Just invited to “After” party

[Cantleave]

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

Just wondered, when your sister asked had you been invited, did she mean to the lunch or after party? Really your niece should have cancelled the surprise and invited everyone to the Lunch. She could have worded it in a way that meant she didn't have to pay for everyone.

@Moomoo75

Just wondered, when your sister asked had you been invited, did she mean to the lunch or after party? Really your niece should have cancelled the surprise and invited everyone to the Lunch. She could have worded it in a way that meant she didn't have to pay for everyone.

I also wondered this. Along with DN’s strange behaviour and your SIL stirring the pot, I wonder whether there has been a misunderstanding with your DSIS?

Not to make excuses if she has directly excluded you, but until you speak to DSIS directly rather than secondhand through unreliable family members, you don’t know what actually happened. Maybe SIL or DN told DSIS that you told them you didn’t want to come. If DSIS didn’t do the invites directly then maybe something was lost along the way.

Please do clear the air and be sure to let your sister know that you weren't ill and you could have attended the restaurant but your niece didn't invite you to it. She did however invite you to the 'afters' which was supposed to be a surprise party back at the house and it was that, having found out about the restaurant bit happening beforehand, you chose not to attend as it was coming across to you as an after-thought not just an after party.

I don't buy that the niece was afraid of the OP's sister and lied to cover up. She could easily have set the record straight either at the restaurant, or when they got home and was asked where OP was. I'm also not buying the lost in translation as a decent niece would think to invite her aunt to an event and leave it up to the aunt to decide whether they can or can't make it, irrespective of whatever the event is.

What I am thinking is that your niece is silently jealous of whatever close relationship you have OP with your sister, her mother and was trying to sabotage that.

I think you should clear the air too (if you can bear it), you are going through a really tough time, and you will need your family (as hopeless as they obviously are). They have behaved really crappily, but I think a meet up with your sister so that she can apologise would be a good start.

I would have found the lunch/party pretty hard while I was grieving, but it will be nice to have someone to go for walk, coffee in the coming months when you're feeling so low.
Wishing you the very best in future OP and sending lots of

Apparently my sister did ask if I had been invited!! My niece made the excuse that “I wasn’t well, so couldn’t come!” I’m a bit miffed she lied, but let it go. I am going to tell my sister how hurt and upset I was, next time I see her (which could be months, as I won’t be making the effort)

Seeing that your sister is now aware that you were apparently 'unwell', did she get in touch to see how you are doing now? If not, I'd find that quite extraordinary!

But when did your sister ask if you were invited.

At the lunch when she realised you weren’t there?
But surely she knew she hadn’t invited you? Why would she expect you there?

At the after party?
But that assumes she was ok with you being excluded from the lunch as the after party was a surprise (apparently).

Anyway niece obviously says what she thinks people want to hear, rather than the truth.