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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
kateg27 · 22/02/2022 03:23

@violet232 she's getting a hard time because she tried forcing her 13 year old child to have a freezing shower. That's bordering abuse. Thst is much worse than the poor kid throwing shampoo bottles about. The OP sounds deranged over a small, none issue.

knitnerd90 · 22/02/2022 03:23

It's not unreasonable to not want one person to use all the hot water but this entire exchange makes me feel like there's a lot more going on than that.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 22/02/2022 03:30

If I had to hazard a guess I would say you're treating your daughter like and adult instead of a child.

You live together, just the two of you. You expect her to make decisions on which night you should work late. You rage at her for using all the hot water then you punish her like a child.

My question is this, would you 'punish' a partner in the same way if he (or she)
Used the hot water? There's no way you would try to force an adult into the cold shower.

So you choose. If you insist on treating your daughter like an adult then you don't get to inflict punishments. If you think she needs a mother (which sounds far healthier) then perhaps you shouldn't load her up with so much responsibility.

Either way I'm sorry but it sounds like you lost your shit and as you're meant to be the adult, YABVU.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 03:34

No I didn't force her to take a freezing shower. She was exceptionally rude so I basically told her stop that or you can choose between showing me how the shower isn't cold by taking one yourself, or loosing your phone for 24 hours. She ran the shower, checked it and said she wouldn't go in that. I didn't make her go in it!!

Yes there is a lot going on for both of us. Her Dad only has her for 6 weeks of the year. She's upset about that...mostly because it's all in the holidays and he's too far away for her to see friends. I work full time and my Mum has dementia. Work is crazy right now.

She came in to see me earlier.... Turns out she was already awake and from what else she's been saying, she's been discharging some strong feelings about not being able to see her friends all half term.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 22/02/2022 03:34

@malificent7

Am I ithe only one who thinks that throwing shower gel bottles around is an unacceptable response from a 13 year old?!
^ No I do too! YANBU
Wrinklefree · 22/02/2022 03:35

Quackpot She definitely should have apologised, but in return she made her have a cold shower, even the the daughter had already had 1 earlier, to me that seems pretty abusive:

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 03:37

Umm what's wrong with asking your teenager whether there's any evening in particular she'd like to have to herself?? If I have to work then I'd far rather work when she's not up for family time.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 03:40

I did not make her take a cold shower!!! Three choices.... Stop being rude, hand your phone in, or take a shower. Yes, not the finest of choices but I was standing in a towel, freezing cold, after 16 hours at work and being shouted at. To be clear she did not get in the shower even after choosing that option.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/02/2022 03:43

I flipped and told her to take a shower in it or loose phone for 24 hours.

I understand your frustration, and it's not ok that she uses the h/w & doesn't switch it on to heat again but your approach to it was unacceptable. You can't try to pressurise her into a cold shower at midnight.

You needed to leave it, go to bed, talk to her in the morning. Her shouting & screaming at you was not ok. But no productive conversation can be had at midnight.

But really, what were you thinking, using a cold shower at midnight as a consequence?

Goatinthegarden · 22/02/2022 03:45

If you want your teen to behave reasonably then you have to model the types of behaviours that you expect. If you (by your own words) ‘flip out’ over her using the hot water, then she will mirror your reactions.

You sound cruel and unreasonable. Your child spent their evening alone and then was woken by screaming, threatened with a choice of a cold shower or phone confiscation, banned from a home shower tomorrow and then having her pocket money docked. Your actions would make me want to scream at you and I’m usually very calm and placid.

A more reasonable reaction from you would have been to not scream when touching cold water (I’d test the water before getting in - especially as it’s happened before) and had a sensible conversation about the shower at a different time of day.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/02/2022 03:45

I did not make her take a cold shower!!! Three choices.... Stop being rude, hand your phone in, or take a shower.

You gave her a set of unreasonable options. You're only mentioning the 'stop being rude' option now; it was 'have cold shower or lose phone' and of course she'll choose anything but losing her phone, at 13.

