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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

237 replies

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:16

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 09:53

@MrsMiddleMother

Yanbu. I can't understand why any woman would not only want to be with a man who has nothing to do with his kids, but also have a child with him. I would be asking why they haven't gone to court, why they don't pay. If it's not getting accepted, why aren't they putting it in an account for when they're 18. I think it's manipulation on his part, and naivety and low self esteem on hers.
It might be related to the reasons why women stay with men who treat them AND the children they have together like shit, insisting that they're great dads really. And they're staying for the kids.
AllOfUsAreDead · 23/02/2022 09:58

@MrsMiddleMother

Yanbu. I can't understand why any woman would not only want to be with a man who has nothing to do with his kids, but also have a child with him. I would be asking why they haven't gone to court, why they don't pay. If it's not getting accepted, why aren't they putting it in an account for when they're 18. I think it's manipulation on his part, and naivety and low self esteem on hers.
Because they believe them. They believe that the man has tried to see his kids, they believe he is upset not to see them. Because its hard to imagine someone to be so cold as to not care about their kids, especially when you haven't been around people like that.

You wouldn't get targeted by these men really, because you'd call them out on it, they wouldn't bother with you. They pick easy targets, naive women, vulnerable women.

Migrainesbythedozen · 23/02/2022 10:03

Many women are so gullible or 'dickmatised' is a term I heard elsewhere, that they truly believe the lies their boyfriend spins. There was (maybe still is?) a thread on here where a woman is with a man who travels all over for work and she only sees him one weekend or one day a fortnight (it's clear she doesn't know what he's up to) and who told her that his two previous relationships he was in were both abusive women and that the first was violent and the second was a 'coercive controller'. The woman can't get the man to spend time with her or her children and he commit to anything, and he verbally attacked her for going for a walk to clear her head and he accused her of emotional manipulation - yet clearly believed the lies he told her that the women in his relationships were the bad ones.

Women will just believe all the horrible lies men say about their exes..... until he then does it to them, of course. A woman gets a bloke, access to a dick and she seems to lose all critical thinking ability.

Pyewhacket · 23/02/2022 10:15

@Willyoujustbequiet

Because they are stupid and/or don't give a shit anyway.

That's the reality of it.

Agree with this.
Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 10:23

@RoseGoldEagle

I think you’re being a bit unfair. There are lots of people that would look at you in your original relationship with him and think- how does someone end up having a child with someone like that, surely there must have been signs of how abusive and awful he was long before that point? And presumably you’d argue there weren’t and he changed after you had kids etc? But can’t you see how you judging her is the same thing?
I don't see it as the same thing no. Being in a relationship with someone (seemingly) lovely and charming who turns abusive Vs being with someone you KNOW doesn't see or support their kids.
OP posts:
WhatYouDontKnow · 23/02/2022 10:41

Women have abysmal standards for men.
There’s been a thread where the woman had three dates with a man who has been ”falsely accused” of rape, at least half of the comments were saying of course keep seeing him!
A lot were sayin poor man etc.

For lot of women having a man, any man, is better than being single.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 10:49

@WhatYouDontKnow

A brand new acquaintance, who had that accusation hanging over him would be dropped by me. Let's say it's 50/50 whether it's true or not. This person is a stranger and now I know potentially a rapist. There are probably 1000 single, eligible men within a 20 minute drive. Try one of them.

If you're in a remote area you might have to drive 40 mins for a choice of 50, but still, better than that risk.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 10:59

Being in a relationship with someone (seemingly) lovely and charming who turns abusive Vs being with someone you KNOW doesn't see or support their kids.

We have women on here every day who KNOW that their beloved kicks the dog, hits the kids or cheats while on work trips. They find some way to rationalise and normalise it, with or without his lies.

bluedodecagon · 23/02/2022 11:27

It seems like you want to create a distance in your mind between you and them. Ultimately you overlooked red flags and abusive behaviour and so will they.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:31

.

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/02/2022 11:36

@DrSbaitso

Being in a relationship with someone (seemingly) lovely and charming who turns abusive Vs being with someone you KNOW doesn't see or support their kids.

We have women on here every day who KNOW that their beloved kicks the dog, hits the kids or cheats while on work trips. They find some way to rationalise and normalise it, with or without his lies.

Yeah they think oh it won't happen again, he was very sorry for it and he won't let it happen again. Unfortunately it is usually just the first step into abusive behaviour and escalates from there.
foxtailfluff · 23/02/2022 11:36

Which country is he in? Have you looked into a Remo? International maintenance enforcement. I've had to do similar to get maintenance out of a deadbeat

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/02/2022 11:42

Because I didn't know he was going to be a deadbeat dad.
He had a job and was a catholic and was very keen on raising our DS.
Then after the birth he became violent and I had to leave him as I was scared about him killing us.
i applied for CMA from my new home and he skipped abroad for the whole of my son's life up to 18 and didn't pay a penny for his upkeep.
He reappeared when my DS was 18 expecting to be his new best friend and was naturally told to go to hell.
Nobody thought he would turn out like this but he was one of these men who see their sons as competition and was unaturally jealous and weird of all the attention DS got.
You cannot always tell how a relationship will turn out.
ExH wanted a daughter and was furious when DS was born.

