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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 22/02/2022 18:45

But your parents did the tough bits with their own child(ren).

My DC love sleepovers at Grandma's. 15 year old is there tonight in fact.

Happyhappyday · 22/02/2022 18:45

Also, it IS hard having small kids, it’s ok if they didn’t want to do more then, it seems like it’s cutting off your nose to spite your face now not to take help when it’s offered. DC is 3 and has been doing sleepovers every other Friday for about a year.

AuntieStella · 22/02/2022 18:45

I don’t think it’s extreme to think it will be a constant thing being badgered

You are worrying about something that has not happened yet. And might never happen.

But if it does, then you set the boundaries. Are you OK with them having a sleepover twice a month, one a month, how often? Then you share it out and people take their turn. You say 'They're already having a couple of sleepovers thus month, can we put something in the diary for next month?'

Mossstitch · 22/02/2022 18:46

I have fond memories of staying with my grandma (infact she was the only one that ever hugged me) but I think a lot of older people find the baby days when nappies need changing and a lot of bending and lifting too much physically. When the children are a bit older, able to take themselves to the toilet and climb into bed themselves, then it can be a mutually beneficial situation to all concerned.

FloBot7 · 22/02/2022 18:46

I used to love my sleepovers at my grandparents. It was an adventure but since I was asleep for most of it, not so scary being away from parents. I can't say for sure but I think it helped my independence being away from my parents for small periods of time. During my first school trip away from home half of the girls were horribly homesick. I remember them crying down the phone at their mums. I wasn't bothered as I was too busy having a good time. By the time I was 10, I was spending 3 or 4 weeks of the summer holidays with family in Ireland and loving it. I didn't know it at the time but it did my parents a huge favour getting help with childcare during holidays instead of using al lof their paid leave.

devildeepbluesea · 22/02/2022 18:46

I had the absolute best time having sleepovers with grandparents.

Assuming they’re not Fred West or similar, I can’t imagine depriving my kids of the experience.

OinkyO · 22/02/2022 18:47

It's completely up to you and your DH. You shouldn't be badgered or called selfish if you don't want to. Do think about your DC though and if they would benefit/enjoy it.

OwlNoises101 · 22/02/2022 18:47

Yabu.
They did "the tough part" already with their own kids. That is your job with yours.
Of course your children should be allowed to go and have fun times with loving grandparents.

Partyatnumberten · 22/02/2022 18:48

They don't deal with the tough part because they are grandparents. Grandparents, aunties, uncles etc get the fun parts. My kids have had sleepovers with family since they were small. They have a fantastic bond & wonderful memories. Even my independent teenager loves sleeping over at my mum's place. She spoils them rotten. Just as it should be

narcdad · 22/02/2022 18:48

Oh gawd, letting Nan & grandad having their grandkids overnight is hardly planing them off!
Sounds a bit dramatic by saying you want to reap the rewards - you have a lifetime to!

YABU and a bit precious

Original poster
Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:49

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush

OP posts:
Blueberryflavour · 22/02/2022 18:49

I can’t say about your situation but I have had my grandchildren overnight from an extremely young age, in fact they lived with us til my oldest grandchild was 6 months old. Most grandparents don’t, simply because the parents would rather look after their tinies themselves. You seem to say that you don’t want them to have the joy and privilege of having your children to stay cause they didn’t do it when they were younger. If you are reluctant now they are older would you really have agreed to them being away from you when they were really young?

runsmidgeOMG · 22/02/2022 18:52

My DD has been going to my mum a couple of times a month since she was 2 (not during covid) she lives 65miles away.
Sometimes she'll be there 2 maybe 3 nights based on my work pattern. She absolutely LOVES it and always comes back telling lovely stories of what they did. Mum reads to her and snuggles with her at bedtime (like I do) she even used to sleep in bed with her - we co slept for bloody ages !
I agree- try it once and if you or they didn't like it you don't have to again. Be careful though, in a proper emergency it will be a lot more stressful for the kids to have to go stay with someone else if they've never done it before.

UsernameAlwaysTaken · 22/02/2022 18:53

YABU.

When you say you've done all the hard bits... Of course you have. They are YOUR children. You chose to have them. Being a grandparent is enjoying the fun times. They've done their raising & "hard bits" (you / DH) & now get to do the fun & enjoyable moments.

It's an adventure for the kids who will be extra spoilt. Develops independence & helps stop things like seperation anxiety. It gives you a break & allows you to spend time alone with your DH. I cannot understand the issue at all aside from the attitude of "why should they have the fun?" Which is indeed selfish.

OinkyO · 22/02/2022 18:53

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
The last couple of years have been covid though and yeah maybe they hate the difficult years and love the easier years. Or they've had a change of heart.
snakewillow · 22/02/2022 18:54

My DC have stayed with my parents since they were a few weeks old, not often but every few months. When they were very little to give us a break but once they were older so they could spend time with grandparents. It isn't just the sleeping, it's the cuddles and film before bed, the special breakfast, etc and they still love staying there now they are in their teens.

I also stayed with my grandparents occasionally as a child and those memories of being read a bedtime story are precious, especially as they are no longer here.

RewildingAmbridge · 22/02/2022 18:54

Spending time with your children is about building a relationship not sharing the burden of childcare. It's irrelevant if they didn't 'help' with the document bits that's not their responsibility. They want to spend time with them now they are a little older, this will be good for their relationship, for your children's resilience and independence and your husband their father, also gets a say

Floralnomad · 22/02/2022 18:55

Mine never stayed overnight with anybody until they asked to do so themself . So in effect that meant that our eldest spent many nights sleeping at my mums and sisters and our younger one never stayed anywhere .

DickMabutt73962 · 22/02/2022 18:55

I absolutely LOVED spending the night at my grandparents. They spoiled us and it was such a treat. I have nothing but the best memories of my time with them as a child.

YABU.

HiJenny35 · 22/02/2022 18:55

YANBU, they couldn't be bothered when it was harder work and now want to because they consider it fun now they are able to cuddle and watch a film and sleep but you still have to do the work of making up a sleep over bag, dropping them off, collecting again the next day, get the kids back into a routine when they arrive home over tired, nope, if you don't want to don't. And yes if you say yes to one how can you say no to the other or your sister, so now every few weeks you are expected to put yourself out to appease others. If they want them during the day that won't effect your routine fine. Don't be pushed into what you don't feel comfortable with.

FloBot7 · 22/02/2022 18:56

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
Maybe they were thinking of your DC? DH and I babysat his niece very occasionally at her house so his sister and BIL could go out for the park evening. It's only now that she's 4 we've started offering sleepovers so they can get a full night to themselves. It would have been unsettling for her to stay at a different house earlier.
peboh · 22/02/2022 18:56

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
Honestly the baby years are hard. The teething, tantrums, minimal sleep. That isn't a grandparents job. The majority of parents don't feel comfortable having their children stay out during those years either. It makes sense that now your child is older, they'd be more interested in spending time with them. They can now read stories to them, laugh with them and the child will interact. These are the best years for sleepovers.
mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 18:56

@irregularegular

It's not just OP's choice though, despite what others say - doesn't her DH get a say? Different if there are genuine concerns about safety etc but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Op is the mother.
Flexitarian · 22/02/2022 18:56

So why not let them make up for lost time?

It all feels a bit…. transactional? What about what the children would enjoy? I loved staying over at my gran’s and my kids have enjoyed it too.

peboh · 22/02/2022 18:56

@mummykel16 but mother doesn't trump father surely. They both have equal say.