AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

[GeekyGirl42]

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

@GeekyGirl42 On these boards you are going to find people who completely ignore your explanation and/or infantilise teenagers to push their “You are a hideous, abusive mother.” Ignore. Sounds like you two sat down together and she expressed her feelings about what’s going on in her world. She wouldn’t be doing that if she didn’t feel safe. I’m sorry you’re encountering all this hysteria… You sound like a great mum, who cares about her kid’s emotional well-being and values her input despite the very heavy load you’re carrying. I think she’s old enough to know you’ve got a lot on your plate too - I doubt you even need to spell it out for her.

@Tilltheend99

Your 13 year olds normal teenage tantrum sounds trying but instead of teaching her that shouting, throwing things, and using all the hot water is wrong you did something really abusive.

It is abusive to force a child to take a cold shower. (Like something out of a prison movie ) And you ‘flipped’ too. How can she learn from your example?!

UABU

She didn’t take the cold shower though. She tested the water and admitted it was cold.

Yes, so the reason I say "flipped" is that normally I would warn that being this rude looses phone, but was tired and freezing so I said "or take another shower if you are so sure you didn't run it cold". And to be clear, she had at this point shouted, thrown stuff (I now know more about why) and so a consequence really was appropriate.

Surely I'm not the only person that can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven't threatened an absolutely rediculous consequence, and then ended up hoping you don't have to carry it out?

@Bringonsummer19 she didn’t MAKE her take a cold shower, she gave her the option to try it seeings though the daughter thought the temperature was fine. The daughter didn’t take the shower as she realised it was bloody Baltic!

Thanks for the supportive messages, especially @Arabellla and @Justilou1

Hormones are running wild at that age.
Also, you may have those types of boilers that as soon as you use hot water it fills it with cold water, so it may not be that she's using too much. If you're working in the house, cant you hear her taking a shower? And if she's consistently taking a shower in the evenings then maybe run the hot water at a later time instead of in the day?

@Justilou1 she doesn't sound like a great mum at all.
She sounds extremely selfish. Whether she's got a lot going on or not. That shouldn't be put on a 13 year old child. Her job as a mother is to protect her from that.
The OP keeps changing her story also, so we don't know what truly happens.
I've got 3 teens in my house. If I go to have a shower and there's no hot water, I just think to myself, ffs and go put the water on again. I then either wait half an hour or have one in the morning.
Also who gets in the shower without checking the temperature 🤷‍♀️

The way you have written your op gives the impression that she is in the shower telling you ‘she can’t do it.’ I have read through the comments and several others have clearly gotten the same impression. Maybe ask your thread to be edited or taken now to start again as what you’ve written sounded really bad and responses will continue.

*down

Shower over bath - she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it.

who doesn't check the water before getting in... 😑

it all seems very dramatic, her reaction is ott but your also a bit strange.

Hi op I think you reacted as you did because you were tired after a very long shift. Stood in a lovely warm shower which then turns freezing cold within the first minute. You then reacted to teenagers raging which turns out to be triggered by something completely unrelated.

I suggest this morning you apologise for being cranky whilst still explaining that the throwing the bottles and rudeness is absolutely not acceptable.

Is there any way the time with her dad can be amended so it doesn’t impact on her holidays with her friends?

Today is another day.

Previous poster who mentioned about it being warm to start is right. How would your daughter know it had ran cold if it was warm when you got in?

It also sounds like a problem with your boiler. It doesn't matter 'what she is doing in there' if it runs out after that length of time then that's your issue.

I think perhaps you are underestimating your reaction and her response to that. Bearing in mind her hormones and the fact she was woken up from sleep.
Telling her to get in the shower or lose her phone is abusive. You know how much phones mean to teenagers these days. Middle of the night and she's been made to undress (surely if she got into end of bath) and attempt the shower. She surely only tried this because it was warm when she finished and tried to prove this.

Take a look into your boiler OP. Or organise showers better and have you both showering at different times (one evening or one morning) or alternating nights. Pop the water on for the 30 minutes before you shower if it's going to be that late

I think you know the forcing her to have a cold shower is wrong (which is why you’ve now gone back on what you’ve said pretty much)

She’s a teenager, she shouldn’t have been throwing things or being rude but she’s been woken up, told off, forced to take a cold shower - it’s a bit extreme.

I really don’t think it’s difficult to check the hot water as an adult if you’re thinking of having a shower that evening, it doesn’t really seem like a 13 year olds responsibility.

So to clarify you told your daughter you were working. She took a shower and used all hot water. You got in the shower it was cold. She shouted and threw things. You forced her to take a freezing shower and then said tomorrow she's not allowed to shower.

I wouldn't expect a 13 year old to know she's used most of hot water or to know you were planning on showering and that it might be cold. Yes she reacted like a child, because she is a child. Forcing her to take a cold shower at midnight when she should be asleep is cruel. It sounds like you over reacted and things got out of hand. I would apologise today. And maybe try to remember to put hot water on before I want to shower.

YABVU making a child take a cold shower is in my opinion borderline abusive.

YABU

You say she does this a lot. Yet you didn't think to put the water on earlier yourself in anticipation. And didn't think to warn her / check on her te the timing of her shower.

It's on you, not her. She's barely a teen.

