AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

[WobbleMolly]

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

I dread to think what lies exh is telling his new gf.
Thinking about it though if I was with a man who had no court paperwork and no bank accounts for when the children were older to show hes trying with his dc i would walk.
How woman can then have children with these "men" when theyve already proved what type of dad they are is odd because they are then in the same situation when he ups and leaves again.

Surely if you were that invested in your child youde keep trying?

Oh my God @Shehasadiamondinthesky! Sounds like a novel, but it's your life. Big hand to you.

You chose this man to be the father of your child. He was what you believed your (future) child deserved. I don't believe for a second that he suddenly just became this loser but you chose him anyway. Having a baby NEVER works to 'change' them. He was, and is, who he is.
Your bar was woefully low but you are scornful because someone elses clearly is as well? You just cannot know what she has been told about you or your situation.

I 'get' your bitterness, I do but concentrate on your child and raising him/her to be a decent and respectful human being who aims for more than settling for less than they're worth 🤷‍♀️

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My question was "why does a woman get with a man who is ALREADY a deadbeat dad i.e. has kids he doesn't look after."

Not "why do women get into relationships that END UP with the father of their child becoming a deadbeat."

Some red flags are not easy to spot, and abusers often lay on the charm.

I'm talking about KNOWING a man has abandoned his children, yet still jumping into bed with him, being in a relationship, having kids with, marrying such a man.

I'm talking about KNOWING a man has abandoned his children.

I would be surprised if any man admitted this to a woman he was interested in/dating/living with. These man twist everything, they are the ones who lie through their teeth, so it's not helpful to look for answers from women who come afterwards.

Sometimes it's because they are an arsehole too.

My exes new wife (now his ex wife) was just as bad as him when it came to my kids. In fact she actively tried to cut down his time with them because she wanted him to herself.

Somewhat amusingly she's now cribbing at how he's treating her and her kids as if it's remotely surprising that he's using the tactics she helped with to dodge paying me to dodge paying her.

[quote WobbleMolly]@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My question was "why does a woman get with a man who is ALREADY a deadbeat dad i.e. has kids he doesn't look after."

Not "why do women get into relationships that END UP with the father of their child becoming a deadbeat."

Some red flags are not easy to spot, and abusers often lay on the charm.

I'm talking about KNOWING a man has abandoned his children, yet still jumping into bed with him, being in a relationship, having kids with, marrying such a man.[/quote]
cognitive dissonance, supported by comfortable lies rather then thinking about painful truths.

its similar to the reasons why Socrates hated democracy, Google it he spoke of the sweet shop owner vs the doctor as his example of those who voted for what they wanted to believe rather then the reality.

same thing applies.

[quote WobbleMolly]@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My question was "why does a woman get with a man who is ALREADY a deadbeat dad i.e. has kids he doesn't look after."

Not "why do women get into relationships that END UP with the father of their child becoming a deadbeat."

Some red flags are not easy to spot, and abusers often lay on the charm.

I'm talking about KNOWING a man has abandoned his children, yet still jumping into bed with him, being in a relationship, having kids with, marrying such a man.[/quote]
I need to put my glasses on when surfing mumsnet!!!

I'd bet 100% he is looked after or excused by everyone. His family, you when you were together and now her. These men dont have relationship with anyone unless the women make it easy for them. These men want an easy and convenient lifestyle. In hindsight I bet he had you running around paying for things, doing life admin, buying presents for his family, putting in effort. So now hes doing the same with her.

Kids dont give effort they take it, hence men like that dont maintain a relationship.

[quote WobbleMolly]@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My question was "why does a woman get with a man who is ALREADY a deadbeat dad i.e. has kids he doesn't look after."

Not "why do women get into relationships that END UP with the father of their child becoming a deadbeat."

Some red flags are not easy to spot, and abusers often lay on the charm.

I'm talking about KNOWING a man has abandoned his children, yet still jumping into bed with him, being in a relationship, having kids with, marrying such a man.[/quote]
You seem to think that this red flag should somehow be very different and more obvious and more off-putting than any others.

