AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

[WobbleMolly]

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

My friend married someone like this. Said his ex wouldn't let him see his kids, was crazy etc. she helped facilitate contact for him, did as much as she could. He ended up getting them into loads of debt, cheated on her and she had to practically force him to have contact with their two kids they had together. He is now with someone else with another baby!

@WobbleMolly

You're right that I probably overlooked red flags.

I just feel so angry about the situation and have been angry for years now. I've seen a therapist but got like 12 sessions and I can't afford more

I hear you OP, I was so full of rage for the first 2 years. I had two elder children (not his) and a newborn and he’d just fucked off into the sunset without a care in the world whilst I juggled breastfeeding, a very poorly baby who had been NICU, and all that goes with it.

I took that rage and I built an incredible life.

I went to college and did an Access Science course whilst also working part time. I got into a Top 20 University, (where I’m still at now as I’m repeating half of my second year due to Covid), as a result I moved from the shit hole home town to a nice, leafy area just outside of a City centre, DDs all go to a nice school, they have hobbies, I’ve learnt to drive, and the Pandemic will keep me in a job for decades to come. We are happy.

He, however, is not. No, he has no responsibilities. Still living the same, small, sad life, repeating the same cycle, moving in with various women and family members in between (because God forbid he get his own place, then he’d have to pay bills and there’d be less money for beer), playing the same old wow is me victim card. It’s fucking pathetic.

And as stressful and demanding as my life is, I’d take it over his sorry excuse for an existence every time, in a heart beat,

I don't think most people tend to interrogate people when they date them - certainly not the to extent that you'd know whether they were paying towards a child. One guy I dated for 9 months I came to realise he was the areshole in his previous relationship and a poor father because I witnessed this behaviours first hand, but he kept them hidden for a long time

@ChampagneLassie

I don't think most people tend to interrogate people when they date them - certainly not the to extent that you'd know whether they were paying towards a child. One guy I dated for 9 months I came to realise he was the areshole in his previous relationship and a poor father because I witnessed this behaviours first hand, but he kept them hidden for a long time

They only show it when they think you’re so dick drunk you’ll ignore it. Well done.

@LightfoldEngines

Because they’re never deadbeats to new people.

They’re the victims of bitter horrible ex’s who don’t let them see their child.

eye roll

Exactly the case for me

My ex was/is a total knobhead dad. Walked away from me and his 4 month old baby. Pure nastiness for several years - went through court, arrests etc

He got with one of my friends who just didn't listen - it was all my fault apparently. Suffice to say, 2 children later and they are separated and it's far far worse than the situation DS and I were left in.

I can't help but feel "I did warn you" towards his ex, she knew, but I wouldn't wish any of it on anyone

It's the children I feel sorry for, DS and his two siblings on his Dads side.

He's now moved on again and I pray that as he's now older, and his gf has older children, that they won't bring any babies into the world, for him to walk away from again

It sounds really tough and I'm so sorry for what your going through.

I had a friend whoarried her long term partner of 9 /10nuears. The night of their wedding she found out he had 2 kids from a previous relationship because she got a message from the kids mum. Needless to say the marriage didnt last long and he turned out to be quite an abusive asshole.

@ChampagneLassie

I don't think most people tend to interrogate people when they date them - certainly not the to extent that you'd know whether they were paying towards a child. One guy I dated for 9 months I came to realise he was the areshole in his previous relationship and a poor father because I witnessed this behaviours first hand, but he kept them hidden for a long time

In this case, I wasn't meaning a casual dating person. They got married and had a child.

But pp said their ex said they were given a house with equity. See, in a million years I could never have come up with a lie like that, but it is a very plausible explanation as to why you aren't paying out monthly.

Thanks for the kind words, and we'll done to those who have gone on to build better lives.

@WobbleMolly mine says he doesn’t pay CMS because I won’t let him see DD.

1. Can’t say no if he’s never asked
2. It’s called Family Court if I am actually blocking
3. I would block and hire a shit hot Barrister to wipe the floor with him if he ever tried
4. Kids aren’t Pay Per View
5. He doesn’t pay CMS because he can’t hold a job for more than 3 months and it takes HMRC around 5 months to tell CMS where he’s working and then it takes CMS another 8 weeks to set up a Deduction of Earnings which then gets bounced back

Just read any thread on here about second families or child maintenance. Full of women claiming their husband's ex is a vindictive psycho and he's a perfect angel who has to pay £50,000 a month which his ex spends on hair and nails while neglecting the children. They all believe that tired old story.

@CatJumperTwat

Just read any thread on here about second families or child maintenance. Full of women claiming their husband's ex is a vindictive psycho and he's a perfect angel who has to pay £50,000 a month which his ex spends on hair and nails while neglecting the children. They all believe that tired old story.

“What is it meant to cover” is my favourite MN Second Family Bingo question as it’s always followed by “I’m pregnant and we will be reducing payments and the psycho is kicking offf”

I have a good friend who’s partner has two children he doesn’t see - one he doesn’t see at all and the other he sees irregularly although does call and text often and he pays for both of them.
So not 100% deadbeat but very lazy, very much wants an easy life. Will complain about not seeing DC2 very often and says he’s upset but does very little to make it happen. Ie has never seen a solicitor, has never sought a contact order.

You know the type - all talk, zero action. Presents as the victim in it.

My friend has somewhat convinced herself that it is the women at fault. The first was a one night stand he said he never wanted and the second the mother is overprotective.

Excuse after excuse after excuse. HIS family see him as the victim. HE is not in the wrong. And she’s now spouting the same shit.

Not to me though bc I just say the same thing over and over.

