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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:

CustardySergeant · 22/02/2022 02:06

What do you mean in your first sentence that your daughter said she wanted this evening?

Hm2020 · 22/02/2022 02:09

You woke your 13 year old up shouted at her about using the hot water then told her to take a shower to show how cold it was. If I’ve got this right and I hope not you are being very unreasonable

Justilou1 · 22/02/2022 02:13

Much empathy… I feel like I am sliding out the other side of that particularly entitled time in teenagerdom. (I have 15y/o B/G twins and a 17y/o DD who has also recently been diagnosed with ASD, so we have to keep going over this kind of thing as well.) They have all started working part time in the last few months and this has made a HUGE difference to their entitlement levels. This is due to a) starting to recognize the value of money because they now have to pay for some of their own shit, b) Being on the receiving end of entitled, rude behaviour and c) relying on me to drive them to said jobs. Our relationships have all improved dramatically as a result. (Plus they are all more mature, and maybe my expectations have changed too.)
It’s partly normal at this age, but imposing boundaries and consequences IS good parenting @GeekyGirl42. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Real life works that way.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 02:15

@Hm2020

You woke your 13 year old up shouted at her about using the hot water then told her to take a shower to show how cold it was. If I’ve got this right and I hope not you are being very unreasonable

Not quite.... She woke up when I went 😱 and then she came barging in to the bathroom to say "how dare you wake me up?"

When I explained she needs to tell me that she's used all the hot water, and she responded by throwing bottles of shower gel around because "It's not her fault the shower is cold", I flipped and told her to take a shower in it or loose phone for 24 hours.

OP posts:

Pinkchicken85 · 22/02/2022 02:15

Just put the hot water on before you want an evening shower OP.
I’m not sure what you mean... when did your dd go to take her next shower? In the morning or straight after yours? Did you deliberately leave the hot water off all night so she’d have a cold shower in the morning? If so that feels a bit petty.
Have scheduled times when she can shower OP.

miraveile · 22/02/2022 02:16

She means her daughter said, work late this evening not another one this week.

Did you just let out one squeal, or start ranting and raving? Would one squeal really wake her up and cause this reaction?

Kids don't always think ahead. I would have brushed it off and made sure in future that she knows to put water back on if she takes a long shower. And check that's she's done it. Or just always stick it back on for a short time in the evenings when you work late?

It's not worth getting mad about!

I wonder how this story goes from her side....she made a mistake, is all.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 02:17

@CustardySergeant

What do you mean in your first sentence that your daughter said she wanted this evening?

We had spoken earlier that day about how I need to work late one evening and she could pick, and she picked this evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 02:19

@miraveile

She means her daughter said, work late this evening not another one this week.

Did you just let out one squeal, or start ranting and raving? Would one squeal really wake her up and cause this reaction?

It's not worth getting mad about!

I wonder how this story goes from her side....she made a mistake, is all.

I don't think she was actually asleep... One squeal no ranting and raving.

I have said SO MANY TIMES that all she needs to do is say "mum, I had a long shower, you should put the hot water on if you want one later"

OP posts:

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 02:22

@Pinkchicken85

Just put the hot water on before you want an evening shower OP. I’m not sure what you mean... when did your dd go to take her next shower? In the morning or straight after yours? Did you deliberately leave the hot water off all night so she’d have a cold shower in the morning? If so that feels a bit petty. Have scheduled times when she can shower OP.

So the hot water runs continuously from 5-7.30pm and the tank is large enough and well lagged for 4 adults to shower the following morning. I'd really prefer not to run it again unless I really have to as is expensive enough.

OP posts:

Quackpot · 22/02/2022 02:25

You woke her up, no wonder she was cranky. She's a new teen full of raging hormones. You should have apologised. What's your excuse?

Cold shower won't kill you.

Happyhappyday · 22/02/2022 02:29

YABVU to tell her she had to shower in it or get a punishment!! Literally cannot imagine my parents doing that to me. If I used all the hot water we’d talk about it like civilized people the next day and if I kept doing it, they would just put the water on!

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 02:30

Really? It's OK to stand for 30 minutes under a steaming hot shower until it runs cold, and leave it cold for the next person, and do that repeatedly after being told so many times (I have lost count how often I have had that conversation) this is not ok?

And after 16 hours work, needing a quick wind down before bed, a cold shower is really quite unpleasant.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 02:32

Also it's a case of waiting 30 mins for more hot water when you really need to go to bed.

OP posts:

Quackpot · 22/02/2022 02:34

If it's so frequent you should know to put it on hold an hour before you finish. Or shower before her.

Quackpot · 22/02/2022 02:35

Half not hold

Monty27 · 22/02/2022 02:50

What heating system do you have OP? I'm confused.