BobbinHood · 23/02/2022 11:44

You also chose to have a child with him - did he have a complete personality transplant overnight or did you maybe also fall for something these women are falling for too? Fair enough he may not have had a child at that time but did he really become a shitbag with no warning?

DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 11:44

They know it will happen again. They've decided that living with it is less painful than taking their hearts back and going through massive life-changing upheaval.

That's their decision to make for themselves, but dependent children and animals should have decisions made in their best interests.

There was one literally two days ago who said she stayed for her children because she could ensure they were safe if she was there, she was concerned about him getting 50:50 access. In the next breath she assured us that he was definitely on his last chance and if he did something bad in front of the kids she'd totally be walking. So are they safe with him or not??

I'm not trying to be a smart arse and trip people up. I'm just trying to demonstrate how absolute the cognitive dissonance is. And as is almost always the case with cognitive dissonance, you cannot reason people out of it. They won't see unless they're ready to see. That's why OPs disappear from so many of those threads and try to get them deleted.

VelvetChairGirl · 23/02/2022 11:51

my ex was always an arse, he was charming and nice and fun before we lived together.

then it started, he controlled everything, somehow he managed to get everything put in his name only over time slowly and all hidden from me, he controlled all the money, he dictated whom I was allowed to see and when etc. I didnt want to have kids with him at all, did not trust him one bit, but I was trapped with the rapey bastard and never understood the word no, well he didnt care actually.

I was not a naive dick hunter, I was a fierce independent woman in my 20s who dressed up like a punk and had more money then he did, I actually think thats what he wanted, its more of an achievement to break a strong woman then a weak one.

he was like a bloody drill sargent endlessly threatening, I honestly think he left because I no longer cared for my life, I was frightened he would kill me, but then eventually I stopped being frightened if he killed me,he killed me, didnt care kept telling him to fuck off and then our kid started telling him to fuck off and all.

Honestly I think he would have kept the charming, nice and fun act up for years if he had too, because he does, he does it all the time at work, for years and years, put on his nice voice and fake a laugh at other peoples jokes etc. its a mask they let it slip once they trap you, they know what society expects them to be like in public and what is expected of being in a relationship, they are not stupid infact they are probably the biggest experts in picking up social cues, they are chameleons, only showing their true colours behind closed doors when they give themselves permission too, when they feel safe, when they decide you are not a threat to their social statues/job and public face, then they give themselves permission to behave how they want to, safe in the knowledge they can get away with it, because no one that matters will believe you and you cant do anything about it.

VelvetChairGirl · 23/02/2022 11:55

he never understood the word no i mean, my thoughts and feelings about anything didnt matter or where deemed wrong and deserved punishment.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 23/02/2022 11:56

There's a certain allure to being the Arsehole Whisperer.

I know this is serious but that did make me laugh.

DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 12:02

A myth persists that the only women who fall for these dickheads are stupid or weak ones. I guess it suits our purposes to believe it couldn't happen to us. I remember Mel B talking about her abusive relationship and how hard and horrible it was for her to admit it had happened. She was Scary Spice, fgs! She was sold on Girl Power and being an assertive woman. How could it have happened to her, of all people?

And now we have people who overlooked red flags 1, 2 and 3 being utterly mystified about how the ones who came after could overlook red flags 4 and 5.

DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 12:04

@daimbarsatemydogsbone

There's a certain allure to being the Arsehole Whisperer.

I know this is serious but that did make me laugh.

The point was serious. The choice of phrase, less so. Enjoy.
iwantmyownicecreamvan · 23/02/2022 12:04

@NRRK28

Your ex really sound like my father. My dad is 100% deadbeat dAd. He married 6 times. My mum was his first wife. And he got children with all 6 wives. And he is not support any of his children. The annoying parts is he demand me to help with money to all my step siblings and also he ask me for money every month.

Trust me your kid is much better stay as far as possible from this kind of man.

I hope you don't give him a penny @NRRK28 - if you do I doubt any of his other children will see any of it.
Mogul · 23/02/2022 12:19

OH ex would probably describe him as a dead beat dad (I don't think he is) but as a partner he is great and his parenting doesn't affect me

DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 12:23

@Mogul

OH ex would probably describe him as a dead beat dad (I don't think he is) but as a partner he is great and his parenting doesn't affect me
What's her reasoning? And what's yours?
Starseeking · 23/02/2022 12:49

He'll spin her the same lines he spin you, but just in a different way, given that he now has DC.

My EXDP didn't have overnights with his DC until I met him. I asked why not, and he said it was because his EXDW wanted to keep his DC from him. I accepted this, because I had no DC of my own, and was naive to how separated people with DC work. He's had our DC for about very few nights in the last 9 months, so I see now, it was more that he couldn't be bothered.

My EXDP told me that he had always paid his EXDW maintenance for their DC. He refused us having one joint bank account (although we had one for bills) so I never saw the cash physically leave his bank account. I've just started a CMS case to secure the right amount from him, as he feels £300 per month is adequate maintenance for 2 DC.

There will be hundreds of similar examples, as this type of man is very good at manipulating every story in his favour, and making himself a victim at every turn. Narcissists only think of themselves, so he will be looking to present himself in the best possible light at all times.

Starseeking · 23/02/2022 12:52

And he'll do it all over again with his next victim, who will then be given a story of me as the awful, bitter money-grabbing ex (despite the fact I earn double the amount he does).

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