AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

[WobbleMolly]

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

Women have very very low bars when it comes to men. A lot of women want to be loved and be in a relationship and will ignore every red flag and justify it to themselves and to friends and family.

Women are brought up to put up with shit they’re taught to ‘forgive’, and fix and try harder and that poor menz think differently, can’t handle too much pressure, can’t multi task, can’t live on any less sleep than 12 hours unless they choose to be up all night gaming, really need down time and need to be off drinking with their mates and really need freedom and blah and blah.

Women are taught they need to suck it up and do the adulting and have responsibilities and must multi task, and take care of kids and hold down jobs (equally contributing financially towards households whilst simultaneously doing all the housework and childcare).

Society colludes with men in their acceptance of allowing men to walk away from their children. But my god is their condemnation at a mother for doing the same. A woman who abandons her child in the style of deadbeat dads the world over is the devil incarnate.

Women are expected to sacrifice and men are expected and accepted to be self serving.

Had casual sex with a lot of divorced men and most of them got onto the subject of their terrible ex-wives within minutes of sex. One time i put my pants on inside out in my rush to get away.

People love a sob story and they lack the imagination to try to consider that there might be two sides to a story.

Low self esteem.

I'm not buying all this nonsense that women are hapless victims either and I do judge women who get with men knowing they're deadbeat dads. Raise your standards.

I think it's probably for similar reasons that you had a child with a man you knew was abusive. They twist and manipulate and break you down, once they've love bombed at the start.
These people are normally good at talking the talk and very good at making people feel worthless and convincing them that they are the best they'll ever get.
You know what a shir your ex but you stayed for a time and put up with the abuse. You see it from a different perspective now, but you accepted it and even had a child with him. She will be the same, and in however long she'll wake up realise what an idiot she was and probably think the same as you about the next poor sap he sucks into his manipulative, abusive ways.
Just be thankful you moved on with only 1 child, and he isn't in your child's life, as so many women on here are never free from abusive arseholes and you regularly read heartbreaking posts from women who wised up too late and thr ex still controls the women through the child.

I honestly don’t know. I was the first with my ex so he had no history of being a dead beat dad. However, the second woman knew he didn’t pay me maintenance, was abusive and couldn’t be arsed to see DS yet had her DD with him. The 3rd woman knew that he did the same to both me and the second woman yet still had her DD with him. The mentality of both them astounds me, in particular the 3rd woman. He’s done it twice before. Why the hell does she think he’s not going to do it to her??

@PermanentTemporary

Had casual sex with a lot of divorced men and most of them got onto the subject of their terrible ex-wives within minutes of sex. One time i put my pants on inside out in my rush to get away.

People love a sob story and they lack the imagination to try to consider that there might be two sides to a story.

Were they trying to hook you with a sob story or did they just want an audience for ranting? If you'd already had sex, presumably they weren't trying to tug on your heartstrings to seduce you?

There's a few reasons.
Usually they'll have been spun a yarn about psychotic exs refusing visitation and using kids as weapons.

But I have a friend who happily merried off with a recently divorced man with 2 young children. She was more than satisfied with him not spending time with his kids, she told me she didn't want to spend her weekends mothering someone else's children, she'd rather they go on weekend breaks away together.
He stuck around for six months after she had a baby, she'd been full of 'he'll be different, he's changed' but he quickly left her and her baby desolate.

Hugs for what you've been through but you need to let it go, don't let him take up any headspace at all. Keep chasing for maintenance if you can but don't let him take up thinking time

I wonder the same thing. My ex does pay child maintenance (but the min amount when he could definitely afford more) and has a small amount of contact weekly, but I’d still love to be a fly on the wall when he explained his circumstances to his new girlfriend.

When I first got with my ex, he was a 19 year old who acted like a 19 year old and lived at home with his mum. Now, he’s a 30-something who acts like a 19 year old and lives at home with his mum. He really has come full circle.

He’s already told me his new girlfriend “really dislikes” me (we’ve never met) and “has a big problem” with me (sorry for … getting cheated on, I guess?).

I’m not particularly bothered by it, but I’m a nosy cow and I’d love to know how he’s managed to spin it for her. 😂

But surely he had some other traits of being a dead beat boyfriend/ prospective dad?

It feels a little like you are judging this other woman quite harshly when you've also been fooled by him. You can't say oh he was perfect before the child then afterwards he was a totally different person surely?

@TokyoTen

Why do you question how people fall doe deadbeat? After all you did!

