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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
polkadotty2 · 22/02/2022 20:32

Its probably been suggest already but if not.. get him to pick you up??
My DH has always done this if hes about even if its funny hours of the night just for my safety and if not the safest option would be to stay at the friends. Its not about trust but rather safety.

LottyD32 · 22/02/2022 20:33

@LalaOIOI

To add as well that sometimes I drive there and then have to get a taxi home which is always on my own as I live in a different area to most of my friends. He then takes me for my car the next day. But sometimes I really would prefer not to have to get a taxi alone.
Why doesn't he drop you and pick you up if he's that bothered 🤔
SmallPrawnEnergy · 22/02/2022 20:33

@LalaOIOI

Not running away from anything, just enjoy drinks, meals, pub with friends!
Do you drive? Surely you could do all of see things and just drive home without having a drink? I personally hate staying out and would feel a bit childish and an imposition sofa surfing so much, but if you really can’t enjoy the night without getting drunk then maybe compromise and alternate taxi / staying out?

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.
I agree. I understand it might look like he’s just anxious given his past but he’s probably desperate for a night alone together.

Blackbird2020 · 22/02/2022 20:33

Sounds like it’s all irrationally linked to his experience with his ex.

What does he say when you discuss it with him? If he can’t give a logical answer he might need to get some therapy to get over his past as it’s going to damage his future.

Nomorescreentime · 22/02/2022 20:34

I do this every few months after a night out, my DH does it too as our friends live a good 40 minutes away down the motorway which is an expensive taxi ride. We have young DC but of course we are both entitled to a break now and again!

Brieandcamembert · 22/02/2022 20:35

Some of you sound so fun I must say! 🤣

I can assure you I have loads of fun, just don't stay out half the night drunk to have fun. I meet friends for a meal/ glass of wine then go home. I meet them for a long walk and Sunday lunch etc.

JessieLongleg · 22/02/2022 20:36

What a control freak husband and give pre warning on nights we might not come back. My husband always say he will not enjoy work parties and drinks to much and passes out on a sofa lol.

TruJay · 22/02/2022 20:36

I don’t see an issue, I have a friend I met at Uni, she lives 45 mins away from me. When she invites me out for a meal or over to hers for food and a few drinks, I’ll take an overnight bag and stay in her spare room. Dh has never cared. There are times I’ll make the drive home or if I go by train, I’ll get the last train home but it’s no issue to stay over. He’s even picked me up in the morning. I’m 33 and she’s 9 years younger. Dh and I have two children.

Dh doesn’t stay over anywhere but he will pop over to a mate’s for drinks and a catch up, he did the other night for the boxing. I suppose dh would stay over if his mate lived a distance away but he’s around the corner.

Screw dh getting huffy though, couldn’t be arsed with that. If there’s an issue, he should discuss it, not sulk like a child.

peaceanddove · 22/02/2022 20:39

God Lord, I'm 51 and wouldn't think twice about staying over at a friend's house, and neither would DH. Even when our DDs were little, it was still perfectly acceptable to do this, safe in the knowledge that the at-home parent would be fine with picking up the slack. It was swings and roundabouts.

Some people are so readily old before their time, and self impose so many dry and dusty strictures on their lives.

ohhooh · 22/02/2022 20:40

Given his history, then it makes sense that he's not a fan of the arrangement. I'm also probably quite "prim" as PPs have said, I'm the same age as you and I wouldn't dream of sleeping on someone's sofa drunk 😬

It's all to do with compromise in a relationship, doing this makes him uncomfortable due to past experiences. A compromise would be coming home every now and then, maybe staying out half the time? Then it's middle ground.

CourtRand · 22/02/2022 20:40

@Brieandcamembert

Some of you sound so fun I must say! 🤣

I can assure you I have loads of fun, just don't stay out half the night drunk to have fun. I meet friends for a meal/ glass of wine then go home. I meet them for a long walk and Sunday lunch etc.

