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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:35

@mummykel16 your comments are sexist and when you said over rule her, my example was if parents are split up and its dads contact time , he doesn't have to run things past the mum and vice versa
There is no over ruling its just parenting
If a man said women are not equal then it would be a sexist comment
And we still need something from a man to have a child we can't have them without it

Sassbott · 22/02/2022 21:36

And I’ll add, if this was a reverse and a woman came on here saying her DH was banning their children staying overnight with DGP, there would be an overriding chorus of LTB and controlling bastard/ coercive control. But having a vagina clearly means you’re not held to the same level of judgement. Hmm

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 21:38

@OshaOsha

*when men are actually equal Well in this situation, legally they are
This isn't a court
worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:40

@mummykel16 it may not be a court but it is a fact he has legal parental rights we don't need a court to determine that
You may hold older fashioned sexist views but legally he has as much right and thats just a fact

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:42

@Sassbott so true this site is filled with many women wanting equal rights etc but only when it suits and they don't think it applies both ways
There was a post earlier where people were more harsh when they thought the partner was a man but changed when they realises the partner was actually a woman

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 21:44

@OshaOsha

No it's not sexist .

Yes it is. He has just as much legal parental responsibility so if he wanted to take them to stay there overnight, he could do it without the OK from OP.

And what about if OP and the father ever broke up? When the child was with their father, he would have every right to take them for overnight stays and if wouldn't matter than OP was resentful about it.

If he wanted to take them there overnight he could do do it without ok from the op, I would call that over ruling her.

And that was said separate to " and what if they spit up"

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 21:46

[quote worriedatthemoment]@mummykel16 it may not be a court but it is a fact he has legal parental rights we don't need a court to determine that
You may hold older fashioned sexist views but legally he has as much right and thats just a fact [/quote]
Which if you could pluck yourself off your high horse for a second you would see I had already said.

I am giving my opinion not expressing any legalities on the issue.

Sassbott · 22/02/2022 21:47

@mummykel16 so is the OP currently overruling her DH by not allowing sleepovers?

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:49

@mummykel16 but your claiming hes not equal thats not just an opinion and also saying your nit sexist
Well in my opinion you very much are

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:49

@Sassbott ahh but thats allowed as she is the mum apparently !!

marble1 · 22/02/2022 21:50

I'm trying to say this politely OP, but you are coming across as nutty as a fruitcake.
I feel for your DH, and if I was in his shoes I would take myself and the children to my parents for a visit. Possibly a long one.
Just a heads up, as I'm assuming you don't have older children , that childhood goes very quickly, much faster than you can imagine, and it will be 10 years or less before your DC can decide who they want to spend their time with. If you keep carrying on the way you are, acting like they are your possessions (they are not they are real live individual people who you have temporary charge of ); one of those mums who cries " But I raised you , I deserve your love and attention" : then you may find that they decide to pop in and see the Grandparents and give controlling , overbearing mummy a wide berth. Something for you to think about.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 21:58

The OP is happy for the children to spend daytime hours with them.

She is not interested in sleepovers.

That is her choice.

Not every parent is anxious for a break from their children.

I think the having very little interest and contact and now suddenly wanting daily calls is ridiculous.

The OP's husband also hasn't been of much help, but now feels he can insist on sleepovers?

I don't think so.

And being called selfish for not doing what they want wouldn't encourage me to hand them over.

The OP has stated they were unavailable and disinterested in the children when small.

It is nice that they are now keen to be involved, however that does not mean they can demand daily calls and sleepovers.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2022 22:07

But it could be a lovely experience for the child, @billy1966 - and I think it is a shame that the child is being deprived of it.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 22:07

@billy1966 but none of that was mentioned much in the opening post only later when the vast majority were disagreeing

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 22:08

[quote Sassbott]@mummykel16 so is the OP currently overruling her DH by not allowing sleepovers?[/quote]
Of course she is

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 22:10

@billy1966

The OP is happy for the children to spend daytime hours with them.

