Okay to stay out when married?

[LalaOIOI]

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

Tbh even when I was 28, I wouldn't want to sleep on someone's sofa for the night. I'd much rather go home.

@UserError012345 it’s not about whether you would want to personally though is it. It’s about OP’s right to do so if that’s what she wants without having her husband huffing with her all the next day

This is nuts how many people wouldn’t dare spend a night away from their husband

Never knew deciding to get married meant you had to change who you are and you now have to be a less fun version of yourself, do everything together, clock watch on nights out. Absolutely mental tbh

You keep doing what you do OP and your husband should get some help to get over what happened with his ex and realise you are not the same person

@UserError012345

Tbh even when I was 28, I wouldn't want to sleep on someone's sofa for the night. I'd much rather go home.

Great for you but other people might want to.

I really enjoy crashing out with my mates after a night out, waking up and laughing about the night before, maybe go for breakfast.

I don't think @Rosieposie101 knows why she thinks it's inappropriate, she just wanted to join in

Tbh even when I was 28, I wouldn't want to sleep on someone's sofa for the night. I'd much rather go home.

I rather not spend a ridiculous amount of money to taxi it home when I can easily get sleep at a friend’s place and head home in the morning. People have different comfort levels and priorities.

I really enjoy crashing out with my mates after a night out, waking up and laughing about the night before, maybe go for breakfast.

Me too! And more than anything I hate clock-watching on a night out. It spoils the fun. My favourite evenings are those where a few of us stay at our friend's house, have a few drinks, some nice food, usually get into our pyjamas and some point knowing that we can all just fall into bed when we're ready. Our ages range from late 30s to early 50s and we're all very responsible and thankfully have partners who couldn't care less that we don't go home.

Yes of course it makes sense to stay at friends ! My husband regularly goes skiing,pot holing and cycling trips with friends.
I regularly go away with girl friends for weekend,visited friends in Canada,a week to the canaries 3 times …it what keeps our marriage intact!

@Amnotamug

Yes of course it makes sense to stay at friends ! My husband regularly goes skiing,pot holing and cycling trips with friends. I regularly go away with girl friends for weekend,visited friends in Canada,a week to the canaries 3 times …it what keeps our marriage intact!

You do realise he's probably cheating on you, don't you?

Just joking, obviously, but it's the first "obvious" conclusion that many on this thread would come to. Sounds like you have a brilliantly healthy marriage to me.

I think it's absolutely fine once in a while.
I often do it - I say often, maybe 4 times a year. I try and mix it up so one night out maybe I'd drive and not drink, the next one I'd get a taxi home (but then would feel I should go home around midnight so as not to disturb DH and kids too much) and the the next one I'd stay with a friend who lives in town. Taxis home for me can be around £30.
I feel like if I did it every time Dh might feel I don't want to spend time with him, and I'd miss a few mornings with the kids (teens).
I never did it when the kids were young though, just too much work to leave dh with!

I never did it when the kids were young though, just too much work to leave dh with!

Good grief, the very idea: a MAN, tasked with parenting his own DC ...
I'd bet my house you did solo parenting on myriad occasions @Stellaroses

@ChikaCherryCola

I really enjoy crashing out with my mates after a night out, waking up and laughing about the night before, maybe go for breakfast.

Me too! And more than anything I hate clock-watching on a night out. It spoils the fun. My favourite evenings are those where a few of us stay at our friend's house, have a few drinks, some nice food, usually get into our pyjamas and some point knowing that we can all just fall into bed when we're ready. Our ages range from late 30s to early 50s and we're all very responsible and thankfully have partners who couldn't care less that we don't go home.

Exactly. We're all the same age and largely all have kids so the ability to do this is limited, and we're spread out so have to pay for an air B&B type thing to do this, I'd love to be local enough that it didn't have to be six months in planning and £40 ph just for accommodation. I'm actually jealous of people who can still do this!

