AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

[WobbleMolly]

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

It's not all lies.

Some people are willing to accept because all they care about is someone without baggage (ideally single, never married, no kids but clearly they will settle for a father who doesn't see their kids) so they can start their own brand new happy family and just pretend the ex and existing DC just don't exist.

@MrsMiddleMother

Thank you x

Well they don't always start out like that.

My ex h and I had our first child together.

He pays a minimal amount. Not even enough to cover school meals for a month. I didn't see this coming. He was so adamant about supporting his child when we split.

He's gone on to have two more children.

My opinion of the CMs before we split was that it was all for the resident parent. Experience has shown me it's not. It's a money making exercise for itself.

He was very vocal about doing the right thing. However time has shown what he meant was the right thing for himself.

Sometimes this only becomes apparent when you split and they are put in that position of choosing to either do the right thing or be a dick about everything and either re wrote history or just be selfish and forget about the lives they impact. With him it's probably both.

My ex is an arsehole and I pity the women he's had kids with.

I'd love for my daughter to see her siblings but he won't share details.

He probably painted us all as grabby bitches and doesn't want us meeting to compare.

@LightfoldEngines
Dick drunk.
I love that. I'm pinching it.

Yes, I probably didn't recognize low level abuse until it erupted into recognizable abuse. And I already answered your question. I'm legally separated. You have taken the time to dig into post history, so you will see that it is less than two years. I'm sure you are familiar with divorce proceedings and the least expensive way is to be legally separated for two years.

And as I've said before, I'm baffled by people who choose OBVIOUSLY cruel men. Maybe one day I'll be as wise as you and recognise the difference between people who are charming and lovely for years and those who are only pretending to be.

In my life I've had three relationships one teenage boyfriend, the father of my child and my husband. I've never been in a relationship with anyone I've known for less than a year (my first teenage boyfriend). My two long term relationships were people l had known 5 and ten years respectively. Three times I was blindsided by abuse.

@WobbleMolly

And as I've said before, I'm baffled by people who choose OBVIOUSLY cruel men. Maybe one day I'll be as wise as you and recognise the difference between people who are charming and lovely for years and those who are only pretending to be.

In my life I've had three relationships one teenage boyfriend, the father of my child and my husband. I've never been in a relationship with anyone I've known for less than a year (my first teenage boyfriend). My two long term relationships were people l had known 5 and ten years respectively. Three times I was blindsided by abuse.

But can't you see that the common denominator is you? Stop thinking about other women who choose abusive men, and look at why you are doing so.

And as I've said before, I'm baffled by people who choose OBVIOUSLY cruel men.

And as people have said before, you found it obvious only afterwards and you keep doing it without finding it obvious until it's too late. That's not your fault but I agree with a PP that you'd do better to question why YOU can't spot the red flags. It would actually give you an insight into why others don't see them either; I bet the new partners will say exactly the same things you did before you were ready to see it or couldn't overlook it any more.

The one that you see now is different to you only because it's the one that bit you hardest. It's not vastly different from the others. I don't think you're setting yourself up as smarter and more savvy than they are, but I think you could answer your question if you truly considered that they aren't as different to you as you think they are...that the flag isn't as different as you think it is.

My ex boyfriend used to speak SO BADLY of his ex-wife that I didn't believe him. And I was right not to. I met her once at a handover and she was a perfectly normal, pleasant woman.

He, on the other hand was a narcissistic, controlling dickhead.

This was exactly my experience too. New gf then wife was spun a line about what a money grabbing psycho I was and she in turn was pretty awful to me..
The manipulation and lies only came out when he split with her and we got talking and compared notes. We have now started ‘the crazy ex-wives club’ and I’m sure will get new members soon as he seems to go through gfs/wives pretty fast!

Obviously cruel? 😂 😂😂😂😂😂

Yes everyone else chooses obviously cruel men except you. Well done!

Don’t bother being baffled. Give it a few years and when you’re with your next boyfriend, you’ll be able to ask yourself.