It's not. If anything, it's easier to overlook this one because it's so easy for the guy to lie about it, and also use it to flatter someone that she's not like other girls the crazy, psycho ex.

@CJsGoldfish

You chose this man to be the father of your child. He was what you believed your (future) child deserved. I don't believe for a second that he suddenly just became this loser but you chose him anyway. Having a baby NEVER works to 'change' them. He was, and is, who he is. Your bar was woefully low but you are scornful because someone elses clearly is as well? You just cannot know what she has been told about you or your situation.

I 'get' your bitterness, I do but concentrate on your child and raising him/her to be a decent and respectful human being who aims for more than settling for less than they're worth 🤷‍♀️

This is very hurtful. Yes, some people are wilfully ignorant, but this was someone I had known for years. Charming and lovely.

The mask dropped when I was pregnant, and statistics bear this out.

I didn't think "a baby would fix things."

Rather he thought that I was now stuck, and he dropped the mask.

OK? Maybe he was 'charming and lovely' to his new girlfriend too. Maybe he said he'd tried to see his kids but you won't let him. Maybe he's told her you were the abusive one. Maybe he didn't tell her he had kids in the first place.

It's OK for you to be conned by him, but not anyone else? Because you were the first? This is just victim blaming with extra steps.

Sorry you're having to deal with this crap situation, but you're not somehow more innocent than any subsequent women he abuses.

Yeah sometimes they're just as toxic as the dad is, and have no thought for the poor child who is saddled with the pair of them.

But actually, usually there are a whole host of red flags - not just about previous children. These red flags exist whether or not the guy has kids. In hindsight, when I went out with a guy who lied about his age on the dating site, had a psycho ex, no friends and who asked me to marry him in a month and also didn't have any contact with his kids, I really should have known. I didn't have any kids with him, but someone else was mad enough to, and sure enough, he left her too.

Then again, you only have to read the board here to see that many women are told a story about the psycho ex not letting the poor man have contact with the children to see that many women do believe this stuff. I would now steer clear of any man who doesn't have contact with his children for whatever reason, no matter what he tells me, but I didn't know this 6 years ago when I first started dating.

Because women are masters at cognitive dissonance when it comes to tolerating things in men when their gut is telling them they shouldn't. Same principle behind the vast amount of threads started by women whose husbands don't do any housework, or women whose husbands refuse to marry them, or whose husbands cheat/drink/gamble etc etc ad nauseam.

The reasons are varied but the principle ones are:

• Society has screamed at us since we were small girls that we are nothing if we don't have a bloke so once we get hold of one we tend to cut him way too much slack to stop him leaving
• Deadbeats tend to be very good at putting their best foot forward and making themselves look good
• They are also very good at identifying women who are lonely/vulnerable and have poorer boundaries
• They will as has been repeatedly said on here present the ex as a "psycho" or as otherwise manipulative.

I have sympathy for your situation but tbh it's not rocket science and I can't believe you haven't worked this out for yourself.

@QuirkyTurtle

I just meant living with someone and you see zero effort at seeing the kids; no bank transfers, not writing cards, no birthday phone calls, nothing.

But PPS have shown lies that worked on them e.g. not allowing them to see bank statements and saying they are paying.

It just seems like an enormous piece of evidence of bad character Vs smaller things a charming person may let slip e.g. ignoring your texts one afternoon. I was just wondering how the mental gymnastics work.

Like if someone said they were a millionaire, but they were living in a bedsit above a corner shop it wouldn't add up.

So if you are with someone with no court paperwork trying to get visitation, no money coming out of the household budget going to kids, wouldn't that make you be like 'hang on, what's going on here?' It wouldn't add up.

@QuirkyTurtle

OK? Maybe he was 'charming and lovely' to his new girlfriend too. Maybe he said he'd tried to see his kids but you won't let him. Maybe he's told her you were the abusive one. Maybe he didn't tell her he had kids in the first place.