I feel like if I did it every time Dh might feel I don't want to spend time with him but it isn't her every free weekend, not even her every free child free weekend
and I'd miss a few mornings with the kids (teens). I never did it when the kids were young though, just too much work to leave dh with! perhaps in the teens there's a feeling of those morning running out. Mine are 6, 2 and 2 and there's a ton of Sunday mornings ahead of us. I don't think any of us miss out on not spending them all together if it means healthy, balanced parents. And yes, I leave DH to do all three kids which Inc late night tube feeds for 6 yo

I'd miss a few mornings with the kids (teens)
My teens rarely surface before 1pm at the weekend 😂

I never did it when the kids were young though, just too much work to leave dh with!
This idea that men can't parent their own children alone astounds me. And the more we perpetuate it, the more they'll get away with doing as little as possible. I'm not sure I could be married to a man who I didn't trust to be an adequate father to our children.

I'd love to be local enough that it didn't have to be six months in planning and £40 ph just for accommodation
We are very lucky. My life feels far richer for having my friends in it.

@OshaOsha

I get to have a great night out with my friends, he stays secure knowing I'm coming home again.

That's not a compromise because he doesn't have an issue with her going out with friends.

She wants to go out. He doesn't care. No compromise needed.

She wants to stay at friend's. He doesn't want her to. That's where a compromise could he appropriate. Where you both feel different ways about something.

You don't compromise by OP doing something that DP didn't even have an issue with, and then demanding that she solve the ACTUAL issue by just doing what he wants.

If I take my kids to the park, I don't have an issue with that. I do have an issue that they want to stay there for 5 hours.

The issue isn't going to the park, it's the time spent there. So, a compromise would be "2.5 hours". It would be a compromise about the time, they don't get to spend 5 hours there and I don't get to insist they play there for "just an hour".

Saying "Well, let's 'compromise', I took you to the park so you leave in an hour" isn't a compromise - it's a deal. It's different.

Perhaps OP can compromise by going out with friends and getting picked up at midight by her DH then. Same as your park analogy with the kids. you go but not stay 5 hours. I think you're the one who doesn't understand the word compromise in OP's situation.

But it seems to me OP isn't willing to compromise on any of her nights out. She wants to stay out as late as she wants and then not go home. Regularly.

Or perhaps she go out less often. But no, she seems to not want to compromise on that either.

I actually feel sorry for some of the blokes some of you are married to or in a relationship with. Theres alot of selfish people on this thread who just think me ,me, me. I'll do what I want, fuck my partners feelings, and anyone who doesn't like it is controlling and weird.

@Bookworm20

The going out is not the issue. Her husband WANTS her to go out. Her going out less or him having to pick her up negatively affect him too. So how is that a compromise?

*But it seems to me OP isn't willing to compromise on any of her nights out. She wants to stay out as late as she wants and then not go home. Regularly.

Or perhaps she go out less often. But no, she seems to not want to compromise on that either.*

Once or twice a month is not a lot. She also has said she doesn’t stay over a friend’s house every time.

She shouldn’t have to compromise considering these circumstances because her own DH can’t deal with his own securities and doesn’t trust the woman he chose to make his wife, knowing she was an extrovert from day one because of what another woman who had nothing to do with his current marriage did to him.

I would agree compromising if it was every week but it’s not. We could easily flip it around and say that her DH is alone while she’s out with her friends and could be cheating under her nose. People who have been cheated on can also cheat themselves.

It’s not healthy for him or their marriage if he continues to hold onto these feelings after 6+ years and use them against his own wife.

I don't buy the "she should compromise" thing. If she were going out every weekend and he wanted to spend more time with her, then the compromise would be to reduce the frequency. He doesn't have an issue with the frequency or her going out at all, but has some weird obsession that she will cheat on him when she stays at a friend's house. Returning home every time, is not a compromise. It's not "meeting in the middle". It's allowing him to dictate what she does due to his own insecurities which are unrelated to her. If I were the op I'd be completely offended if my dh thought that me staying out would lead to me being unfaithful. It's a complete lack of trust and respect.

What the op needs to do, I think, is to plan to stay out, so that there's no last minute changes when he's expecting her home, because I get that that could be irritating. And her dh needs to address his issues.

