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Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 22/02/2022 19:56

I'd be unimpressed if my DH went out and didn't come home a few times a year. Why don't you just plan to stay out instead of waiting till it's too late?

purplehairlady · 22/02/2022 19:56

@LalaOIOI

I didn't realise it was so terrible to enjoy staying out late or drinking when you're not "early 20's" 😂
Less about age more about responsibilities.

Nothing wrong with going out, thought the Q was about sleeping on someone's sofa overnight, so that means you're also gone the next morning.

I did this when I was younger without kids & so much more time for just me & DH. Now I have kids & also much less time with my partner, I'd find it odd if he wanted to do that twice/month while I sat at home.

Sounds like kids are away when OP goes out, so I think it's less of a big deal tbh

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:57

@Marinated

OP, wait! so what your saying is that potentially every fortnight you will stay out with mates and that this coincidences with child free weekends you could spend with him?
No not really. We may have an odd set up to some people but he's not bothered about the fact I go out. He really enjoys time to himself and likes these evenings. We also do do things together on these times too.

It's nothing to do with the fact I'm out or even out late, he doesn't care. It's staying out he doesn't like.

OP posts:
Doratheexploret · 22/02/2022 19:57

@purplehairlady

Yes, I would personally always go home even if late (& I would not like DH staying out like that either).

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

It's not the type of behaviour that works if you have kids, so if you two are talking about having a family, this type of behaviour would be a red flag for me roles reversed.

Rubbish I’m 50 and I would stay out! DH wouldn’t care and neither would I if he stayed out. Unless you don’t trust someone then what’s the problem?
AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 19:57

I'm 56. Of course it's absolutely fine to stay at a friends.

Some people are old before their time.

Uafasach · 22/02/2022 19:58

If you're going to town or the local, why do you need to stay at friends houses? Do you end up back there for parties?

The whole set up sounds a bit like you're running away from something - kids free weekends twice a month; going out without dh; house parties after the pub.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:58

@ChickenStripper

Would he not come and pick you up?
He will if it's not really late. But if it's past 12 say, he goes to bed and I get a taxi. I don't mind this sometimes but others I'd find it easier to stay with a friend. Plus I don't like getting taxis alone.
OP posts:
PatientlyWaiting21 · 22/02/2022 19:59

Of course it’s fine to stay over at your friends house, regardless if you have children or not, sure dad can cope for one night!

GreenClock · 22/02/2022 19:59

If I’d arranged to stay in a friend’s spare room and taken an overnight bag etc that would be great, no problem. Far better than a taxi solo!

However, crashing on a sofa and making my way home at 9am in last night’s clothes feeling grubby and headachy is a no-no these days, but something I did now and then as a carefree youngster. At 28 with a husband and children, it would seem a bit juvenile tbh.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2022 20:00

Well, I hope he is at least paying for your taxi! He shouldn’t be expecting you to schlep back on public transport late at night if you have the offer of somewhere to stay.

I think he sounds controlling and unreasonable. Obviously it would be nice to sometimes spend time just the two of you, but I can’t see what difference staying overnight as opposed to coming back really late makes.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:00

@Uafasach

If you're going to town or the local, why do you need to stay at friends houses? Do you end up back there for parties?

The whole set up sounds a bit like you're running away from something - kids free weekends twice a month; going out without dh; house parties after the pub.

No not house parties. But the town my friends live in is around 30 mins away (I moved to be with him), so when we go out there or into the larger city even further away it's easier to stay with them if it's late and drive back the next day. Rather than getting a taxi home alone or him coming and getting me earlier than I want to leave.
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2022 20:00

Makes to him I mean

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:00

Not running away from anything, just enjoy drinks, meals, pub with friends!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 22/02/2022 20:01

I'm 52 and I haven't grown out of going out and having fun either op! I generally prefer to come home but that's only because i prefer to be hungover in my own bed. As long as you've communicated with dh, he's not left unfairly 'holding the baby' and gets equal 'fun time' however that looks to him, and everything is above board, then he needs to deal with his jealousy/insecurity.

MrsTophamHat · 22/02/2022 20:01

I don't think you're in the wrong but I would be unlikely to do this in an unplanned way. This weekend i'm going out with a friend who lives 40 minutes away. We're going for dinner and drinks then I'll be staying over at hers and coming back in the morning.

I also think twice a month is pretty frequent and i'm only early 30s.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:02

And to add I don't ask my parents or PILs to do this so I can go out. They ask all the time to have DC over, they love it. I have to fight them off! So yes I take advantage of the time when they do have them over night.

OP posts:
Bdhntbis · 22/02/2022 20:06

I wouldn’t have an issue with this; I actually prefer it if DH stays at a friends rather than wakes me up late. I think it’s quite controlling for him to be funny about it and while I understand about his ex I expect to be trusted unless I’ve given reason not to be

AprilShowers82 · 22/02/2022 20:07

Oh fgs. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. In 36, regularly stay at friends after nights out, they stay at mine too. DH has no problem with it what do ever because he’s not a control freak.

nancybotwinbloom · 22/02/2022 20:09

@AprilShowers82

Oh fgs. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. In 36, regularly stay at friends after nights out, they stay at mine too. DH has no problem with it what do ever because he’s not a control freak.
Same.

I quite like it when he stays out as I get full control of the telly and the house is a lot tidier tbh.

Summerfun54321 · 22/02/2022 20:09

Whatever the set up then communication is the key. If it’s all arranged in advance then fine. But if my DH went out and I was left constantly wondering if he was or wasn’t coming home and what time, that would really piss me off.

purplehairlady · 22/02/2022 20:09

@AhNowTed

I'm 56. Of course it's absolutely fine to stay at a friends.

Some people are old before their time.

Assume those instances are typically pre-planned stays rather than crashing on a sofa which is what OP made it sound like.

Twice a month seems like loads when there are only 4 weekends.

Perhaps I'm old before my time haha!

ChickenStripper · 22/02/2022 20:11

@LalaOIOIand you then are eating into the next day - a chance to have a lazy lie in or do something together? I would say that you have moved into a new phase of your life ( you said that you moved to be with him) and you would think you would want to develop that as opposed to going to clubs with other people. You're not in pubs until 2 in the morning or whatever it is. I can see why he is pissed off. You said you always let him know - does this mean in advance or as the night progresses?

LBOCS2 · 22/02/2022 20:13

@AprilShowers82

Oh fgs. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. In 36, regularly stay at friends after nights out, they stay at mine too. DH has no problem with it what do ever because he’s not a control freak.

Exactly this.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 22/02/2022 20:13

@GreenClock

If I’d arranged to stay in a friend’s spare room and taken an overnight bag etc that would be great, no problem. Far better than a taxi solo!

However, crashing on a sofa and making my way home at 9am in last night’s clothes feeling grubby and headachy is a no-no these days, but something I did now and then as a carefree youngster. At 28 with a husband and children, it would seem a bit juvenile tbh.

Oh have a word with yourself 🤣

I'd rather be juvenile for the rest of my days than as prim as some of you lot.

T00Ts · 22/02/2022 20:14

Threads like this make me realise how tightly wound some posters are. Christ.

You aren’t being unreasonable @LalaOIOI. At all. His insecurities are making him controlling.

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