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Original poster

AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

237 replies

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:16

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

OP posts:
Original poster
WobbleMolly · 24/02/2022 07:41

@Oblomov22

I feel like you are deliberately misunderstanding the premise of the thread. Yes, I was in a relationship and I did not see until too late what he was like behind his false charm.

There are things however which are so obvious. Someone who kicks their dog; someone who cheated on their previous partner; etc. But these things can be hidden. I thought having kids and not taking care of them is something in plain sight, but PPS have shown how that is also sometimes hidden.

He was not a 'deadbeat dad' when I met him.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 24/02/2022 07:45

"major red flags are 'prison penpal', 'moroccan waiter who can't speak your language and half your age.'"

Are you just joking OP, trying to make the thread lighter? Because I don't find the above very funny. It's extremist and silly. We don't need Shirley valentine comparisons.

Your original question, re why so many women can't spot a deadbeat, is an important one. Why women don't spot red flags and marry twats is a serious issue.

And why women don't have the sense to look beyond the smooth talking, to look to the bigger person: Is this person really a good person, are we really compatible, does this relationship have the potential for longevity for him to father my children and us to grow old together happily. Is a problem.

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/02/2022 07:49

To those pathetic idiots suggesting the signs are always there.....

I was happily married for 20 years before he had a mental health crisis and the violence started. 20 years before he raped me.

We had longed for and much loved children who he abandoned overnight and in the many years since has continued to not give shiny shit about or pay for. 20 years before we had to get a restraining order.

Don't give me the crap that the signs are always there. Fuck off with the victim blaming.

Check your internalised misogyny. People change and abusers walk among us. It appears with some enablers on this thread.

Oblomov22 · 24/02/2022 07:50

He was though. Because he did do it. So he was a deadbeat dad when you met him. You just didn't recognise the signs. It was all within him right at the start.

Or rather he had the potential to be.

And then he did do it. But you don't seem to want to look back at why. Or what subtle signs you missed. Or are you implying he was really good man but suddenly had a complete personality transplant. because realistically that's unlikely.

Do you have strong morals? are you the kind of person who is going to suddenly become a deadbeat and just leave people? no! probably not because most of those characteristics are solid and deep within us.

bluedodecagon · 24/02/2022 07:54

@WobbleMolly

Do you honestly think the only real red flags are going to prison or having kids that you don’t see? The problem is you don’t understand how to spot emotional and psychological red flags. You can only see “obvious” red flags and the problem is that when you meet people with “obvious” red flags if you can’t see past the emotional ones, then they’ll just explain themselves away anyway.

In theory, someone out there is being falsely accused of rape. In theory, some guy out there is being denied access to his kids. Your guy can always claim to be the exception. But being able to spot subtler signs of abuse AND LEAVE is more protection that being able to tot up statistics and make guesses.

The fact that you have gone from one abusive relationship to another then to another and still insist “there were no signs” and you are just unlucky is, frankly, delusional.

wingscrow · 24/02/2022 08:08

Well, you were attracted to him and fell for his lies...

So why is it a surprise to you that others would too?

Some women will believe the 'psycho ex who does not let me see my child' story. others simply don't care about previous partners or other people's kids.

But really you should focus on yourself and try not to let him win by still being bitter about it all. It is hard but you moving on with your life and being happy is the best revenge you can have.

Oblomov22 · 24/02/2022 08:08

Thank you Bluedodecagon. Someone who posted exactly what I was trying to say, only phrased it much better.

felulageller · 24/02/2022 08:24

We live in a patriarchal society. People believe men not women.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 24/02/2022 08:52

I have never said 'there were no signs and I was just unlucky.' I have said there are different levels of signs, some which can be missed and some which are blinking neon.

OP posts:
felulageller · 24/02/2022 09:14

Society just facilitates these losers.

Not paying child support needs to be criminalised. Throw the non payers into jail!

VelvetChairGirl · 24/02/2022 11:46

@Oblomov22

He was though. Because he did do it. So he was a deadbeat dad when you met him. You just didn't recognise the signs. It was all within him right at the start.

Or rather he had the potential to be.

And then he did do it. But you don't seem to want to look back at why. Or what subtle signs you missed. Or are you implying he was really good man but suddenly had a complete personality transplant. because realistically that's unlikely.

Do you have strong morals? are you the kind of person who is going to suddenly become a deadbeat and just leave people? no! probably not because most of those characteristics are solid and deep within us.

I have studied psychology and you are talking are bollocks, what planet are you on?

do you just enjoy trying to upset people and victim blame, why are you so determined that you are right and everyone else who ends up with a bellend is a moron? is this coming from a position of utter narcissism on your part or fear?

VelvetChairGirl · 24/02/2022 11:48

[quote bluedodecagon]@WobbleMolly

Do you honestly think the only real red flags are going to prison or having kids that you don’t see? The problem is you don’t understand how to spot emotional and psychological red flags. You can only see “obvious” red flags and the problem is that when you meet people with “obvious” red flags if you can’t see past the emotional ones, then they’ll just explain themselves away anyway.

