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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 07:30

@BananaSpanner

Er because it’s relevant. All these people crying that a child might be woken briefly by a parent finishing work and taking a shower need to get over themselves. It’s ridiculous.

But OP isn't a shift worker so it's totally irrelevant in this case

She chose to wait until gone midnight to have a shower and didn't check the hot water - even though she knew her teenager had had a shower earlier as she was home at the time.

OP is the adult in this scenario. She's allowed to be annoyed there's no hot water but surely the answer is to either finish your shower in cold water or just wait until the morning - not scream, wake your 13yo (who has school the next day) and tell her she needs to get in the cold shower herself or she loses her phone

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:30

@Rosehugger

You sound like a nightmare and abusive.

Waking a 13 year old up at midnight, working until midnight? It sounds like you have no time or consideration for her. It's annoying about the hot water, but frankly your boiler is shit if one person having a shower runs all the water out. Get that sorted or frankly just have a shower in the morning like a normal person when it has warmed up again.

And if someone woke me at midnight, squealing in the shower, and made me get in the shower I'd fucking throw things, likely taking their fucking head off with them as well. Poor girl, I feel really sorry for her.

You sound far more unbalanced than the OP.

Rosehugger · 22/02/2022 07:31

Also could you not have stopped work for 30 seconds and switched the emersion on after she had a shower? Who is the adult here?

Brefugee · 22/02/2022 07:31

I think a lot of pp are missing the point with "well you put it on then" - a 13 year old is old enough to be considerate of the people she lives with and not use up all the hot water, or if they do to switch the tank on again.

Because in 7 years there will be AITH on Reddit "my flatmate uses all the hot water and gets stroppy if i remind her other people live here too"

But the toddler tantrum seems to suggest the DD is having other issues?

RhiWrites · 22/02/2022 07:33

OP, I’d say the easy solution is to put the hot water on 30m before you finish work.

She’s a teen and maybe not considerate, but you’re an adult and can plan ahead.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/02/2022 07:33

How long is she having this shower that all the water is used up? Either she needs a timer or you need to review your system for hot water.

Undertheoldlindentree · 22/02/2022 07:34

OP , you seem self-obsessed, lose your temper too easily and are unkind/abusive to your daughter. Not a great role model.

Rosehugger · 22/02/2022 07:34

You sound far more unbalanced than the OP

Helpful.

Magicandspiders · 22/02/2022 07:35

@SpidersAreShitheads summed it up perfectly. YABU. She is a child. You have made it all about you. Who showers that late anyway?! Go to bed and have one in the morning. Poor kid.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 07:37

@Brefugee

Because in 7 years there will be AITH on Reddit "my flatmate uses all the hot water and gets stroppy if i remind her other people live here too"

But the toddler tantrum seems to suggest the DD is having other issues?

But she didn't know she'd used all the hot water because when OP got in the shower, the water was still warm.

00100001 · 22/02/2022 07:38

I'm amazed at how many people are minimising the kids actions here.

Regardless if reasons, she shouts at her .other, throws things around and is generally self centered and STILL takes huge ling showers without thinking about anyone else. She's been asked multiple times to out the hot water on again after her showers. It's not exactly rocket science for a 13yo to learn "have shower, press immersion heater top up button afterwards"

Brefugee · 22/02/2022 07:42

who doesn't check the water before getting in

who doesn't read the posts before replying.

TBH i think getting DD to pick the lesser of the evils of "lose your phone" or "have a shower if you think it's ok" is fine. DD chose the shower and didn't even get in it because it was cold

And anyone who thinks the choice is daft? meh. This was after the (not woken up because hadn't been asleep) teenager started chucking things around the bathroom. So given the circs, i think the choice was fine especially since OP didn't actually, you know, force the stroppy one into the actual shower.

If the hot water conversation has happened a lot, what are you supposed to do? Well, in my case it was: nobody is to have a shower longer than 15 minutes (which is imo still too long) and here's a kitchen timer. (punishment for transgressions? bathroom cleaning duty for 2 weeks for no extra pocket money.

People wittering on about how cruel to take a teenager's phone for a day? well, we can debate that as a punishment until the cows come home, the OPs brilliance there was that the child had a choice. And didn't even actually follow through with the cold shower. That's a win for me.

And as subsequent posts by OP show, she didn't just leave it, she talked to her DD to find out the underlying cause of her overreaction. I really don't see the huge problem here.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:42

She had a shower after 16 hours at work. That is not unreasonable. It was the squeal after the water went cold that woke the child. And it was her daughter that chose to get out of bed, if OP had stormed into her bedroom turned on the light and started screaming at her, I would see it totally differently, but that didn’t happen.
All this drama over briefly waking a child on a school night…do you all have silent houses? Have none of you had second children that have cried and woken an older one?
Noise happens, the midnight shower wasn’t an every day occurrence, child isn’t regularly deprived of sleep.

itsgettingweird · 22/02/2022 07:43

I'm really surprised that hardly anyone is thinking a 13yo storming into a bathroom and throwing around shower gel in a temper tantrum is the mums fault.

