her brother has gatecrashed. Just pick the phone up and speak to your niece @Cantleave.
FeliciaMcAspieGreer · 23/02/2022 11:20

I'm so sorry OP. Agree with Little Owl advice.

This family dynamic sounds awful.

Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 11:20

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This is the perfect reply. Please don’t make excuses, you have nothing to excuse. Text them this, and don’t even feel you have to reply to whatever comes after. You will feel stronger, and that is very important for you right now.
nanbread · 23/02/2022 11:21

That's awful I'm sorry. I think the message someone suggested above about not being able to get a lift as everyone is at the lunch is perfect.

You say you don't get on with SIL, could that be behind it?

Can you speak to your brother? How's your relationship with your siblings generally?

ANameChangeAgain · 23/02/2022 11:21

Agree with all of the above.
They actually asked you to provide the food and wine for the party? Absolute CFs.

Truffled · 23/02/2022 11:21

I wonder if your sister has not invited you to because you are recently bereaved and therefore to be avoided! It’s a horrible and insensitive way to treat someone who’s grieving. I agree with Littleowls response and am sorry your family have been so shitty.

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