AIBU- No overnight stays

[Satsuma2019]

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

Also, I think it really does help build independence gradually. From 6/7 years old both of my DCs have happily gone off on camps and school residentials without any issues

My parents had my eldest to sleep over at around 18 months when I was having her sister. It was really hard work for them and so they probably didn't have her again until they were 3 and 4. My girls are older now and my mum asks them directly if they want to sleep over, one normally does and the other doesn't as she doesn't like sleeping away from home much. My mum enjoys having them to sleep over now as she can do so much more than when they were little. She also likes to have them on her own during the day sometimes so she doesn't have to worry about us both parenting them.

YABU and cutting your nose off to spite your face I feel.

You seem to be not letting them stay over as as a result of them not helping as much as you feel you were entitled to.

My DC's adore sleepovers with their grandparents. Why would you want to stop them (if the DC want to, of course)?

Doesn't feel like you're taking your DC into consideration, just your bitterness which. Is rather evident through your post.

If they want to go, let them.

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved

were they perhaps working during the earlier years, and now retired, or working part time?

You do sound a bit bitter, and there may well be good reasons for that, especially if your DH was not someone you could lean on for help. I'm sorry if that is the case. Please don't use your children as weapons, OP; the better relationships they have with extended family the richer their lives will be. You may also really enjoy a break, once you get one. Just think about it.

Yea YABU they don't do the "hard parts" because that's not their job. Parent know their babies routine, how to soothe etc.. but when they get to the toddler years onwards it's nice for them to have time overnight with grandparents and you get a night off !

Of course you had to do the hard part. You're their mum /parent.
Yabvvu.

Think ahead a few years. You get an invite For a child free wedding or a night away /you and dh want a night away.

Your kids stay out at GPs and they've never done it. They're excited, nervous or whatever. You won't relax nor will they. And risk of.. I'm scared.. I want mummy because mummy and daddy is all I've ever known. (mummy and daddy have their plans ruined)

Christ Almighty. The bitterness of having to look after your own children when they are really small is unreal. So now that they are at an age where the grandparents can actually manage them with ease and you are sawing the nose off your face to spite them! Ridiculous behaviour.

I never got to have sleepovers as my grandparents were frail. I really really struggled with home sickness on pack holiday and school residentials.

Your children OP, your call. Do what you feel would be right for you and children

@mummykel16

Your child your choice, and you don't need to explain why either

This. Children are not toys that you have to share.

What do the kids want , mine loved a sleepover at nan and grandads , also what if you do need them to go overnight sometime it would be good if they have done this already as long as parents are trustworthy , which I assume they are as your happy to leave them with them in the day
Maybe your dh wants a childfree night out ?

My parents were too tired to have them when they were teeny. I don't begrudge them staying over one bit now they are older. OP you don't sound like a very nice person. I would hate to be as bitter as you. Perhaps you didn't have loving grandparents ? If that's the case maybe I'm being a bit harsh because you don't appreciate how wonderful a sleepover at the grandparents can be.

[quote peboh]@mummykel16 but mother doesn't trump father surely. They both have equal say. [/quote]
Yes, but the mother should have the final say, obviously.

Assuming that the GP are physically and mentally capable of taking care of your DC YABY. The grandchild/grandparent bond is very important. Children who have a close relationship with them are very lucky. It lasts even after the grandparents die as (IME) it's an extra bond with cousins who also loved the GP. So yes, you are being selfish in denying your children the chance to have special times (and overnights are more special and exciting than day visits) with their GP.

I have so many fond memories of sleep overs with my grandparents. Getting up in pjs and having breakfast. Granny would bring us a small morning mug of milk (tea as we got older) with a malted milk biscuit. It’s those small things that make memories. Unless you felt your dc were unsafe I’m unclear why you want to stop your dc having that with their grandparent.

