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AIBU?

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Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
CravelTube · 22/02/2022 21:28

10 year age difference.Could be part of the problem too. You still need to get dressed up out on the town and go out getting admired by other guys trying to chat you up. Why do you need this?

LoisLane66 · 22/02/2022 21:29

Why don't your friends meet you half way for a night out or come over to your area for a change? It depends on how often your sleepovers happen and how often you go out till the early hours with friends. I would imagine nights out are fine but sleepovers...that's for kids or young singles.

expat101 · 22/02/2022 21:30

DH and I love our own bed so for me, I don't stay over unless I'm away away which is always pre-planned (life before COVID).

However, DH had a roving alcoholic partner before me, so I can see that this could be your DH's sore point. What was he like when you were dating? Was it an issue then?

An earlier poster suggested more forewarning might be the go and I agree. Make it pre-planned if you are not already doing so, rather than a last-minute maybe I will and maybe I won't go home thing.

I also agree with the Poster who asked how much is this eating into the following day?

Is it possible when the DC are staying at Gran's, and it's DH's mum, is someone saying to him ''oh she is out again is she...'''? his family quite likely helped support him during his previous situation and could be somewhat hardened themselves by the experience of seeing their son hurt. ... my 2 cents worth.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 21:32

What if your poor husband wants a sandwich or his clothes washed - who will do it for him if you’re out gallivanting around town Grin

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:33

A compromise would be coming home every now and then, maybe staying out half the time? Then it's middle ground.

It's not even half the time that I do this. It's rare. But I feel like I can't even suggest it because he doesn't like it. He wouldn't like it a few times or if it was pre planned.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 21:33

@CravelTube

10 year age difference.Could be part of the problem too. You still need to get dressed up out on the town and go out getting admired by other guys trying to chat you up. Why do you need this?
Where on earth have you got that from?
BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 21:33

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

You're not his ex. The sooner he gets that into his head the better.

Of course you can stay out. You're an adult.

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 21:34

A compromise would be coming home every now and then, maybe staying out half the time? Then it's middle ground.

Compromise is only important when either side has a reasonable stance. He does not.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 21:34

@CravelTube

10 year age difference.Could be part of the problem too. You still need to get dressed up out on the town and go out getting admired by other guys trying to chat you up. Why do you need this?
@CravelTube OMG! Not every action or behaviour a woman does is to gain admiration or attention from men you know! Perhaps OP likes getting dressed up FOR HERSELF, spending time with pals, having a few drinks, letting her hair down, having a dance, have a laugh. Do you think that this only the preserve of younger woman who are ‘on the pull’? If so, you need to check your internalised misogyny and perhaps have a good night out yourself!
wanttobeehappy · 22/02/2022 21:34

I’d definitely be going home

Aprilx · 22/02/2022 21:35

My husband has a few nights a year when he has a weekend night out and stays in a hotel in London. I wouldn’t be happy of this was once or twice a month as it would start to cut into our weekend time, by the time he gets back.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:36

@Jelly4444

"Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair"

I don't think it's unreasonable to stay with a friend OP. Maybe the above is your DPs issue? I know I would feel nervous that history might repeat itself if I were in his shoes.

Yes it's definitely his issue.
OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:37

@CravelTube

10 year age difference.Could be part of the problem too. You still need to get dressed up out on the town and go out getting admired by other guys trying to chat you up. Why do you need this?
WHAT?! 😂 Erm no. I don't go out to be admired and chatted up by men. I go out with my friends to enjoy spending time with them and because we have fun.

What the fuck is this sexist bullshit?

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:39

It's good to see though that enjoying a drink or a club with friends or staying at a friend's house once you're married or have children is

-sad
-juvenile
-teenagery
-for the attention of men.

Okayyyy.

OP posts:
britcanmam · 22/02/2022 21:39

I don't think you should be sleeping out 1-2 times a month, it seems a lot. I think you are being inconsiderate doing that to him, especially if he has been cheated on in the past, these experiences are deeply scaring. Doing it maybe once or twice a year would be more acceptable.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:40

I would imagine nights out are fine but sleepovers...that's for kids or young singles.

WHY is it though? Can you explain why you think this?

Why is sleeping in a friend's house for only single people or kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:40

@britcanmam

I don't think you should be sleeping out 1-2 times a month, it seems a lot. I think you are being inconsiderate doing that to him, especially if he has been cheated on in the past, these experiences are deeply scaring. Doing it maybe once or twice a year would be more acceptable.
I'm not staying out once or twice a month. Most of the time I come home if I go out. As I've said. A few times.
OP posts:
OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 21:41

Being in a huff' is your punishment.

I never understand why on MN there is an idea that you can never show that you are a bit annoyed about something. If you aren't happy about something, it's not likely the other person won't notice at all, is it?

I do think it's a bit controlling but I also think it's understandable as this exact situation he has been in before, and he was being cheated on.

At the end of the day, he isn't stopping you. I think you just need to say you're doing it and be upfront and say no, you aren't cheating, and if he does need reassurance the first time then I would think nothing of sending him a pic or something when I'm at the friends house. I wouldn't keep doing this though. But having been cheated on I know how those niggling doubts it is happening again can feel and think it's a bit mean to be dismissive of it.

Hopefully, he would just get used to it.

My DP would always prefer I came home, and I would prefer the same from DP, but we wouldn't insist on it.

Thewindwhispers · 22/02/2022 21:41

I can see why it makes DH grumpy. It’s just a teenage / early twenties thing to do, most people have grown out of it by your age. Not trying to be rude 🙈 just not sure how else to say it. Most mums aren’t out getting drunk and crashing on people’s sofas, they just aren’t, they’ve found better things to do. (And with the background here re his wife having an affair while pretending to stay at friends it seems pretty insensitive too.)

If you didn’t want to know what we all think, why ask?

AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 21:42

@LittleMissMoggy

Some of the marriages on this thread sound suffocating.

Totally.

PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 21:42

If you didn’t want to know what we all think, why ask?

We don’t all think the same as you.

Why is staying at a friend’s juvenile? Would it be more acceptable if she was staying in their spare room?

blanketyblanked · 22/02/2022 21:42

As he's been cheated on in the past, I do sympathise with wanting you to come home & nor staying out the night. It's horrible lying alone in the dark, wondering if your other half is being unfaithful or not after having last experience. I think you should be more sensitive, to be honest

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 21:42

Most mums aren’t out getting drunk and crashing on people’s sofas, they just aren’t, they’ve found better things to do

Do you know most mum's?

OP posts:
5128gap · 22/02/2022 21:45

Why does no responsibilities get 3 eye rolls chickenstripper?

PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 21:45

@blanketyblanked

As he's been cheated on in the past, I do sympathise with wanting you to come home & nor staying out the night. It's horrible lying alone in the dark, wondering if your other half is being unfaithful or not after having last experience. I think you should be more sensitive, to be honest
So the op never gets to go out because he was cheated on? It wasn’t her. That’s not her fault. He needs to get over it. He trusts her or he doesn’t. I