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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

237 replies

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:16

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 21:20

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I guess whatever worked on you works on her too. She probably believes whatever he's told her about you not accepting the money or whatever.

Some women like to think they're the ones who "tamed" him. There's a certain allure to being the Arsehole Whisperer.

Hospedia · 22/02/2022 21:23

Usually because the new partner gets spun a line about how the ex-partner a "psycho" and "uses the kids as weapons" alongside stories about him being barred from seeing the kids, how it breaks his heart, how he would send maintenance money but the "psycho" will just spend it on nights out, manicures, and hair extensions so he doesn't bother as the kids won't see a penny of it. Alongside this they will usually remind their new partner that they're a changed man, that she has saved him, that she brings out the best in him, and so on.

Original poster

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:26

@DrSbaitso

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I guess whatever worked on you works on her too. She probably believes whatever he's told her about you not accepting the money or whatever.

Some women like to think they're the ones who "tamed" him. There's a certain allure to being the Arsehole Whisperer.

Thanks. But the difference is he didn't have a child at the time. It doesn't take a criminology degree to see that the evidence doesn't add up.

OP posts:

Original poster

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:29

@Hospedia

This rings true.

His parents know the truth, they've seen me crying.
But I guess having a fresh new grandchild to play with is more fun than cutting off your son for not doing right by his first child.

OP posts:

BlackMagicWimpund · 22/02/2022 21:30

Because many abusive men are good at identifying vulnerable partners who can’t/won’t see them for what they really are. They can also be very charming/manipulative. I’d save your disgust for them rather than their victims tbh, though I know it’s frustrating. Sounds like you’re well shot of him!

LovelyQuiche · 22/02/2022 21:33

Some people are truly excellent at lying

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 21:35

Because they’re never deadbeats to new people.

They’re the victims of bitter horrible ex’s who don’t let them see their child.

eye roll

Original poster

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:37

@LovelyQuiche

Some people are truly excellent at lying

I suppose I just feel like if I were the partner to someone with a 'psycho ex' I'd say. "Oh, that's terrible, she destroyed all your court paperw? let's save up for new lawyers."

"Oh, she just spends the money? Let's set up a direct debit for school dinners." Or something.

OP posts:

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 21:40

My ex is the same, he probably has had another child since DD was born 6 years ago, it wouldn’t surprise me if he did, but he sure as shit wouldn’t stick around to raise it if he has.

Pretty much every other sentence that comes out of his mouth is a lie however he’s not capable of keeping up with the bollocks he’s said over long periods of time, oddly enough his family choose to bury their heads in the sand, and even worse, they covered for him when we were married.

The damage he would do to DD if he were in her life is immeasurable (he has other issues too) so I’m fucking grateful he’s useless and I moved very far away from our hometown so I don’t know nor care what he tells people about me.

UrsulaBursula · 22/02/2022 21:42

Your deadbeat ex probably had an ex before you is saying the exact same thing.

Elsiebear90 · 22/02/2022 21:42

You were once attracted to him and happy to be in a relationship with him, so I would imagine she likes him for the same reasons, plus he’s probably not been honest about his situation with his kids. He’s going to be the innocent victim with a vindictive ex more likely, and it suits his new partner to believe it.

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 21:44

But the difference is he didn't have a child at the time. It doesn't take a criminology degree to see that the evidence doesn't add up.

These things aren't logical. If they were, nobody would be in relationships with tossers, male or female.

Whatever charm he used on you, he used on her. She'll take whatever explanation he gives because it's more palatable than the idea that she's been hoodwinked and has to take back everything she's invested in the idea of him and what she is in relation to him.

We see women on here all the time with clear twats. Sometimes they're deadbeat dads, sometimes they're something else, but it's plain they're shitbags. Just the other day we had one who kicked the dog and hassles OP for sex but she's not leaving because it wasn't a hard kick and he's lovely really and totally knows he's on his last chance, she'll definitely walk if he does XYZ. We get them every day. Once you're invested, it's very hard to admit you misplaced your love and none of this is real.

sadpapercourtesan · 22/02/2022 21:44

Some are lied to. Some are dysfunctional themselves and don't see the problems. Some actually prefer the deadbeat dad, as they don't particularly want to deal with stepchildren so the lack of relationship/expense is a bonus.

