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Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
MsMeNz · 22/02/2022 20:15

I guess with his history poor guy I can get why he'd be edgey.

I personally expect my DH to come home on a night out whatever time. But he does occasionally, like once every few months have a sleepover at his best friend's house where they drink and remanise until the early hours and watch late night boxing but the mate does live in a different city and I have no intention of driving him back or him getting a very expensive taxi in middle.of night so a sleep over works then.

Either way I don't think either of you are being that unreasonable, maybe if it's the concern of where you are thing agree a quick face time or something when you get in at your mates house.

AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 20:15

No @purplehairlady not necessarily planned.

I may be 56 but still enjoy a kitchen disco and a sing song, and a few drinks into the early hours, and may well crash on a friends sofa.

Age has nothing to do with it.

Flowersandbread · 22/02/2022 20:16

For me it depends on how you are the next day. My dh stays at his friend's sometimes, I dunno I guess once or twice a month and I don't mind as long as he gets himself back home and in a good mood for a Sunday together. In the past he might chill and have breakfast at his friend's and not come home til 10am and then want to doze on the sofa and that was what I didn't like.

I think my dh would be the same with me, wouldn't care as long as it didn't eat into the next day

Crazykatie · 22/02/2022 20:17

Reverse the situation would you be happy if he stayed out all night regularly!. You would be thinking what is he up to is he having an affair, is he thinking that about you??.

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2022 20:18

I don’t mind my dh going to stay with a friend; he’s doing it at the end of March to watch the six nations finals. I also don’t mind if he’s hungover; feel quite smug when I’m not as well

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2022 20:19

My DH does this once in awhile and lets me know beforehand. I rather him book a hotel or stay with a friend than try to make it home intoxicated. The few times he did that he ended up on the wrong side of town from trying to walk and I had to direct him because there were no available taxis. . Translating drunk Geordie accent is not fun.

Yes, we have children, (7 yo asd and 4 yo). It doesn’t bother me because I know he doesn’t mind when I go out. I’ve stayed overnight at hotels and gone on solo holidays. We also don’t have any family nearby.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 22/02/2022 20:20

My husband would say to stay over rather than waste money on a taxi! (We are mid to late 30s if that really makes a difference).

I don't see getting home at 9am is any different to getting home at 2am (if you are safe to drive at 9am... if its been a heavy night and you can't drive until later I can that be annoying...)

RedRobyn2021 · 22/02/2022 20:21

I don't know if it were the other way round I know this would upset me tbh

redbigbananafeet · 22/02/2022 20:21

@LalaOIOI

And to add I don't ask my parents or PILs to do this so I can go out. They ask all the time to have DC over, they love it. I have to fight them off! So yes I take advantage of the time when they do have them over night.
It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.
Brieandcamembert · 22/02/2022 20:22

It's pretty juvenile behaviour for someone who is married with children. Even if the kids aren't at home. I would be upset if my husband was going out getting drunk and not coming home until the next day.

NurseButtercup · 22/02/2022 20:22

@LalaOIOI

And yes I always tell him if I'm going to stay somewhere. Id never just not turn up home.

It sounds regular but it's probably about once a month maybe twice I go out and I won't always be staying out every time.

You're an adult, your children are safe and you communicate your whereabouts with your DH. Do what you want.

Your DH needs to work on his residual anxiety relating to his ex cheating.

Ignore the people saying you can't go out & stay out because you've got kids.

Allsorts1 · 22/02/2022 20:22

I think it’s fine - I hate crashing in an unplanned way though. And I can see his point if it’s a bit random whether you stay out all night or not.

Would he be more comfortable if you planned it? So took an overnight bag, he knew you were staying at Sarah’s etc?

28 is still so young and well within the appropriate age range for these sorts of shenanigans I would have though! (If there even is such a thing as appropriate age range!)

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:24

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.

Why is it sad?

He really enjoys the time to himself. He'd say as much himself. He's not in the slightest bothered about me going out

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:24

Would he be more comfortable if you planned it? So took an overnight bag, he knew you were staying at Sarah’s etc?

No I don't think it would make any difference. He still wouldn't want me to.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:25

@Brieandcamembert

It's pretty juvenile behaviour for someone who is married with children. Even if the kids aren't at home. I would be upset if my husband was going out getting drunk and not coming home until the next day.
Why is it juvenile?
OP posts:
needmoreshinys · 22/02/2022 20:25

For me personally, I wouldn't be happy with a once fornight not knowing if you are going to come home. Once in a while, fine, let some steam off.

However, you are an adult, can do what you want, but maybe as a middle ground, say tell him when you are have arranged the night you are staying out rather than leaving it to the last minute

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 20:25

Some of you sound so fun I must say! 🤣

OP posts:
Bakewelltart987 · 22/02/2022 20:25

Can dh not drop you off/pick you up so you don't need a taxi personally I'd rather wake in my own bed after a few drinks rather than on a friends sofa then making way home hungover.

needmoreshinys · 22/02/2022 20:26

OP ignore me, I have just seen your update

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2022 20:27

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.

It’s once or twice a month and there are four -five weekends in a month. Where does it say they don’t get quality time?

SexyLittleNosferatu · 22/02/2022 20:28

@Brieandcamembert

It's pretty juvenile behaviour for someone who is married with children. Even if the kids aren't at home. I would be upset if my husband was going out getting drunk and not coming home until the next day.
Is it? I would say it's incredibly boring and mind numbing to spend your free time knee deep in snot and nappies but that would upset all the ever so mature sensible 'married with children' posters wouldn't it 🤣
Travis1 · 22/02/2022 20:28

🤣🤣 Jesus some of you lot need to unclench.

I’m mid 30’s stay over at friends, have more night out than my husband and at least one holiday a year without him. We love each other and trust each other. We don’t need to be in each other’s pockets for that to be the case.

AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 20:29

@LalaOIOI

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.

Why is it sad?

He really enjoys the time to himself. He'd say as much himself. He's not in the slightest bothered about me going out

Same here. Himself enjoys his own company, can hog the telly, and likes to see me enjoying myself.

Honestly what is the problem with some folks.

You're a long time dead.

CourtRand · 22/02/2022 20:30

@purplehairlady

Yes, I would personally always go home even if late (& I would not like DH staying out like that either).

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

It's not the type of behaviour that works if you have kids, so if you two are talking about having a family, this type of behaviour would be a red flag for me roles reversed.

Not really. Me and my mates stay at each others all the time and we're all 26-30
PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 20:30

Twice a month seems quite a lot but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with staying at a friend’s house. Dh and I both have separate weekends visiting our own friends. I wouldn’t like the uncertainty of not knowing whether he’d be coming in late but would have no issue with him staying elsewhere for the night.

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