He might be a nice man to you but he’s a shit parent. Don’t make excuses just accept the truth and own your decision to be with him even though he’s pretty much abandoned two children.

She doesn’t like my stance. Oh well

I think people believe what they want to believe. I know I was guilty of that with my ex (also an abusive bastard who doesn’t financially support our children so a lot like yours). Pre-children, I wanted to believe that he was a kind, caring person and it wasn’t his fault he had anger issues/he had been hurt before/etc etc. My main regret at finding out the hard way how wrong I was is that my children are stuck with a useless, sack of shit for a biological father.

Hopefully, as your ex has gone on to have another child he has changed for the better and will be a better father to that child. I wouldn’t stake my house on it or anything mind you.

@Googlecanthelpme the wider families are shocking with their behaviour too aren’t they?

The father of my eldest two went through a patch of not really being arsed with our children, for whatever reason, and he was living with his mother at the time. She drove over to find out what was going on (after 3 months of barely seeing her Grandchildren). Invited her in, made coffee, handed her my phone. She was furious and handed his arse to him. That was a decade ago and he hasn’t faltered since.

Deadbeats family also fall under “my poor son/brother” umbrella. But she ex SILS ExDP couldn’t have their DD as planned because he’d had an accident at work and was in A&E, all Hell broke loose. The man was admitted to a ward and spent a month there and the abuse they threw at him during that time for “being a shit Dad” was mind boggling.

@Googlecanthelpme
That's exactly the kind of person I mean. I suppose it is willful blindness - someone desperate for someone to be the way they want them to be, rather than their way actually they are.

Good for you for having the integrity to tell it's like it is.

Your ex really sound like my father. My dad is 100% deadbeat dAd. He married 6 times. My mum was his first wife. And he got children with all 6 wives. And he is not support any of his children. The annoying parts is he demand me to help with money to all my step siblings and also he ask me for money every month.

Trust me your kid is much better stay as far as possible from this kind of man.

But when*

I feel enormous guilt that youngest DD sees her sisters go to their Dads most weekends and sometimes during the week and that she doesn’t have that. She recently asked me “How do you get a father?” and I’ve been crying about it on and off for weeks.

My ex doesn’t tell people he has (four!) children. So that’s why they get with him, he openly admitted to me he doesn’t tell people

Too many women go with men for all the wrong reasons:
They’re ‘hot’
They’re good in bed
They’re well off
They’re macho
They ‘treat me like a princess’, etc
When all that superficial stuff wears off, what are you left with? An empty relationship. Much more important is emotional literacy, intelligence, respect, an enquiring mind, and a willingness to grow with the other person. Too many women are brought up to believe in all that ridiculous Prince Charming nonsense. It’s really sad.

Yes, @LightfoldEngines

The enabling family too. I would think you would want your grandchild to grow up well.

@IsThePopeCatholic

Too many women go with men for all the wrong reasons: They’re ‘hot’ They’re good in bed They’re well off They’re macho They ‘treat me like a princess’, etc When all that superficial stuff wears off, what are you left with? An empty relationship. Much more important is emotional literacy, intelligence, respect, an enquiring mind, and a willingness to grow with the other person. Too many women are brought up to believe in all that ridiculous Prince Charming nonsense. It’s really sad.

I think that may be the most sensible post I've ever read on mn.

Because they can’t do any wrong and she’s a bitch who won’t let him see them/he wanted her to have an abortion but she insisted on having it/she tricked him into it./she’ll only spend it on going out and new nails/he just lies.

In the same way that despite the fact that he swears at her and the kids and calles them names/he never lifts a finger in the house or does any parenting/he’s violent/he’s an alcoholic or a drug addict/he sponges off her and expects her to pay for everything for the kids/gambles away all the family money, he’s still a great dad. When you’re in the pot you can’t feel the water getting hotter.

You know what's really strange about all these victimised men whose psycho exes withhold contact? They never go to court over it or, you know, lift a finger to get access. Strange.

My ex has been known to chase me down the street,screaming that I’ve spent ‘his’ money on myself
‘So I see you’ve spent my money on your hair,nails and clothes!’
(I’ve never had a mani,hadn’t had my hair cut in 6 years and my clothes where charity shop sale rail clothes)
Next breath it’s ‘I would give her money but she’d spend it on herself/she won’t let me see my kids/she works so doesn’t need it’
The truth is he did take me to court-legal aid all the way,why would he spend his own money?
He begged/threatened me for the bus fare to the contact centre and when I refused he just stopped showing up
He paid a full pound in 25 years (after leaving me 8k in debt) and the csa where more than useless-we just kept falling off the system-they didn’t even chase him
I do work-always have but I paid for everything-every last sock,shoe,childcare,lunch etc for my lot-he seemed to think that when he lost his power over me he didn’t have to pay anything as ‘she’s a right slag-they ain’t mine anyway’
(Untrue-they are unfortunately-he demanded a dna test until he found out he’d have to pay for it-it would have cut into his 5* holiday-to-whichever-country-took-his-fancy budget)
He promptly got a 14 year old pregnant-walked away and got a string of women pregnant and the cycle continues,with him spinning the line of us all being ‘evil bitches’
My dd did track him down when she got older but he didn’t try to hide his true colours and she soon walked away-all my fault as I poisoned her-he’d spent years telling everyone that ‘my kids will find me when they are older’
My partner never slags off his ex (and believe me she is a bloody psycho to the point she faked cancer just for sympathy) pays over and above for them and tries to be a good dad to his two

@CatJumperTwat

You know what's really strange about all these victimised men whose psycho exes withhold contact? They never go to court over it or, you know, lift a finger to get access. Strange.

Funny that, isn't it?