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AIBU?

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Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:29

To add as well that sometimes I drive there and then have to get a taxi home which is always on my own as I live in a different area to most of my friends. He then takes me for my car the next day. But sometimes I really would prefer not to have to get a taxi alone.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/02/2022 19:32

What happens when you do stay out? I think he’s being unreasonable and controlling tbh

purplehairlady · 22/02/2022 19:32

Yes, I would personally always go home even if late (& I would not like DH staying out like that either).

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

It's not the type of behaviour that works if you have kids, so if you two are talking about having a family, this type of behaviour would be a red flag for me roles reversed.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/02/2022 19:32

Of course it is okay to stay out when married. I have often stayed over with friends when out and my DH has never had an issue. Your DH is being controlling.

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2022 19:33

Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

'Being in a huff' is your punishment. Personally I'd stay out more often if my husband were to do that to me.

It makes perfect sense to stay at your friend's place in the situations you describe.

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2022 19:34

@purplehairlady

Yes, I would personally always go home even if late (& I would not like DH staying out like that either).

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

It's not the type of behaviour that works if you have kids, so if you two are talking about having a family, this type of behaviour would be a red flag for me roles reversed.

I'm 52 and if I'd rather sleep at a friend's house for convenience, what would that have to do with age?
purplehairlady · 22/02/2022 19:35

Sorry but if a guy regularly stayed out like this people would say he was cheating!

Unless he's controlling in other ways, I don't see how this is controlling behaviour.

Also if it's something his ex did & therefore makes him paranoid, I'd also try to be a bit understanding of that.

Reasonableness also depends how often you do this & how old you are. Do you only stay over at female friends' houses?

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:36

@purplehairlady

Yes, I would personally always go home even if late (& I would not like DH staying out like that either).

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

It's not the type of behaviour that works if you have kids, so if you two are talking about having a family, this type of behaviour would be a red flag for me roles reversed.

I'm 28 and we have children!
OP posts:
JellybabyGina87 · 22/02/2022 19:36

I personally like to come home as we've got kids and to be honest I just like being in bed with my husband at night. Obviously if it was a very occasional thing it wouldn't matter, he'd just accept it as he trusts me.I think it's more his trust issues that you have to talk about.

minipie · 22/02/2022 19:37

Do you always text or call and tell him what you’re doing? (Before it gets too late to text or call). As if not, that would annoy me as I’d be worrying or at least wondering where the hell you were and what time and state you were going to rock up.

Also do you have small DC or pets who need wrangling in the mornings? If you do, I’d be annoyed to be left with that job.

However if you always tell him by a reasonable time that you’re staying over, and no kids or pets, I think he is being unreasonable.

ghostyslovesheets · 22/02/2022 19:37

also 52 and often have friends staying here rather than driving home - I don;t think it's a young thing or a huge issue - but I get that his wife did this so it brings that back - however you are not her and he should not be getting huffy about it

minipie · 22/02/2022 19:37

Ah cross posted. Young children. YABU.

purplehairlady · 22/02/2022 19:39

@WorraLiberty because I'd find it odd if an older man or woman with multiple kids regularly went out & slept on a friend's couch until AM v young person with no responsibilities.

Probably less to do with age to be honest & more to do with responsibilities.

I'd be annoyed if my DH did this regularly & then left me to deal with kids in the AM.

One-off could be ok but OP sounds like she does it regularly.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:41

Should have clarified about DC they are not with him. I only tend to go out late if DC are staying elsewhere like at PILs or my parents. I wouldn't stay out if DC were at home

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:42

And yes I always tell him if I'm going to stay somewhere. Id never just not turn up home.

It sounds regular but it's probably about once a month maybe twice I go out and I won't always be staying out every time.

OP posts:
Pixilicious · 22/02/2022 19:43

It wouldn’t even occur to me to not do this if I was drinking and it was far to travel. DH would have no problem with this and neither would I. I am 49 and have DC for context.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:43

Do you only stay over at female friends' houses?

Yes only ever females.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 22/02/2022 19:43

I stay out 1 night a month or so, dh stays out less. Neither cares

notacooldad · 22/02/2022 19:44

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Marinated · 22/02/2022 19:48

OP, wait! so what your saying is that potentially every fortnight you will stay out with mates and that this coincidences with child free weekends you could spend with him?

Gowithme · 22/02/2022 19:49

I wouldn't like it if it was my OH, the days of staying out late drinking and sleeping on someone's sofa are for when you're young free and single IMO. I wouldn't get married and have kids till I had grown out of that sort of thing and I would want my OH to have grown out of it too.

If the issue though is that his ex told him that and then was cheating on him and he didn't have any other issue then I would just talk to him about it and see if there is anything you could do to make him feel more secure ie calling him at specific times - but you would have to follow through or it could cause even more problems. I'd happily have a tracker on my phone so he could see where I was although I know some people are really against that sort of thing. IMO if you aren't doing anything wrong then you don't have anything to worry about.

I don't think he sounds unreasonable at all though, he's fine with you going out, just would like you to come home after.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:52

I didn't realise it was so terrible to enjoy staying out late or drinking when you're not "early 20's" 😂

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 22/02/2022 19:54

The update makes a difference. You are only going out overnight when kids have sleepovers. When do you go out with dh, just you two?

M0rT · 22/02/2022 19:54

Taxi's are expensive where we live so staying out (pre-covid) was the norm if we were drinking.
I'm not really able to drink much anymore so more likely to drive and come home, my DH would have no issue with me saying I was staying in a friends though.
In a year how much would once a month Taxi's cost you roughly?
Spell it out to your DH that your not willing to waste that kind of cash because of his ex's behaviour.
He married you and had children with you, he needs to trust you.

ChickenStripper · 22/02/2022 19:55

Would he not come and pick you up?