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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Milkshake54 · 22/02/2022 21:05

I think for me if it wasn't my DH, I wouldn't mind if it was pre-arranged BEFORE he went out. But if he text me saying he wouldn't be home, I would be pretty annoyed!

whynotwhatknot · 22/02/2022 21:06

i wish my dh would stay out at a friends rather come home pissed and anoying

dont think youre doing anything wrong

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 21:06

@LalaOIOI

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

The first time would the last time.
Viviennemary · 22/02/2022 21:06

I dont think married people should make a habit of staying out all night for social reasons.

PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 21:07

@Viviennemary

I dont think married people should make a habit of staying out all night for social reasons.
Why on earth not?
Lampyshady · 22/02/2022 21:09

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.*

I think it’s more sad and quite unhealthy to only spend time with your partner and not see friends. When you live with your partner you get lots of quality time, it’s perfectly healthy and fine to take advantage of a child free night to go out independently and see other friends. And nothing wrong with having a laugh and a big night out resulting in crashing on a friends sofa at any age

nanbread · 22/02/2022 21:09

How often do the GP have your kids?!

Every weekend?

Jengnr · 22/02/2022 21:09

Wouldn’t even occur to me that this was a problem tbh. It’s not even about drinking (although I definitely would be). It’s nice to go to your mates, put your jamas on, curl up on the sofa and put the world to rights. I’m 43, I don’t want a fucking curfew.

And having small kids at home makes no difference either. If you know you’re out on a Saturday night give him a lie in that morning. Job done.

teawamutu · 22/02/2022 21:10

@Viviennemary

I dont think married people should make a habit of staying out all night for social reasons.
Very married for ages here. Can't for the life of me see why not?
Bambozled33 · 22/02/2022 21:11

Why do people think that being married means you can’t go out and have fun separately occasionally! It also makes sense in your situation to stay at your friends.

My DH can be like when I go out (although never huffy!) if I don’t give any prior warning (this is rare and unfortunately nights out are not that frequent anyway). I stay at friends for similar reasons to yours and mainly to save on taxi fair.

He just likes to know I’m safe and visibly see me so I always message him when I’m back at friends and when I’m going to sleep which seems to make him happy. Maybe something like that would help if your out overnight and give him a bit of reassurance.

Knockdown42 · 22/02/2022 21:11

I don’t see what the issue is with a 20-30m cab home. I get a cab home all the time from work (11pm-2am) when working late and it’s 50m-1hr+

Also in the camp where I can’t imagine going for a regular piss up with friends, but many of my friends are ‘our friends’ so we have dinner parties and things like that.

He’s not controlling though. He clearly cares. If he was controlling he’d tell you what you could do with your evenings out...

5128gap · 22/02/2022 21:11

I do it. 52, no responsibilities. I enjoy the morning after chat with my friend nearly as much as the night out.

Coffeepot72 · 22/02/2022 21:16

If DH did this occasionally and it was pre-planned then ok, but I certainly wouldn’t be happy about it on a regular basis and/or if he just didn’t come home one night.

I don’t care if I’m prim.

Bringsexyback · 22/02/2022 21:18

To be fair my ex-husband did this a few times and he was in fact having an affair so I would struggle to believe that that wasn’t the case with any future relationships

momtoboys · 22/02/2022 21:19

I'm interested to know how old your husband is?

Viviennemary · 22/02/2022 21:19

If a man did this on a regular basis there would be a whole chorus of Ltb. Good old MN double standards again.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:20

@Bakewelltart987

Can dh not drop you off/pick you up so you don't need a taxi personally I'd rather wake in my own bed after a few drinks rather than on a friends sofa then making way home hungover.
He does sometimes but only until 11:30/12ish because then he wants to go to bed.
OP posts:
momtoboys · 22/02/2022 21:20

I also wish this were put on a vote because I think it would be close.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:20

@momtoboys

I'm interested to know how old your husband is?
38
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 21:21

@Viviennemary

If a man did this on a regular basis there would be a whole chorus of Ltb. Good old MN double standards again.
You haven’t explained why married people shouldn’t be spending social time away from each other overnight.
ChickenStripper · 22/02/2022 21:24

@5128gap

I do it. 52, no responsibilities. I enjoy the morning after chat with my friend nearly as much as the night out.
no responsibilities 🙄🙄🙄
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:24

@nanbread

How often do the GP have your kids?!

Every weekend?

No not at all. Read my posts. Typically once, maybe twice a month.
OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 22/02/2022 21:26

@AprilShowers82

Oh fgs. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. In 36, regularly stay at friends after nights out, they stay at mine too. DH has no problem with it what do ever because he’s not a control freak.
Same here
LittleMissMoggy · 22/02/2022 21:26

Some of the marriages on this thread sound suffocating.

Jelly4444 · 22/02/2022 21:27

"Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair"

I don't think it's unreasonable to stay with a friend OP. Maybe the above is your DPs issue? I know I would feel nervous that history might repeat itself if I were in his shoes.