SpidersAreShitheads · 22/02/2022 02:55

Alternative perspective:

"Mum was working tonight so I spent evening doing my own thing, had a shower and went to bed. Just as I was dozing off, Mum screamed in the shower and it nearly gave me a heart attack! I woke up in a right panic and wondered what the hell was going on, until I realised that Mum was having one of her tempers again about the shower. She’s always having showers late and banging around in the bathroom when I’m trying to sleep. When I’ve got school the next day, it’s really disruptive.

I was a bit grumpy but when I went in the bathroom she moaned at me again about not telling her to put the hot water back on. But I really don’t think I took a long shower, so I’m not really sure when the hot water needs to go back on or not? It didn’t feel like a long shower to me, and mum is always saying there’s enough hot water for four people to shower so I don’t really know why the shower went cold so quickly for her.

I tried to argue my point but mum was really annoyed, and in the end she said that because I answered her back, I either had to have a freezing cold shower now or lose my phone for a day. Obviously I chose the shower. However, it was so cold I couldn’t stand it and had to get back out again. It seemed like a really mean punishment and way OTT. Who makes their child stand in a freezing cold shower as a punishment anyway?

Mum was very patronising at this point and then told me that I couldn’t have a shower in my own home tomorrow! Apparently I now have to shower at the gym! How is that even fair - it’s my home too?!

I’ve had enough of her moaning and her moods so I told her that I want to live with dad. I thought that might make her realise how unhappy all of this is making me, but in typical mum style, all that did was prompt a text making it all about her, as per usual. She won’t talk to me about how I’m feeling or why I want to live with dad, and instead is just docking me half my pocket money.

I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did but she is literally punishing me for expressing my feelings. Apparently telling her that I’m unhappy living with her “has consequences”.

I’m so fed up and she won’t even take me seriously. I’m going to talk to dad as soon as I can. "

You knew she'd had a shower. You say she keeps using all the hot water - but chose not to put it back on for a blast to make sure there was enough for you. That's on you.

She was moody but you handled it badly, and now you're docking her pocket money because she said she wants to live with her dad. Childish and spiteful. You're not coming out of this well at all.

She's only 13. Unless you learn how to communicate better, these are going to be long and painful teen years for you both.

malificent7 · 22/02/2022 03:00

Am I ithe only one who thinks that throwing shower gel bottles around is an unacceptable response from a 13 year old?!

Monty27 · 22/02/2022 03:02

^^ this
Crikey tantamount to abuse.
Nice one @SpidersAreShitheads 👍🏼

thingymaboob · 22/02/2022 03:04

Any chance she could be suffering with PMT? Difficult to manage at best of times but at 13, even worse. Do you think she was bored / lonely tonight?

I do think you're making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Also, don't most people run the shower and wait for it to go warm / hot before getting in?

Nelliephant1 · 22/02/2022 03:07

You're being completely unreasonable and although her reaction wasn't great, it may be that she's learning it from you because your dramatics were definitely uncalled for. How loud a scream must you have let out to wake her and obviously scare the life out of her!

You've caused this huge upset all because of a shower. She's 13 not 33, what a drama over nothing. The whole post is about how hard done by you are and what a horrible person she is. Poor kid.

violet232 · 22/02/2022 03:10

YANBU OP, and I’m baffled why you’re having such a hard time on here. At 13, it’s absolutely not acceptable to be throwing that kind of tantrum at all. You pay the water bills, you’re the parent, I don’t see what’s so bloody hard to understand that you deserve a hot shower as much as her or the next person. Asking her to be mindful isn’t the end of the world like many posters are already. Good on you for standing your ground!

curlii103 · 22/02/2022 03:14

Its unreasomable to go in the shower at midnight! Why did she get up and try and take another shower? Sounds like everyone is tired and should ve sleeping not showering!

Monty27 · 22/02/2022 03:19

OP what is actually going on in your life that you think it's okay to do this? It's a really well meant question.
I went through a tricky divorce when my DC's were young. I found myself being short tempered at times through exhaustion.
It was a long long time ago. (20 years). I look back sometimes and cringe. But it was more about homework and breakfast and time deadlines and getting to school on time.
Not about me having to wait for the water to reheat after their baths or shower. (Which I'd end up having in the morning)
I got an electric shower installed. Problem solved.

kateg27 · 22/02/2022 03:20

WTAF! Making a child take a cold shower? That's bordering abuse OP. You sound ridiculous. Put the hot water on again abs shower in the morning, not a big deal.
Also squealing, loud enough to wake a teen? Glad I don't live next door to you. Who even gets in the shower without checking the temperature first? What if it had been scolding. You sound ridiculous.
Your daughter shouldn't have reacted the way she did but it's YOU who had the bigger tantrum.
Also poor kid, her mother worked 16 hours, until midnight, so she's had none of your time at all today?
I actually feel really sorry for your daughter here.

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