She is not interested in sleepovers.

That is her choice.

Not every parent is anxious for a break from their children.

I think the having very little interest and contact and now suddenly wanting daily calls is ridiculous.

The OP's husband also hasn't been of much help, but now feels he can insist on sleepovers?

I don't think so.

And being called selfish for not doing what they want wouldn't encourage me to hand them over.

The OP has stated they were unavailable and disinterested in the children when small.

It is nice that they are now keen to be involved, however that does not mean they can demand daily calls and sleepovers.

Ha a stopped clock moment Grin
mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 22:11

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

But it could be a lovely experience for the child, *@billy1966* - and I think it is a shame that the child is being deprived of it.
Until they get bored and start ignoring them again
Ginger1982 · 22/02/2022 22:17

Nothing better than my DS going for a sleepover. A lovely long lie in the morning, a relaxed breakfast and the chance to do something I'd like to do, rather than running around the kitchen pretending to be a dragon...

Lulu1919 · 22/02/2022 22:18

I'm 54
I still remember staying at my grandparents...we had supper of warm milk and biscuits...something I never had at home ...I'd get a bedtimes story...stay up a bit later than normal...in the morning I'd get into their bed in the middle and they tell me stories about when they were little or sing me songs from the war....grandad used to show me things in his greenhouse and grandma would let me make jam tarts ...if I could just get one of those times back...wow I would !

I don't have grandchildren yet....both daughters married and both plan on having children and I just can't wait to give my grandchildren some memories too ...

DickMabutt73962 · 22/02/2022 22:19

@2022HereWeCome

I think OP is having a bit of a hard time. I'm obviously in a minority but frankly my DC needs would come before whether or not GPs think they should be entitled to a sleepover.

I get what OP is saying - there has been so little support from GP to date / when the DC were small that she probably does worry about what they would do / how they would cope/ would they respect parents boundaries. If you have had actively involved GPs from an early stage things tend to evolve naturally but going from no interest to we want a sleepover seems a bit much to me. Start small and let GP look after kids for a few hours during the day and build trust.

She says that they already do this and that they 'bend over backwards' to ensure that DC's time is equally split amongst relatives.

The backstory about severe lack of support only trickled in when most people were telling her she was BU. So she isn't bitter about it for the times when the sun is shining, it only eats at her under the light of the moon Hmm

joliefolle · 22/02/2022 22:19

"but none of that was mentioned much in the opening post only later when the vast majority were disagreeing"

It was mentioned later with an embarrassed face... maybe it was the first time the OP had articulated what the real issue was to herself for the first time, let alone anyone else.

Odd that people who seem to think the DC should sleep over at the GPs think the way forward is to call the OP childish, nutty, selfish etc.when she's shared that what is at the heart of this is essentially that she felt really unsupported by her DH and PIL who are now calling her selfish etc.

marble1 · 22/02/2022 22:38

@mummykel16

You appear to be from the US or South Africa . Does a stopped clock moment mean something different there? Or do you mean you have been watching @billy1966 constantly and this is the first or second time they have been right? I'm confused what your post meant.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 22/02/2022 22:44

As others have said it’s a lovely experience that your Dc will cherish the memories of, and also preps them for independence such as when they go for sleepovers with school pals.

Mariposista · 22/02/2022 22:53

I don't get your reasoning - allowing them to spend some quality time with their grandparents, learn to be more independent by sleeping elsewhere, giving you a child free night every once in a while...how is that stopping you from 'reaping the rewards?' they will still live with you 99% of the time!! Be grateful you have GP who want to be involved. Like other PP I have dear memories of my gran's house being an extension of my own.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 23:25

[quote marble1]@mummykel16

You appear to be from the US or South Africa . Does a stopped clock moment mean something different there? Or do you mean you have been watching @billy1966 constantly and this is the first or second time they have been right? I'm confused what your post meant.[/quote]
That would be correct.