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 21:46

@DrSbaitso and once you’re out of it, you feel like a complete twat and how could I, an intelligent woman, have fallen for this shite? They are so skilled at manipulation, and they do a lot of that before they start lying and gaslighting.

It’s fucking traumatised me and I will likely never have another relationship as I clearly cannot spot red flags.

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 21:47

I suppose I just feel like if I were the partner to someone with a 'psycho ex' I'd say. "Oh, that's terrible, she destroyed all your court paperw? let's save up for new lawyers." "Oh, she just spends the money? Let's set up a direct debit for school dinners." Or something.

Maybe you would now, in the situation you're in and knowing what you know. Before all that happened, though, honestly...would you? Did you excuse any red flags and shitbag behaviour at earlier points while in the relationship?

Maybe you didn't, I don't know. But it really wouldn't surprise me if you did, without realising maybe. He's the same person now as he was then. It's easy to say we wouldn't excuse the stuff that didn't happen, but what DID happen? Could anyone have reasoned with you at the time?

kitkatsky · 22/02/2022 21:49

They just lie. My ex broke up with his gf of 8 years and she visited my home once to see DD and say a proper goodbye which I was fine with. We got chatting and she'd been spun a whole, and completely untrue, version of events about my unreasonable behaviour and him gifting me a house with loads of equity. She was a smart girl but, like me, jad been gaslighted by him to the point she believed every word that had come out of his mouth.

I think it's easy to judge people who fall for this stuff until it happens ri you

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 21:49

[quote LightfoldEngines]@DrSbaitso and once you’re out of it, you feel like a complete twat and how could I, an intelligent woman, have fallen for this shite? They are so skilled at manipulation, and they do a lot of that before they start lying and gaslighting.

It’s fucking traumatised me and I will likely never have another relationship as I clearly cannot spot red flags.[/quote]
Yep, I can believe that.

Women are on here excusing shite all the time. They're invested, they're hooked on a fantasy, they're suckered. Deadbeat dad, kicks the dog, punched the teen, whatever.

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 21:50

@DrSbaitso I did - but I also grew up in a very dysfunctional family that was definitely not normal and was abusive at times, so my radar for that sort of behaviour was already not very good. It took a good 2 years of counselling which cost me a fortune, to unpick the relationship and my childhood.

Original poster

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:51

You're right that I probably overlooked red flags.

I just feel so angry about the situation and have been angry for years now. I've seen a therapist but got like 12 sessions and I can't afford more

OP posts:

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 21:53

This is a wanky thing to say, but as I have 3 daughters and I read the same threads as you, I have upped my efforts to give my daughters a rock solid sense of self esteem, confidence, a zero tolerance policy for any fuckery of any kid and uncrossable boundaries.

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 21:54

I'm sorry to hear about all these shit men and the damage they cause.

Sadly, I never knew a case where you could reason someone into seeing it for what it was. Not until they were ready themselves.

Hospedia · 22/02/2022 21:57

I think you can tell a lot about a man by how he speaks of his ex, particularly if they have children.

Pudmyboy · 22/02/2022 21:57

There's a certain allure to being the Arsehole Whisperer.
@DrSbaitso that is both hilarious and sadly very true!

RoseGoldEagle · 22/02/2022 21:59

I think you’re being a bit unfair. There are lots of people that would look at you in your original relationship with him and think- how does someone end up having a child with someone like that, surely there must have been signs of how abusive and awful he was long before that point? And presumably you’d argue there weren’t and he changed after you had kids etc? But can’t you see how you judging her is the same thing?

RishiRich · 22/02/2022 22:01

Why do people give their bank details to Nigerian princes they met on the internet?

Why do 60yo women believe they're in a mutually loving relationship with a man in his 20's?

A sizeable proportion of people:

believe what they want to believe
have below-average intelligence
are gullible
are lonely
are one or all of the above

I'm now 'psycho ex wife' #1 after nice new wife finally got rid of exH and became psycho ex wife #2. I resisted the temptation to say I told her so.

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