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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
peboh · 22/02/2022 18:08

The gain is that they get to spend quality time with their grandchildren. Also you and dh get a nice child free evening to spend time together.
I don't really see why you're against it.

I would love for either side of parents to offer to have our dd overnight.

GrendelsGrandma · 22/02/2022 18:12

It's an extra challenge and adventure for the kids, builds up their confidence and resilience. The GP get all the cosy bathtimes and bedtime cuddles which are different to daytime play. I don't see it as taking anything away from you.

That said, you get to say yes or no to what you like. I don't think this would be opening the floodgates and they'd be away every weekend?!

Original poster
Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:13

But they could spend quality time with the grandchildren during the day. I just don’t see what quality time they would be getting when the children are asleep? Plus we don’t live locally to parents so would then have to drive back the next day to collect the next morning. We do bend over backwards so everyone has a fair amount of time with our DDs but I just think it’s unfair to be digged at and called selfish over something I’m not completely comfortable with …

OP posts:
UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 22/02/2022 18:14

The things people complain about on here sometimes. 😂

I’m counting down the months until my parents are able to take our kids for a sleepover! The DCs will have a wonderful time, I know, and I’d kill to have one night off!

Gizacluethen · 22/02/2022 18:15

I think it's good for the kids. But it depends if you trust them. I would only trust my dad, who is already decorating DSs bedroom at his house! We let PILs have DS for an hour and got called back because he was crying, and I don't trust my mums husband.

Original poster
Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:16

I came on here for others opinions as me and DH were very divided. Hardly call it complaining

OP posts:
whoruntheworldgirls · 22/02/2022 18:17

Your children OP you call the shots. My MIL has had my daughter overnight once because we went to an event, my daughter is 5.
Both sets of parents have babysat plenty of times but only for a day/evening and they are very happy with that
To be honest i liking waking up to her cuddles

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2022 18:17

Can't they drop home?

That removes one of the issues.

balalake · 22/02/2022 18:18

Depends on their age. I think better something like that for them to adapt to an occasion not at home with mum and dad, than have to wait say until a school residential trip when much older. If they have separation anxiety, grandparents will be able to deal with it and much less embarrassing than having to collect a child from a school trip or a cub or brownie camp.

MacauliflowerCulkin · 22/02/2022 18:19

'Plus we don’t live locally to parents so would then have to drive back the next day to collect the next morning.'*
*
But you can pick them up during the day with no problem?

Also - dropping off your child to spend time with their grandparents isn't 'palming' them off. Also - it doesn't mean you have to do it every weekend so I think you saying 'when do I get quality time' with the child is a tad extreme.

It's a sleepover. I slept from age 2ish with my nana once a month until I was about 11. I have the BEST memories and I looked forward to it every single time.

Night times they can give your child a bath. Watch a movie. Snuggle in bed. Stories.

Some people would kill to have that offer.

Can't see why you're complaining to be honest. Seems rather OTT to be complaining that the child's grandparents are offering a sleepover.

YABU.

HotWaterAndLemon · 22/02/2022 18:20

I sympathise in terms of no one in my family ever offered to help when my children were young and extremely hard work and I was exhausted and desperate for respite.
Now my children are older and good company and easier to manage and the GP’s are less active and a bit lonely. Suddenly I’m getting offers of baby sitting and over night stays.

MacauliflowerCulkin · 22/02/2022 18:21

@balalake

Depends on their age. I think better something like that for them to adapt to an occasion not at home with mum and dad, than have to wait say until a school residential trip when much older. If they have separation anxiety, grandparents will be able to deal with it and much less embarrassing than having to collect a child from a school trip or a cub or brownie camp.
I think the child's at least 2 as she mentioned she's already dealt with 'troublesome twos'
Totalwasteofpaper · 22/02/2022 18:22

Yabu

I won’t let my mil have my baby overnight as she is a fairly “troubled” person (BPD/HPD) and I fundamentally do not believe she is able to meet my child’s basic needs (ie she would forget to feed them, leave them in soiled nappies, not give them enough fluids)

Once kids are more autonomous and bigger 7/8 etc I would still prob allow it if my child was interested…

What’s the benefit?

  • Quality 1:1 time with your husband?
  • Allowing your children to have “an adventure” at grandparents and also learning a little bit more independence (sleeping somewhere other than “their home”)
  • bringing a bit of joy to your parents / in laws
SeasonFinale · 22/02/2022 18:23

Ask whether they will either pick up or drop back so you only do the trip once. Use the time to go out with DH even if just the cinema where you may not usually go to the expense of a paid babysitter.

The kids will love it , the grandparents will love it and it sounds as though DH would too. I suspect you might too if you try it.

Why not give it a go and if you really don't like being apart for one night then you don't have to do it again.

Fairyfalls · 22/02/2022 18:23

I have so many happy memories of staying over at my grandparents growing up. Tea and toast in the morning in front of the fire and just a warm coziness feel of being loved by my family. They would get so much out of the quality time with grandparents. I think it would be lovely for all of them.

VariationsonaTheme · 22/02/2022 18:23

I think it’s a good opportunity for children to get used to being away from parents, in an environment they’re comfortable in. I would have hated it if the first time mine were away from home was because I was seriously ill in hospital for instance. It doesn’t need to be every week, but every now and then won’t hurt surely?

Lazypuppy · 22/02/2022 18:24

They get the evening time and the next morning, and you and your DH get a child free evening

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/02/2022 18:24

YANBU. Your children, your call. It might be a nice adventure every once in a while though. How often are they proposing these sleepovers happen?

peboh · 22/02/2022 18:26

I can understand not feeling comfortable, and that's completely reasonable. However you've put in your op, that you feel like you deserve the overnights because you've put the hard work in during teething etc. That's harsh to not allow overnights because you should reap the rewards. They're your children, it's your basic human job to do the hard work with them. You can't punish others for that.

BooksAndHooks · 22/02/2022 18:28

Some of my best memories are staying at grandparents house, even though it was down the road and we saw them all the time it’s completely different. I’d never begrudge either my parents or my children that experience. I look after my nieces and nephews all the time in the day, they still love coming for sleepovers.

Unless there are specific concerns I think it’s mean to stop a fun part of childhood.

Holly60 · 22/02/2022 18:28

Did you never stay over at your grandparents OP? I absolutely LOVED going to stay with my Granny and Grandad as a child. It was exciting to be in a different bed, we got different food at breakfast and I got to snuggle down with my beloved grandparents. It was a very safe and cosy feeling adventure. Also if you can imagine that you might one day want your possible future grandchildren to come and stay with you (or your DH can imagine that he might) you might want to instil that in them now, otherwise you risk that they might refuse to
let you do it when the time comes, as it won’t seem natural to them.

Darkstar4855 · 22/02/2022 18:29

What do the children want? They might really enjoy staying overnight with grandparents once a month or so. It’s good for them to learn a little bit of independence and have an adventure without you occasionally.

My son only has one grandparent and they’re a long way away so sadly we don’t have this option.

RedskyThisNight · 22/02/2022 18:29

Surely you'll spend more quality time with your DC during the day (when you're happy for them to spend time with their GP) than over night? I'm not sure I understand your argument.

DetailMouse · 22/02/2022 18:29

Some of my fondest childhood memories are time spent staying with GPs and my DC undoubtedly benefited hugely from the mini breaks they had with my parents.

If you don't see what GPs gain from having them while they're asleep, what are you losing?

Cas112 · 22/02/2022 18:30

My favourite thing to do as a child was stay at my nanas house, don't take that away from them