People enjoy different things. Fun to some is a walk and to others it's a club. Life would be boring if we all thought the same.
garlictwist · 22/02/2022 20:41

He is being weird and unreasonable. Personally i much prefer it when OH stays out as he doesn't wake me up coming in in the small hours.

hellsbells99 · 22/02/2022 20:43

I am staying over at my sisters tonight after a meal and bottle of wine. Nothing wrong with it and DH would never object.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 22/02/2022 20:44

I’m 33 and I do this regularly - well I did pre baby!

But yeah I like to party late with friends and it’s easier to just come home the next day

My husband doesn’t mind at all - he gets the house to himself for the night.

I can’t imagine getting upset about something like this - like what difference does it make if you come home at 5am or 11am the next day - why doesn’t he just go to bed and see you tomorrow .

He obviously doesn’t trust you

Choccyluvva · 22/02/2022 20:45

At 28 I was still having lots of fun going out and that started to wind down by 35, now I never go out!
Enjoy it.
I also understand when you’re out and it’s exciting etc you don’t want the night to end early.
If you had kids at home these weekends that’s different because it’s not fair to regularly leave the morning childcare ( and probably afternoon if you feel rough)
I think this is just about trust and you need to talk this through

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 20:47

I think it’s absolutely fine!

I don’t understand why some people think you should stop going out and having fun with your friends just because you’re married.
How dare a woman not be at the beck and call of her husband 24/7!!

The issue here is that he’s an introvert so doesn’t understand.
But I don’t think that’s a deal breaker as my friends an introvert and her partners not so he’ll go out with his mates and she invites her mates round the house or just has the house to herself which she loves.

I do think you need to tell him ahead of time if you’re staying out though so he’s not up worrying that somethings happened because you’re not home yet.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2022 20:49

I don't see a problem with it. Better to stay put than drive home tired in the wee hours. And obvs if you've been drinking you absolutely need to stay put.

It's really wrong of him to demand that you 'toe the line' because his ex lied to have an affair. He needs to work on his trust issues and not expect you to cater to them. Problem is that trust issues have a way of growing more serious over time. His need to be nipped in the bud. Would he consent to marriage counseling?

redbigbananafeet · 22/02/2022 20:50

@phoenixrosehere

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.

It’s once or twice a month and there are four -five weekends in a month. Where does it say they don’t get quality time?

So do you think they have no kids every weekend? That's be a whole other thread.
Mojoj · 22/02/2022 20:52

All these people asking how old the OP is and if she has kids, what's that got to do with anything? What boring lives you must all lead the minute you get married and have kids🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Seriously OP, I'd continue enjoying yourself. Your husband is free to do the same, I assume? Not your problem if he's not interested.

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2022 20:54

So do you think they have no kids every weekend? That's be a whole other thread.

Do you think a couple can’t have quality time together unless the kids are gone?

Holidays27 · 22/02/2022 20:59

It wouldn’t occur to me to stay overnight. I like going out but I am always happy to come home and sleep in bed with DH; however I am not a big drinker or a night out person

GemmaAlone · 22/02/2022 21:01

@GreenClock

If I’d arranged to stay in a friend’s spare room and taken an overnight bag etc that would be great, no problem. Far better than a taxi solo!

However, crashing on a sofa and making my way home at 9am in last night’s clothes feeling grubby and headachy is a no-no these days, but something I did now and then as a carefree youngster. At 28 with a husband and children, it would seem a bit juvenile tbh.

Agreed.
ouch321 · 22/02/2022 21:02

Sounds a bit teenagery to me.

Not wrong but weird in your position...

LittleMissMoggy · 22/02/2022 21:02

I wouldn't like getting taxis alone late at night either OP. I stay at friends sometimes without husband, including staying with male friends. I can understand he might not want you away regularly but it does come across as a bit controlling. Being married shouldn't mean you totally lose your identity and independence.

2pinkginsplease · 22/02/2022 21:05

Dh usually picks me up after a night out and vice versa. Saves on means We both get home after a fun night out.

I hate waking up in someone else’s home after a night out,