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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
Otherpeoplesteens · 22/02/2022 14:48

Our tank is 400 litres. To raise that amount of water by 30 degrees (very roughly the difference between the temperature at which it comes in from the mains and the thermostat setting in the shower - I realise in reality the water is heated more than this and then mixed down with cold but it's a reasonable assumption) would take 14 kWh of energy.

That's double the energy that our entire household of four uses in electricity in a day in the winter, or more than 20% of what we use in gas daily in the middle of winter to provide all our hot water and centrally heat a four bedroom detached house.

Leave aside that OP was left with no hot water. If anyone in this day and age thinks it is appropriate to consume that much resource - energy and water - in one single shower then I fear for the future of humanity. I'm not going to comment on whether OP's response was right or not, but 13 this girl really needs a serious lesson in personal responsibility.

LIZS · 22/02/2022 14:49

I find this bizarre. Surely on waking her you would apologise and usher her back to bed. Not create drama and anger in the middle of the night. Annoying there was no hot water but it must have been evident she took a long shower and you either just reheat or wait until morning when it was cold. You owe her an apology,

diddl · 22/02/2022 15:38

@WonderfulYou

The water was fine for 30 seconds and then turned freezing.

So how would DD know she used all of the hot water then?

So she got the blame for something she had no idea she’d done and OP wondered why she acted so emotionally.

Because she knows that she's had a long shower I would have thought.
RedRobyn2021 · 22/02/2022 15:53

YANBU

What a pain

Classic 13yo not thinking

Hope you're ok OP

jobdilemma22 · 22/02/2022 16:39

@Otherpeoplesteens

Our tank is 400 litres. To raise that amount of water by 30 degrees (very roughly the difference between the temperature at which it comes in from the mains and the thermostat setting in the shower - I realise in reality the water is heated more than this and then mixed down with cold but it's a reasonable assumption) would take 14 kWh of energy.

That's double the energy that our entire household of four uses in electricity in a day in the winter, or more than 20% of what we use in gas daily in the middle of winter to provide all our hot water and centrally heat a four bedroom detached house.

Leave aside that OP was left with no hot water. If anyone in this day and age thinks it is appropriate to consume that much resource - energy and water - in one single shower then I fear for the future of humanity. I'm not going to comment on whether OP's response was right or not, but 13 this girl really needs a serious lesson in personal responsibility.

👏🏻👏🏻
Feedingthebirds1 · 22/02/2022 16:54

I love all theses PPs, most if not all of them parents themselves, who have clearly never, ever done or said anything to their DCs on the spur of the moment that they regretted later and would have done differently in other circumstances, who are at all times calm and reasonable with their DCs and make exactly the correct response, who are never tired and fed up and who always assume that everything is the OP's fault and nothing to do with the DC. Whether that's on this thread or others.

Justilou1 · 22/02/2022 17:07

What this thread proves is that there are a lot of dickheads out there who are either unable to follow a thread from start to finish, or because they have already formed their opinion, unwilling to. Some people out there also seem to have serious issues with comprehension, and I suspect some are wanna be Murdoch Press employees with their ability to manipulate the story to suit their own agenda.

MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 17:30

LOLing at these responses.

When you resort to name-calling it shows you can't back up your argument. And seriously, saying posters want to work for the tabloid press? Hmm People have read OP's comments and don't agree with what she did. Get over it.

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2022 17:38

@Feedingthebirds1

I love all theses PPs, most if not all of them parents themselves, who have clearly never, ever done or said anything to their DCs on the spur of the moment that they regretted later and would have done differently in other circumstances, who are at all times calm and reasonable with their DCs and make exactly the correct response, who are never tired and fed up and who always assume that everything is the OP's fault and nothing to do with the DC. Whether that's on this thread or others.
I have certainly responded to stuff in ways that I haven't been proud of. Said things that I have regretted etc. In those cases, I always acknowledge that I was in the wrong and apologise though. I don't see that the OP has done this?
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 22/02/2022 17:45

You both need help with communicating.

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 17:57

If anyone in this day and age thinks it is appropriate to consume that much resource - energy and water - in one single shower then I fear for the future of humanity. I'm not going to comment on whether OP's response was right or not, but 13 this girl really needs a serious lesson in personal responsibility.

So on top of being the only person in the house responsible for making sure her mother has hot water for a midnight shower, being responsible not to be annoyed at being woken and had a go at in the middle of the night, now this 13 year old child needs to be responsible for saving the planet?

TheOrigRights · 22/02/2022 18:27

Haven't RTFT (not all of it anyway), but we have a similar broken water heating system and it's also just me and my (nearly) 13 yo old at home.

I am teaching my son how to run a household; to prepare meals, laundry, cleaning etc and also to be aware of the people (me!) in the household who share the same space. Things like replacing the loo roll, leaving the bathroom ready for the next person to use, writing down on the shopping list if he's used the last of something.

I'm not sure he's quite at the stage of automatically thinking to tell me he's used all the hot water, not through being selfish, just being 12, not understanding how the hot water and heating system works.