In theory, someone out there is being falsely accused of rape. In theory, some guy out there is being denied access to his kids. Your guy can always claim to be the exception. But being able to spot subtler signs of abuse AND LEAVE is more protection that being able to tot up statistics and make guesses.

The fact that you have gone from one abusive relationship to another then to another and still insist “there were no signs” and you are just unlucky is, frankly, delusional.[/quote]
So what is your education to know that? how many degrees in psychology do you have, how many abusive men have you worked with? how many abused women?

VelvetChairGirl · 24/02/2022 11:50

@felulageller

We live in a patriarchal society. People believe men not women.
as demonstated by several posters above.
felulageller · 24/02/2022 12:37

I don't think sbxdp's DW even knows he has a DC!

She'll get a shock when he dies and DC claim from his estate!

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 24/02/2022 12:48

@felulageller

If she is named in the will and they are not they get nothing. That is under English law. Other jurisdictions have different provisions.

The only grounds DC would have to challenge the will is if they had reasonable expectation of being provided for e.g. they had cared for him for years when he was old and sick and promised the house. If he hadn't even seen them for years, they wouldn't have a leg to stand on, unfortunately.

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 24/02/2022 13:37

Wow you can really tell who the deadbeat dad enablers are on this thread.
You can't know a man will be a deadbeat dad until he is a dad. You can never really know a person. 2 of my sisters are single mums. 1 wasn't abusive until sister was pregnant then abandoned the both of them once baby was born. 2 was a doting dad to his 2 sons with exwife so sister didn't expect it would be any different with their child, except he didn't want a girl and has only paid money through cms, no visitation or anything and has lived 2 streets away the whole time. You can't tell who will be a deadbeat or not

MrsMiddleMother · 24/02/2022 13:40

@Willyoujustbequiet I'm so sorry that happened to you x

itsnotdeep · 24/02/2022 14:59

I don't think there are many enablers on this thread. Most people are saying very calmly that usually a deadbeat dad is crap/rubbish/toxic/abusive in other ways and there would be red flag that you can spot.

Even the OP says there were some red flags in her relationship - but she seems to think they weren't neon ones like being in prison for rape or something.

I agree that most abusive men don't present all their red flags at once and it's a subtle progression. And they aren't awful the whole time. and of course they will lie and manipulate and re-write history. But we have to take some responsibility for our actions, which isn't victim blaming or enabling, but it's about looking after our own wellbeing. Having a good enough sense of self-worth.

and yes, some women do just blatantly ignore previous child abandonment and other stuff and go ahead and have kids with a new man and are then are surprised when it all goes tits up for them too.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 24/02/2022 17:36

Honestly, the two flags I can think of in hindsight are taking the phone with him everywhere, even to the toilet. ...but I sometimes sit on the loo with candy crush or whatever. And sometimes coming back home late.

If it's reassuring to think that 'Molly was a Muppet who ignored things I never would.' then go ahead. You can rest assured that your lovely bloke will never blindside you.

OP posts:
bluedodecagon · 24/02/2022 17:40

@VelvetChairGirl

It’s the OP who is victim blaming. She’s blaming the new partner of her abusive ex.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 24/02/2022 17:47

Some women, met lots of them, enjoy what they think is triumphing over the other woman. It can be less about the man than it is about the other woman. They think they will be the one who gets the crown & that crown only has the same status if other women are fighting for it. They aren’t of course but new woman is delusional
& has major issues so believes her own fairy tale.

A good friend of mine met a guy who was married. He’d been married before that too. They got together & then she married him. Within two years they were divorced because he’d met someone else. Five years later he’s divorced again because he met someone else... and so the story goes. Every time there is a child involved.
If a man is not committed to the child/ren he has and you get with him you deserve everything you get. Your children don’t though which is the real tragedy.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 24/02/2022 18:12

[quote bluedodecagon]@VelvetChairGirl

It’s the OP who is victim blaming. She’s blaming the new partner of her abusive ex.[/quote]
I'm wondering why someone would ignore the fact that a man does not take care of his children and go on to marry and have kids with someone who has done that. PPS have explained how many have the wool pulled over their eyes and don't believe he's a deadbeat but have swallowed lies. Other posters have said they don't care what he did with his previous family.

OP posts:
Original poster
WobbleMolly · 24/02/2022 18:17

Also, how is the new partner a 'victim' that I'm victim blaming? As people in this thread have said, some know full well he's a deadbeat and don't care. Maybe they have a good marriage. What is the new partner a victim of in that scenario?

You have said I am stupid for getting into a relationship, with someone who I knew for years and was lovely, but became abusive in pregnancy.

OP posts:
itsnotdeep · 24/02/2022 19:10

I don't think people think you're stupid at all. People just think that you should stop wondering about the new woman, because you'll never know about her, what her motivation is, what he's told her. You only know about yourself, so you should just look after yourself. Learn from this experience.

And there's no point feeling angry with her at all - feel pity for her maybe - but your ex is the bastard who's walked away.

1Micem0use · 24/02/2022 19:20

I do often wonder what the new girlfriends make of it.

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