It's OK for you to be conned by him, but not anyone else? Because you were the first? This is just victim blaming with extra steps.

Sorry you're having to deal with this crap situation, but you're not somehow more innocent than any subsequent women he abuses.

If he does it once, of course he'll do it again. Some people will see through it, some won't. They'll believe him for a number of reasons, and eventually see the truth.

So if you are with someone with no court paperwork trying to get visitation, no money coming out of the household budget going to kids, wouldn't that make you be like 'hang on, what's going on here?' It wouldn't add up.

How much mental energy do you think they're going to give to the workings of a different family?

They may well have separate or partly separate finances so they wouldn't see the money in his personal account.

If the setup is working for them, why would they be poring over anything else?

@thepeopleversuswork

it's not rocket science and I can't believe you haven't worked this out for yourself.

His new wife is a former acquaintance, we know people in common, they know the situation. I really DON'T know how to work it out. I just feel like if I knew Bob has young kids, and when Lisa worked at the shop for 5 years she seemed normal, and there is no money going to the kids, no Christmas cards - I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

seriously @WobbleMolly you are rewriting history when it comes to your relationship. Stop looking down on other women! You are trying to make yourself seem better than them and you just aren’t.

A lot of people on this thread seem to be forgetting, or blatantly ignoring, that is is very common for abuse to begin during pregnancy as seems to be the case with the OP and her ex.

[quote WobbleMolly]@thepeopleversuswork

it's not rocket science and I can't believe you haven't worked this out for yourself.

His new wife is a former acquaintance, we know people in common, they know the situation. I really DON'T know how to work it out. I just feel like if I knew Bob has young kids, and when Lisa worked at the shop for 5 years she seemed normal, and there is no money going to the kids, no Christmas cards - I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.[/quote]
Well, maybe not, but you've hinted that there are other things you did overlook. Whatever he did to make you overlook that, he's doing to make her overlook this. And she may be an arse who doesn't care; some people don't as long as it doesn't affect them.

You're puzzled because your position means that this particular red flag is raising klaxons for you. Understandably; it's shit that you're in, so of course it's blindingly obvious to you. But to other people, it looks the same as the shit that you overlooked in the past looked like to you, with the added likelihood that he's lying and misleading about it. You say she knows the situation as well as you do...don't be too sure.

@drsbaitso I don't know her reasoning, the conversations I've had with her have been illogical and unpleasant. I think it's that he didn't want to be with her

My reasoning is he contributes, sees them regularly etc

@bluedodecagon

seriously *@WobbleMolly* you are rewriting history when it comes to your relationship. Stop looking down on other women! You are trying to make yourself seem better than them and you just aren’t.

no she isnt, she is just pointing out he has obvious baggage now he didnt have before and why are they ok with that baggage.

its very clear

[quote WobbleMolly]@thepeopleversuswork

it's not rocket science and I can't believe you haven't worked this out for yourself.

His new wife is a former acquaintance, we know people in common, they know the situation. I really DON'T know how to work it out. I just feel like if I knew Bob has young kids, and when Lisa worked at the shop for 5 years she seemed normal, and there is no money going to the kids, no Christmas cards - I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.[/quote]
See previous point on cognitive dissonance.

Chances are she knows deep down but for reasons best known to herself has decided she can square that circle. Probably because she "looooves" him. She will have written her own internal mythology to deal with this, probably aided and abetted by him telling her you were a psycho etc.

Its depressing behaviour for sure but she's hardly the first woman to do this.

My ex moved in with his gf and her kids after just a year of dating. He is overweight, has huge debt and pays her no rent. She pays for them to go weekends/holidays. He pays me less than half of what cms suggests as he still pays mortgage(due to him refusing to sell house) He was emotionally and financially abusive and on three ocassions put his hands round my neck and choked me.
He sees our two ds once a week and our dd refuses to see him after his gf tried to physically assault her. She is welcome to him. Pair of scum.