If I was going out and knew I'd want a hot bath when I got back (e.g. after a cross country race), I would tell him and if he then used all the water I would be cross. And yes, depending on his mood he might over-react ie some other issue going on and me grumbling tips him over. It's tricky being a single parent to a teenager.

OP I think you need to both sit down when you're both calm and discuss expectations.

UnCivil · 22/02/2022 18:53

@Gowithme

I just want to know why anyone would get in a shower without checking the temperature with their hand first?
I just want to know why posters don’t read the Op before commenting…I’m not expecting the miracle of reading all the Op’s updates but at least read the original message

“ I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold”

After 30 seconds it went freezing cold ….

BuddhaForMary · 22/02/2022 18:59

After 30 seconds it went freezing cold ….

So how would her DD have known it would be cold for OP if it was still hot when she finished? Or is she supposed to think like an adult at 13?

wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 22/02/2022 22:19

Don't get me wrong, 13 year old girls can be selfish, annoying knobs.... I have one so I am well aware Wink

Whilst I agree that throwing shower gel bottles and shouting is not an appropriate response from her neither is making her get in a freezing cold shower an appropriate response from you. I get it, we all lose our shit sometimes but you need to try to model the right responses to her. They may look pretty grown up and think they are but their brains are still developing and they have a shitload of hormones flying around to boot.

At least you could have a hot shower the next morning... thanks to Storm Eunice we've been days without water. It's been kettle boiled for strip washes for days which is not fun especially with 13 year old and 23 year old DDs.

itsgettingweird · 23/02/2022 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Otherpeoplesteens · 23/02/2022 11:16

So on top of being the only person in the house responsible for making sure her mother has hot water for a midnight shower, being responsible not to be annoyed at being woken and had a go at in the middle of the night, now this 13 year old child needs to be responsible for saving the planet?

Nearly every 13 year old I know wants to know what they can do for the environment, and they want to see everyone else doing their part too. That aside, this particular one doesn't need to be held solely responsible for her home and the world, but she has been asked to be considerate about the hot water supply before. She needs to learn not to be a self-absorbed arse.

kateg27 · 23/02/2022 19:03

@Otherpeoplesteens she probably gets being a self-absorbed arse from her mother.

SylvieB74 · 23/02/2022 20:07

Get a combi boiler 🙄

Bouledeneige · 23/02/2022 21:56

My teens are now but teens anymore. And frankly there are many more challenging issues to deal with than using up the hot water. The DD got shouty because she was woken up - I'd not be best pleased if it was the other way round.

To those who are defending OP asking haven't you ever lost it? Yes I have. Not over hot water and I've not then posted about it on MN with not a suggestion of regret about how I handled it. Really folks teenage years are much harder than this example. You really do have to learn to pick your battles.

BoredZelda · 24/02/2022 00:15

She needs to learn not to be a self-absorbed arse.

Learned behaviour.

mathanxiety · 24/02/2022 00:20

@Mummyoflittledragon, great post.

Shockedmama · 24/02/2022 07:34

@GeekyGirl42

Really? It's OK to stand for 30 minutes under a steaming hot shower until it runs cold, and leave it cold for the next person, and do that repeatedly after being told so many times (I have lost count how often I have had that conversation) this is not ok?

And after 16 hours work, needing a quick wind down before bed, a cold shower is really quite unpleasant.

If you know she does that just check the hot water is on an hour before. Sorry but I think it’s unfair making her close between a cold shower and losing her mobile in the middle of the night. Pick your fights! She’s still a kid
strawberrydonuts · 24/02/2022 07:47

@GeekyGirl42

Yes, so the reason I say "flipped" is that normally I would warn that being this rude looses phone, but was tired and freezing so I said "or take another shower if you are so sure you didn't run it cold". And to be clear, she had at this point shouted, thrown stuff (I now know more about why) and so a consequence really was appropriate.

Surely I'm not the only person that can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven't threatened an absolutely rediculous consequence, and then ended up hoping you don't have to carry it out?

You will always have problems if you can't see the issues with your own parenting style and reflect on why it was wrong.

Of course you're not the only person who has done it. It doesn't make it good parenting and it will never get the outcome you want, or the behaviour you want from your daughter.

Of coruse her behaviour was wrong, yes, but it was the result of what you did and the way that youresponded to her. She is the child, you are the parent. You are meant to be the responsible and calm one.

strawberrydonuts · 24/02/2022 07:52

@Feedingthebirds1

I love all theses PPs, most if not all of them parents themselves, who have clearly never, ever done or said anything to their DCs on the spur of the moment that they regretted later and would have done differently in other circumstances, who are at all times calm and reasonable with their DCs and make exactly the correct response, who are never tired and fed up and who always assume that everything is the OP's fault and nothing to do with the DC. Whether that's on this thread or others.
Of course all parents do/ say things they regret sometimes.

The thing is, from OP's posts, she doesn't seem to really understand why it's not good parenting.

This is going to keep happening until she reflects and understands that it is her own parenting style that is triggering all of this.

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