She woke up and she had the tantrum.

I expect if she didn't the conversation would have waited until the morning.

itsgettingweird · 22/02/2022 07:44

Isn't** mums fault.

I don't blame the mum for the DD having a temper tantrum!

Kanaloa · 22/02/2022 07:44

@BananaSpanner

She wasn’t! Daughter was arguing she hadn’t done anything wrong. Op said you think it’s ok, you stand in it or lose your phone. Daughter dipped a toe in and decided to lose the phone instead which was always the likely outcome. None of this would be an issue if mum had just said lose the phone but she gave her an option which was never going to happen because op knew how cold it was and that daughter would not suffer it. It’s not perfect parenting and few of us are perfect parents, but people love a pile on here.

OP then also sent her 13 year old child a text saying how hurt she was, docked her pocket money, and said an extra punishment was that she isn’t allowed to shower at home tomorrow. All this after losing her phone because she couldn’t tolerate the cold shower.

OP hasn’t behaved reasonably. She’s expecting more from her 13 year old than she’s capable of herself.

Rosehugger · 22/02/2022 07:45

I'm amazed at how many people are minimising the kids actions here

Because it's something you could have a talk with them about in the morning with calm tones, if you seriously think you should get a child out of bed at midnight when they have school tomorrow to yell at them and punish them for forgetfulness or a lack of thought about something then how do you escalate it from there when they have done something really wrong?

I suspect many people here are not parents, and not parents of teenagers. Yes, 13 is old enough to have consideration for others but sometimes they forget, as adults do. The first order of parenting should be love, kindness, patience and understanding and carrot works much better than stick.

bangaverage · 22/02/2022 07:46

@malificent7

Am I ithe only one who thinks that throwing shower gel bottles around is an unacceptable response from a 13 year old?!

No. That's really not on and if it had been the OP throwing things at her daughter the cries of abuse would be deafening. She's 13 not 3, she needs to learn that being selfish and taking a 30 minute shower has consequences.

BennieAndBert · 22/02/2022 07:46

Sounds like fault on both sides. She should remember to tell you if she has a long shower and shouldn’t throw things around, you should remember you’re dealing with a 13yo and not try to discipline her after midnight when you’re both exhausted.

Kanaloa · 22/02/2022 07:46

And once again, nobody is saying that the teen behaved really well and did the right thing. They’re simply saying that as the adult parent (only real parent this girl has by the sounds of it) you’re supposed to behave better than they do, not worse.

ChiselandBits · 22/02/2022 07:47

From what I've read, YANBU op. I think if you'd phrased it slightly differently you'd be getting different answers. 'asked dd if sec wanted to have family time today or tomorrow. She chose tomorrow so I was working til midnight, a 16 hr shift. She had a long shower that she's been asked repeatedly not to do without telling me so I can boost the tank. I'm a single parent, old house, money is tight so need to be careful. End if shift I was startled by freezing water and squealed. She came running in yelling at me that it wasn't cold and throwing things. I asked her to test the water by sticking her hand in it or go a day without her phone. She did and agreed it was freezing but didn't apologise.
None of that is different to what happened and I bet you'd had more YANBUs. Rude, entitled teen with zero appreciation for anyone else. I teach hundreds of teenagers. Not all of them are arseholes by any means.. Most are really quite nice. There's no imperative that they must be awful and there can be consequences if they are.

BurntO · 22/02/2022 07:49

You were having a shower at midnight which can be noisy enough but then squealed and woke her up then had a go at her? She probably wasn’t expecting someone to be showing at that time!! YABU and sound like a bully

Rosehugger · 22/02/2022 07:50

All this drama over briefly waking a child on a school night…do you all have silent houses? Have none of you had second children that have cried and woken an older one?

Oh is OP a baby waking in the night? Sorry, for a minute I thought she was an adult.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 07:50

@00100001

I'm amazed at how many people are minimising the kids actions here.

I don't think people are minimising her part in this. Yes, she should have put the boiler back on or told her mum - but she's thirteen and probably just didn't think. People are just trying to say that her actions don't warrant her mums' OTT response.

OP is a grown adult and decided the best course of action was to squeal/shout, tell her DD to either get in the cold shower or lose her phone, and then follow the argument up with a text telling her how disappointed she was in her behaviour

Kanaloa · 22/02/2022 07:51

old house, money is tight so need to be careful. End if shift I was startled by freezing water and squealed. She came running in yelling at me that it wasn't cold and throwing things. I asked her to test the water by sticking her hand in it or go a day without her phone. She did and agreed it was freezing but didn't apologise.

Well yeah that would have got different responses because it would be an entirely different situation. It omits the ‘get in the freezing shower or lose your phone’ the guilt tripping text, the banning from showering the next day, the pocket money etc. Obviously if you leave out everything you did wrong then nobody will disagree with you.

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