I am 1 of 3. We stayed with my grandparents every school holiday. They are some if the happiest memories of my childhood. My dad was totally career focused and my mum is not very demonstrative. My grandparents were absolutely wonderful. After lunch we used to sit on grandads knees (all 3 of us at the same time) and climb inside his giant old jumpers and we would say "Tell us a story grandad". He would tell us about his childhood, and starting work in the Derbyshire coal fields at 14. He had an allotment. It is because of what I learned from him that I have a beautiful garden. My grandma used to bake. She taught us all to make bread and cakes. My brothers and I shared the back bedroom until I was 8. I shall never forget summer nights ,when it was still light, laughing ourselves silly in our beds in that room. It takes many , many people to raise a fully rounded child Op. I have so many skills because of my wider family. I am about to be a granny. I cannot wait to have my grandchild to stay over when he is a little older. Embrace all the opportunities there are out there. Different people have different knowledge, skills, hobbies, interests. Let everyone share their love for your child.

What a mystifying dilemma. They'll be demanding to stay over soon enough. I'm afraid I'm with your MIL.

My dc are now teens. One has SN. I would have jumped at the chance of respite and the dc would have benefited too. Sadly because of DD1 ASD needs, it never happened.

SN dc never gets invited to sleepovers, and neither dc stay the night with their dad.

I would love a night to myself it would be like a birthday present.

Would you not like a night or two on your own with dh, if it was something you could afford you could go on a mini break. Or do something like a decorating or diy job you have been putting off.

There will come a time when your parents and in laws are not able to offer. I think it is important to build on their relationship now while you can.

I have happy childhood memories of staying with both sets of grandparents.
I was about three the first time I stayed at my gp alone.

Yabu simply because this is a nice problem to have!

The hard parts are for you to do as their your kids and they have more personalities now so its more fun, plus as your so against it now maybe they thought there was no chance when younger , did you BF etc all things that might if been more challenging
I always thought the best thing about being grandparents is you get to enjoy al the fun part of kids without as much as the hard stuff as youve been there , done that

@Satsuma2019

I just don’t understand how they can be so little involved during the tough parts and suddenly want to be so involved now that the children are more interesting that’s what I meant in my OP by reaping the rewards. Obviously it seems I’m being unreasonable but based on my parents, my in laws and siblings all offering to have DDs overnight I don’t think it’s extreme to think it will be a constant thing being badgered.

So you would have been happy for sleepovers when they were little babies but because they didn’t offer you are punishing them now?!

Why wouldn't you use that time to go out on an evening with your DH? Have a lay in in the morning?

It was never up to your parents/in laws to do all the night feeds/hard parts etc they are YOUR children.

Agree that you do sound bitter, and maybe you have good reasons for that if you really had to struggle through all the under-threes slog without help from DH or his parents. And if I were someone who wanted access to my grandchildren I'd be very careful not to call their mother 'selfish' so it does sound like they're a bit of a pain in the bum.

I think if I were you I'd have an honest think about where my own resentments/anger come from and if necessary think about how to address that first. If you can resolve that (maybe by them acknowledging they were a bit shit) you might be happier about the overnights?

I don't believe parents/mothers just have to suck up all the hard shit. Loving extended family members can help if they have the capacity to do it. If they choose not to, then they can't complain that they don't have a close relationship with the kids later on. (Illness/disability and other genuine reasons aside of course.) Close relationships with babies and children don't happen by accident - they come about through contact and taking responsibility, including for the 2am screaming fits, nasty nappies and tiredness tantrums. I don't think you necessarily just get to sail in for the nice bits five years later, especially if you make a habit of being rude to their mum.

I think overall YABU.

When the children were under 2, they were too young for them to be comfortable staying the night with GPs...so your rationale of revenge on them for not doing overnights when the children were under 2 comes across as petty and obtuse.

In addition, just because you say yes to GPs doesn’t mean you now have to say yes it everyone else. That is a ridiculous reason as well. And not a reason to say no.

Finally, your DH is their parent too and has an equal say in this. You need to reach an agreement where it’s not overnights never ever vs whatever he wants. Find a spot in the middle where it’s one overnight per school holiday or whatever.

DD slept at grandmas on a regular basis from 10 weeks. DH and I could go out without worrying about having to be home for sitters. DD hadhas a fantastic bond with them. Grandmas do lots of stuff such as baking, letting them dress up/ put on makeup, stay up late. I used to love sleeping at grandmas because there was a colour tv and I was allowed milk coffee and Jaffa cakes for breakfast! I think your being a bit unreasonable as your child will love it, unless of course there are other reasons why you’re saying no.