I fell for someone who had been a family friend for years but turned out to be a wrongun.

I mean you start seeing someone. You KNOW he has kids. But he never sends cards, Christmas presents, never calls them, never sends money. I'm asking how THAT is ok with people, and I've had some enlightening responses.

Because they are stupid and/or don't give a shit anyway.

That's the reality of it.

Also, women who don't yet have children don't think about deadbeat dads in the same way as women who have experienced motherhood. They don't think deeply about what it means.

(Compare to- why do single women have affairs with men who are married? I think sometimes a youngish single woman with no kids doesn't understand what an affair means to a longterm marriage and family. She might sleep with an older man in a different stage of life without thinking what he is doing to his kids and wife.)

@Heytheredemons

I think it's probably for similar reasons that you had a child with a man you knew was abusive. They twist and manipulate and break you down, once they've love bombed at the start. These people are normally good at talking the talk and very good at making people feel worthless and convincing them that they are the best they'll ever get. You know what a shir your ex but you stayed for a time and put up with the abuse. You see it from a different perspective now, but you accepted it and even had a child with him. She will be the same, and in however long she'll wake up realise what an idiot she was and probably think the same as you about the next poor sap he sucks into his manipulative, abusive ways. Just be thankful you moved on with only 1 child, and he isn't in your child's life, as so many women on here are never free from abusive arseholes and you regularly read heartbreaking posts from women who wised up too late and thr ex still controls the women through the child.

I didn't know he was abusive. As is statistically common, the abuse started when I was pregnant. I suppose to him he thought I would have to put up with it as I wanted my child to live with both their mother and father. I put up with it for too long, but your statement is inaccurate.

There were probably red flags I ignored, but typically people rarely leave a relationship because they were sworn at one single time, etc.

They lie and some women are naive enough to fall for it. I imagine it will be something along the lines of ‘my ex won’t let me see my child. I tried to get access through the courts for years but it almost bankrupted me and I didn’t get anywhere. She’s such a bitch, I really did try my best’ etc. It’s clever because they also get the sympathy vote from the new girlfriend too.

I think a lot of men play victim, and they're so wronged by their ex, that their new partner eats it all up.

My DDs father, always the victim, his Dad didn't have time for him, and his mum was a grabby alcoholic... life was so unfair to him!

So he pretty much joined our family, except my family were SO MEAN TOO!

He had everyone believing that he was mistreated by the others, so when we broke up- guess who became enemy number one?

Apparently taking all his money (HA!) Forcing him to have sex with me if he wanted to see DD (again HA!) I was all of these terrible things , and he had a mental breakdown because of the things I did to him (I had healthy boundaries!) So the story that was spun to the next one was that I was the problem, and of course she trusted her boyfriend who would tell lots of stories about me.

Until she became the ex, but even then, the stories continued- I was the reason he refused to be a part of his second child's life. I was the reason he didn't pay child support.

Then he met another, and both of us were then the problem.

Both believed they were the women who would take care of him, where he had been so unloved, so uncared for.

Fuck it the only opinion I care about is DDs. She's almost 15. He doesn't pay child support, no cards; no presents. I've said to her when he does contact you as an adult, yes absolutely take that I am a PITA, even accept I mightve been obstructive when he had proven himself to not be what I wanted in your life, but do ask him, if you didn't pay child support to her- where is the money? Why isn't even a fiver a week in a bank account?
Where are the birthday cards? Letters he mightve written when he missed you? So you could see them when you're older.
Because its all too easy for men to say, I wasn't paying HER money!! I didn't have your address/ I sent them and they were never given to you!....all rubbish excuses.

@WobbleMolly it's unfair of you to imply being sworn at once is abuse. It diminishes the experiences of many women, including myself, who have been systematically abused and worn down physically, sexually and emotionally.

Which bit of my post regarding my opinion on why women get with deadbeat is inaccurate? I think us pretty curate going on my experiences to be fair.

Also I find it really unfair that instead of blaming your deadbeat abusive ex, you are blaming his next victim for falling for his loss and manipulation.

You say the abuse started after the child but if you really look deep down you were probably conditioned to accept it prior to thay and only wised up to it once a child was in the mix and your instincts kicked in caused you to be more critical of his behaviour to protect your child.

Apologies for typos, this is quite an emotive subject and shows the misogyny that is engraved in society where we are blaming women who get with deadbeat, instead of empowering them to not fall for it in the 1st place.
I lived another poster saying that they have taught their daughters to be strong and independent to reduce the risk of them being gaslit by men, so they don't find themselves in this situation.

