Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/02/2022 19:09

How old are the children now?

And what level of confidence do you have that the grandparents can provide good quality care?

We had very very little practical support with our children due to distance from our families. My MIL offered to babysit on special occasions, probably worked out at 1 or 2 times per year. We really appreciated the help of course, but it fostered a really close bond between her and the children which they all still treasure even now they are older teens.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:09

@HiJenny35 does her DH not het a say , they are both their children
And its been covid for 2 years and maybe the parents worked when kids were younger and have more free time , we really only have half a story here with a bit if a dripfees

Fedupsotired · 22/02/2022 19:09

So you can have loud sex?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 22/02/2022 19:10

Surely parents deal with the hard parts and gps get to enjoy the fun part. They did their parenting when they were parents.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 22/02/2022 19:10

My ds from the ago of 2 stayed at his gp every 6 weeks for a weekend he loves it there and me and dh get a bit of a reat ie long lie in date night ect they live about an hour away he has friends on their street now too and its made them closer also gave him independence from us

titchy · 22/02/2022 19:10

Well they DID put in years of hard work - with YOU! And being grandparents enjoying the nice bits of their grandchildren is part of the reward for that.

If they weren't going to be safe at their grandparents then obviously you shouldn't, equally if both you and dh are on the same page you shouldn't, but to say no because they haven't done the hard or boring bits seems rather churlish to me.

If you let them stay a night, you could build up to them staying for two nights and you and dh could have a weekend away Wink

Abraxan · 22/02/2022 19:10

@Satsuma2019

I just don’t understand how they can be so little involved during the tough parts and suddenly want to be so involved now that the children are more interesting that’s what I meant in my OP by reaping the rewards. Obviously it seems I’m being unreasonable but based on my parents, my in laws and siblings all offering to have DDs overnight I don’t think it’s extreme to think it will be a constant thing being badgered.
They are grandparents, not the parents of the children. They've done the difficult bits bring up their own children. Most grandparents get to do the good stuff this time round.

Of course they will relish the good parts far more than the difficult parts.

DoraTheScottishExplorer · 22/02/2022 19:10

I have so many awesome memories of sleepovers with my grandparents as a child. You might not gain anything from it but your kids will and so will the grandparents. It might sleep like they are just sleeping but it's more than that it's the excitement if the slightly different bedtime routine, for example my grandma always made me hot chocolate when I stayed over and it was something special I did with her.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:10

@mummykel16 and her dH is the father think you will find they both have parental rights
This site is so sexist its untrue

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/02/2022 19:10

Yes, but the mother should have the final say, obviously.

🙄

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 19:11

@AladdinPrincess999

Why wouldn't you use that time to go out on an evening with your DH? Have a lay in in the morning?

It was never up to your parents/in laws to do all the night feeds/hard parts etc they are YOUR children.

Isn't up to the parents now either.
T00Ts · 22/02/2022 19:11

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
Aren’t you excited that they’re so keen to have your kids and you can have a night out and a morning off with your husband @Satsuma2019? I’d bite their hands off. No one helped me with my kid’s teething and nights… because they don’t live with me and oddly enough, don’t turn up at 3am to help out. I don’t think that’s a good reason to be cross with them for asking to have them over night.

Also, disturbed nights aside, I always think kids are best first thing in the morning, when they’re in their pyjamas and well rested and cheerful. They might want that.

PinkPanther50 · 22/02/2022 19:11

I’m 50 and I still fondly remember my sleepovers at my grandparents. My kids (21&18) have fab memories of their sleepovers at both sets of grandparents.

FM2013 · 22/02/2022 19:11

I don't think you're unreasonable to say no if your uncomfortable with it but I am struggling to understand why you're uncomfortable with them sleeping over once in a while. I really enjoy a few glasses of red and an undisturbed film night with my dh. The extra hour in bed with a cup of tea in the morning feels like a luxury. Plus my kids love being with granny and grandad and have a lovely time with them.

rogueone · 22/02/2022 19:11

Initially I thought you were BU but on re reading it sounds like you were left to get on with it from everyone around including your DH and now your DC is easier GP are pushing for more contact than they did before and wanting sleep overs. Thats the difference...if they had been a consitent presence since baby was born it would be different. But it sounds like they were distant and have appeared out the woodwork now child is more fun. If they dont have a relationship with your DC they need to work on that and then if i was you I would be planning overnights when it suits you. Night away, weddings that kind of thing

FarFarFarAndAway · 22/02/2022 19:11

I don't quite get what you are saying. Of course babies and small toddlers are difficult for older people, and they may struggle sometimes with that age group. You wouldn't have let them go overnight then anyway!