Your punishment for her to have a cold shower was cruel and unkind. My parents would never have done that in a million years. You need to calm down and apologise and remember you're the adult in the in house

who doesn't check the water before getting in

Exactly

Yanbu. Personally I think the choice of cold shower or phone confiscation is pretty reasonable. Child has to learn that hot water costs money so can’t be on all the time. At least she gets to have the shower/bath she wants and only has to let parent know that she has had it (rather than rationed). Also, sometimes you have to be up late (due to work or being woken) and get up the next morning. And to control her anger. I don’t have teens so dunno how this is going to play out - may end up as counter productive as she seems mad at the holiday arrangements. But I don’t think it is abusive - losing a phone for a day?!

I think you are letting your anxiety about paying for heating the water get the better of you.

This is not your child's problem. Your response to her forgetfulness is disproportionate.

Plan ahead and boost the hot water yourself when you know your DD is going to take a night time shower.

Or if you really want to save money while winding down, retrain yourself to do a meditation exercise at night, and you can take a shower in the morning.

Your DD might be suffering from PMS or the horrors of early teen social life.

Depriving her of her phone is the nuclear option for a child this age, and I would avoid it if I were you. Also, if you want to live a life free of scenes of shampoo being thrown around a bathroom, don't 'flip' about things that annoy you.

Model better problem analysis and better problem solving. The cost of heating water isn't your daughter's fault.

@GreenWheat

Jeez, some of the comments on here, It is absolutely not acceptable for your DD to be so selfish with the hot water, nor is it acceptable for her to be throwing bottles around the shower. No wonder some teenagers behave so appallingly with some of the attitudes on here.

Nobody thinks it’s acceptable. But a 13 year old behaving badly doesn’t justify her parent also behaving badly. That’s not the right way to go about it, otherwise it becomes ‘I can shout louder than you! I’m bigger than you!’

You’re supposed to be better at it than them, and if you can’t control your anger as an adult and justify it by complaining that you’ve worked 16 hours and are tired then it’s not too surprising that your young teen feels she can justify her temper outbursts by saying she’s tired and never sees her dad and is stressed. If her mother’s reaction to stress or inconvenience is to squeal and scream followed by cold showers and phone removal and removal of pocket money and barring from showering at home the next day then it isn’t shocking that the teen also reacts disproportionately.

So, a normal chat the next day and explanation of how inconvenient it is to use all the hot water, along with a possible consequence for rudeness at that point? Appropriate and normal. Squealing and imposing four different consequences at midnight on a child for using too much hot water? Over the top and absolutely unsurprisingly caused a big bust up.

I have to admit that I don't understand what the setup is in the UK. I don't understand what you mean by top it up. Don't you have electric hot water service in the UK? It's automatic and there is no 'topping up', it tops itself up, like a self-heating urn.

So the hot water runs continuously from 5-7.30pm

I don't understand this. What sort of setup is there when you only have electricity for 2.5 hours? Doesn't the electricity run 24/7/365 (except power outages)? Do you individually turn off the entire hot water service for 21.5 hours every day?

I have a 13 year old. She doesn’t clock watch or look at the time. She takes long showers and would have no idea of how long she takes in there. Rather like your dd. Young teens are not known for being the most considerate nor good at planning ahead and seeing the pitfalls. You cannot expect a young teen to act like an adult.

If you want your dd to act with more consideration, as the parent, you are going to need to create a fool-proof strategy, repeat, repeat, repeat and expect she fails a few times. My dd has finally learned to pull the key out of the door after she’s locked it behind her. She was regularly locking dh outside despite me telling her, reminding her and so forth. It just doesn’t compute. It’s not personal. Their brains are just elsewhere and they’ve lost empathy. It’s a developmental stage.

So what strategies? You systematically take a shower first? Your dd flicks on the heating if she takes a shower first? She uses a timer? (Expect the latter to be forgotten several times.) Seeing as you were at home and knew she might take water, was it really not possible to check in with her?

As for why your dd reacted so fiercely, you squealed then had a go at her for being inconsiderate and she flipped. My dd would have flipped too. She doesn’t throw things but I’d have got it full barrels. But threatening phone removal or a cold shower then upping the anti by removing pocket money was punitive.

Teens define themselves by their friends and not seeing them will be incredibly difficult. Did you not realise this was the case? She needs plenty of love and care, strategies to do what is expected of her rather than setting her up for failure and berating her for doing so. She doesn’t see her dad much either, which as you know is pretty destabilising.

In essence, as the adult, I think you should apologise, retract all punishments and talk about what isn’t working. If you’re anything like me, what I’m saying sounds so totally unfair. I got so many shitty punishments and crap from my parents. Now am getting shit from my dd. Ergo at both ends and I’m the sandwich in the middle of the shit from both sides.

But I didn’t have a close relationship with my mother. I’m sure you want your dd to talk to you and confide in you. Being the non-judgmental one, not berating her for her rather minor mistakes (using all the hot water is a minor infraction) and keeping it together really is the way forward. I’m still regularly having to remind my dd to wash her hands because she walks through the door only to head straight for food and we’ve been talking about doing that one since she was mobile.

I would talk about this now. And the next time you’re working late, talk about it again and ask how both you and your dd how can handle it better.

@Quackpot

You woke her up, no wonder she was cranky. She's a new teen full of raging hormones. You should have apologised. What's your excuse?

Cold shower won't kill you.

Are you having a laugh?