"This person has shown their character. They have neglected their own flesh and blood child. And they might treat you well going on dates etc. but they have shown their character.

Then when he ghosts when you get sick or whatever you can't expect to be surprised as he has form.

Of the billions to choose from why choose a deadbeat.

And he doesn't have a forcefield around him. Those kids may look for him as teens. He may reconcile when there are grandkids, then you'd have a football team worth of kids and grandkids in and out of your childfree house."

Obviously if he had multiple kids with multiple other women I am going to assume that he's an unreliable fool which is very unattractive anyways

But as long as there was only 1 kid then it was likely an accident/mistake that was (hopefully) learned from and I do believe no one should be forever burdened by their mistakes.

I don't rely on anyone so if he pissed of due to me becoming sick etc then it would be a shame but of no real consequence in the grand scheme of things.

There are many pros and cons to chosing any bloke really, deadbeats included. He might just be a really good fuck. He might have the same desires for world travel. He might be a safer bet that he isn't going to decide to destroy the relationship by wanting kids in the future as he has been there, done that and realised that it wasn't for him.

Splitting up/divorce is easy enough when the couple have no kids between them. So it should be relatively easy to split finances etc if we needed to divorce.
So why would his kids/grandkids ever be in and out of my house? If I ask him not to bring someone into my home and he does it anyways, that's a massive breach of trust and we would be separated and living independently soon after anyways.

Maybe other people just get more attached in relationships than I do? I absolutely love my husband but if he decided to bring any kids into the mix, he would be gone before he even finished the sentence.

I get that it sucks for his ex and the kid but that's not really my problem.

My current husband is not a deadbeat, but I have certainly enjoyed some rendezvous in the past with a few men who were. Just being honest.

I understand the get with. Sometimes the sex is magnificent, the man believable and many like to think they’re the one to save/reform the bad boy.
What I don’t understand is staying with them when things have gone wrong.

[quote Heytheredemons]@WobbleMolly it's unfair of you to imply being sworn at once is abuse. It diminishes the experiences of many women, including myself, who have been systematically abused and worn down physically, sexually and emotionally.

Which bit of my post regarding my opinion on why women get with deadbeat is inaccurate? I think us pretty curate going on my experiences to be fair.

Also I find it really unfair that instead of blaming your deadbeat abusive ex, you are blaming his next victim for falling for his loss and manipulation.

You say the abuse started after the child but if you really look deep down you were probably conditioned to accept it prior to thay and only wised up to it once a child was in the mix and your instincts kicked in caused you to be more critical of his behaviour to protect your child.[/quote]
What I mean is people on here are saying you must have known what he was like, there must have been red flags

I'm saying that he was a nice lovely boyfriend. The red flag would have been things like being sworn at once.

This escalated to abuse, such as being hit, being pushed down the stairs, my bank account emptied etc.

They are too trusting, that's the problem. They can't understand why anyone would not want to be with their own children, so they think the man must be telling the truth and that his ex is mad and is stopping him.

The whole 'I would offer to help with going to court' etc does make sense, as I would do the same thing. But we wouldn't be chosen by these kind of men because we can see through bullshit. I can tell you 9/10 when I meet a person if they are a twat and not to be trusted. Those of us that can do this, either through past experience or whatever, would never be targeted by these people. Because we won't fall for it.

Not everyone is lucky to have that instinct or have learnt from experience yet. They will eventually, but unfortunately it will mean making mistakes to do it. And trying to reason with them rarely works.

And just to say, when I say I'm angry. I'm angry with HIM. But also baffled by her.

I've got some answers about lies he might have told that are believable e.g. being given equity in a house.

Also, women who don't yet have children don't think about deadbeat dads in the same way as women who have experienced motherhood. They don't think deeply about what it means.

This is absolute rubbish and quite offensive to people who don't have children of their own yet or don't want to have children.

As is evident from MN plenty of women who already have kids shack up with deadbeat dads, even moving their kids in with them ridiculously quickly.

Women who haven't experienced motherhood 'don't think deeply about what it means' for a man to be a shit dad? Ridiculous thing to say.

Yanbu. I can't understand why any woman would not only want to be with a man who has nothing to do with his kids, but also have a child with him. I would be asking why they haven't gone to court, why they don't pay. If it's not getting accepted, why aren't they putting it in an account for when they're 18. I think it's manipulation on his part, and naivety and low self esteem on hers.