Now they are a bit older and can talk and make their needs known and are easier, then grandparents may want to see them more because they feel more confident in their abilities with older kids. I'd not leave my 2 year old with my MIL as she has bad legs and can't run, but a 10 year old, yes, and she'd feel more confident that way.

I think this is called cutting off your nose to spite your face- you didn't have as much help as you thought you were due, so you are now punishing everyone (and yourself and your husband and your kids!) by not letting them have overnights now!

It is your call, though, and if there's any niggling reason why you don't want to do them, don't. I didn't allow overnights with friends til about age 9/10 which is much later than a lot of kids, I just didn't feel comfortable. I only really trusted my kids with a couple of family members.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 19:13

[quote worriedatthemoment]@mummykel16 and her dH is the father think you will find they both have parental rights
This site is so sexist its untrue [/quote]
Ok, dad says yay mom says nay, what next?

Dreamingof3 · 22/02/2022 19:13

You're not unreasonable for wanting to spend time with your kids 😂 but I also don't really see the issue with them staying at grandparents. Mine love a sleepover their gp. Eldest has just spent 4 days there by herself over half term and said it was the best ever

Donotgogentle · 22/02/2022 19:13

@AngelinaFibres

I am 1 of 3. We stayed with my grandparents every school holiday. They are some if the happiest memories of my childhood. My dad was totally career focused and my mum is not very demonstrative. My grandparents were absolutely wonderful. After lunch we used to sit on grandads knees (all 3 of us at the same time) and climb inside his giant old jumpers and we would say "Tell us a story grandad". He would tell us about his childhood, and starting work in the Derbyshire coal fields at 14. He had an allotment. It is because of what I learned from him that I have a beautiful garden. My grandma used to bake. She taught us all to make bread and cakes. My brothers and I shared the back bedroom until I was 8. I shall never forget summer nights ,when it was still light, laughing ourselves silly in our beds in that room. It takes many , many people to raise a fully rounded child Op. I have so many skills because of my wider family. I am about to be a granny. I cannot wait to have my grandchild to stay over when he is a little older. Embrace all the opportunities there are out there. Different people have different knowledge, skills, hobbies, interests. Let everyone share their love for your child.
What lovely memories.
MissMaple82 · 22/02/2022 19:13

Yeah I think you are being unreasonable. I was with you at first until you said you'd done the terrible twos, I can appreciate it with young babies but at over 2 one night is not going to be too gut wrenching. The lie in will be nice for you and it will be nice for grandparents to wake up to little one

Abraxan · 22/02/2022 19:13

Yes, but the mother should have the final say, obviously.

Why?
Mum and dad ought to be equal parents (ideally, obviously different in some situations) so neither has a greater say than the other.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:13

@godmum56 they have 2 parents not just one

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/02/2022 19:14

I loved my evenings over with my grandparents. It's a point of great regret with me that circumstances have dictated my own child won't have a similar experience.

Their response to your (for now, I assume) refusal is also not ideal. Snide digs and calling people selfish because they've said 'no' to something you want are really not the best way to gain people's cooperation. It's far more likely they will dig their heels in and cement their position. It seems this is what's happened here, perhaps understandably so.

This will have to be resolved with your DH first and foremost, and some form of compromise will need to be reached. If you're not comfortable with this now, then when? Never? If your position is as strong as this, then on what basis? As to the 'saying yes to everyone else', your child only has two sets of grandparents and you don't have to agree to a sleepover every other week. Trying to get some perspective on the situation now will benefit your children in the longer term.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:14

@mummykel16 why ? They have equal parental rights very sexist attitude

grapewine · 22/02/2022 19:15

Yes, but the mother should have the final say, obviously.

There is nothing obvious about it.