And fyi, putting oneself first from time to time isn't selfish. Women don't have to be at the beck and call of their husbands and children 100% of the time. We're so used to this idea that women shouldn't have lives outside of their family, that when they do people (well, women) start feeling sorry for the menfolk. It's always the same.

@ChikaCherryCola

I'd miss a few mornings with the kids (teens) My teens rarely surface before 1pm at the weekend 😂

I never did it when the kids were young though, just too much work to leave dh with!
This idea that men can't parent their own children alone astounds me. And the more we perpetuate it, the more they'll get away with doing as little as possible. I'm not sure I could be married to a man who I didn't trust to be an adequate father to our children.

I feel i should add that i DO have friends nearby, but the eldest of our kids is 7 so we're all still very much under the "there's no spare beds and you'll wake up to a small kid in your face" stage. High school and Uni friends stretched over the country but even my local friends, it's always a lot of planning

Perhaps OP can compromise by going out with friends and getting picked up at midight by her DH then.

No, because the going out isn't the issue. The staying out until 5am isn't the issue. It's just that she has to sleep in bed with him. A compromise would be sometimes she gets to stay at friend's and sometimes she comes home.

But it seems to me OP isn't willing to compromise on any of her nights out. She wants to stay out as late as she wants

And her DP doesn't care about that. So saying "stay out as long as you want but make sure you get into our bed at the end of it" isn't a compromise, because staying out as long as she wants is something neither of them care about.

So, yes, it's clear you don't know what a compromise is.

Perhaps OP can compromise by going out with friends and getting picked up at midight by her DH then But this isn't a compromise because there's nothing in that scenario that doesn't suit the DP and everything that doesn't suit OP (clock watching, not being trusted). Compromise isn't one side getting everything they want.

and then not go home. Regularly. she goes out no more than twice a month and stops out less than half that. I wouldn't consider something that happens less than once a month as regular.

Or perhaps she go out less often. But no, she seems to not want to compromise on that either. But he LIKES it when she goes out. Her staying in makes no one happier.

I actually feel sorry for some of the blokes some of you are married to or in a relationship with. Theres alot of selfish people on this thread who just think me ,me, me. I'll do what I want, fuck my partners feelings, and anyone who doesn't like it is controlling and weird.
Or there's a lot of people on this thread who understand their needs and their partners, and whose partners do the same, who went into relationships with honesty and found a partner who didn't want to change them. My first date I told now-DH "i work two jobs, i do two lots of volunteering, i see my friends but i am looking for a relationship and i will make time for us but i won't give everything up" He still proposed within six moinths, has our kids so i could continue my one volunteer role inbetween kids (i dropped), has them when i want to see my friends. And i do the same. He's away end of March, i pushed him to book it, told him two nights is fine. Because i don't see it as a rejection of me or us or assume he's going to cheat. We just have our own lives still

you go but not stay 5 hours.

"I let you come to the park so you have to leave when I say" ... That's not a compromise because I didn't care about taking them to the park. I haven't given anything I didn't want to.

"We stay for 2 hours, not 5" is a compromise because I'm staying for 2 hours when I didn't want to be here that long, and the kids are also leaving before they want to leave. Each person has conceded to something they didn't want.

Likewise
"I let you go out with your friends so you have to sleep in our bed at the end of it" isn't a compromise because he doesn't care about her going out with friends so he can't then use it to get what he wants as an exchange, because he hasn't "given" anything he didn't want to give by her going out with her friends until late.

You're saying a compromise would be for OP to go out but always be back in bed with DP at the end of it. So, OP has to concede to DP but DP doesn't have to concede to OP. Not a compromise. Her DP hasn't "given" something he didn't want to by OP going out late with her friends.

YANBU. It really doesn't make a difference if you come back at 2 am or if you stay over at a friend's. I think his past is making him on edge, but that still shouldn't stop you from having your freedom.

Would you feel okay if he wanted to pick you up instead? If you're alright with that then you can tell him you're going to stay over, or he can give you a lift. That way it's his choice if he doesn't want to and if he sulks he's being a dick about it.