It really was quite an unpleasant thing to do.

Kanaloa · 22/02/2022 03:46

She sounds like she was a bit of a rude madame (like I’m sure all 13 year olds can be) but you sound like you handled it really poorly, squealing because the water was cold, ‘flipping out’ and telling her she had to have a cold shower or lose her phone, then also removing her pocket money, and sending her a text saying how hurt you were. It could have been handled much much better from you.

And I know this is just whatever but the constant ‘I worked 16 hours and wanted to take a shower’ is just quite whiny. Yes, you have a job. Most of us adults do. You were at home, so you really could have showered earlier/checked the hot water/waited till morning if necessary. It just sounds like you made a big drama out of a mildly annoying thing, then your 13 year old did much the same thing.

GreenWheat · 22/02/2022 03:49

Jeez, some of the comments on here, Hmm It is absolutely not acceptable for your DD to be so selfish with the hot water, nor is it acceptable for her to be throwing bottles around the shower. No wonder some teenagers behave so appallingly with some of the attitudes on here.

marble1 · 22/02/2022 03:51

I don't understand. So your hot water runs out after one long shower? You know this so try to alternate shower days - is that what you mean? Get a timer and tell her to get out after 15 minutes if that's what you have to do, but it seems like there may be something wrong with your water heater system if it can only handle one shower a day, so much that you have to alternate! If that is what you meant?

EarringsandLipstick · 22/02/2022 03:52

@GreenWheat

Jeez, some of the comments on here, Hmm It is absolutely not acceptable for your DD to be so selfish with the hot water, nor is it acceptable for her to be throwing bottles around the shower. No wonder some teenagers behave so appallingly with some of the attitudes on here.
No-one is saying it is! Some of us think that making a 13 yo have a cold shower for no reason isn't great parenting.
Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 03:59

It's an old house BUT the tank holds soo much water. It can definitely handle several normal showers. I'm not sure what she's doing in there 🤷‍♀️ but it's quite a feat to run the tank cold.

And she's never in trouble for that.... What we talked about, so many times that I've lost count, is that if it runs out, let me know so I can boost it.

I am already heating a colossal amount of water; boosting it every day would be very expensive.

OP posts:
irene9 · 22/02/2022 04:01

On the nights you want a shower why don't you ask her if she's had already had one?
How would she know if the tank is just about to run cold?
Sounds like you over reacted. She's 13, not 18.
Some of the anger you feel towards her is nothing to do with her. Just remember that.

Also why would you be squealing loudly after midnight when your 13yr old child has to be up for school the next morning. Maybe you startled her and she thought you were hurt.

Libertybear80 · 22/02/2022 04:03

Did it happen once or is this continually happening? If it happened once then you've over reacted. I think it was probably the icing on the cake though. There's a reason we argue with our teens and that is to biologically push them out of the nest so they can make their own lives.

Can't you just both apologise and move on?

RantyAunty · 22/02/2022 04:05

The water heater does sound unusual.

You have 2 people in the house and from what I gather, you're each taking one shower a day at night.

How long are you each in the shower?

Bringonsummer19 · 22/02/2022 04:07

Wow OP you made a child take a cold shower as punishment knowing the physical unpleasantness….child abuse.

Having a shower and waking up a 13 year old…I mean come on. Your leaving with a child not a house mate arrangement.

Tilltheend99 · 22/02/2022 04:08

Your 13 year olds normal teenage tantrum sounds trying but instead of teaching her that shouting, throwing things, and using all the hot water is wrong you did something really abusive.

It is abusive to force a child to take a cold shower. (Like something out of a prison movie Sad) And you ‘flipped’ too. How can she learn from your example?!

UABU

aloris · 22/02/2022 04:09

You used up the last of the hot water in 30 seconds, it was probably hot when she got out of the shower herself. You need to estimate how long it takes to go through a tank of hot water. (She probably had a very long shower). Have her use a timer or stopwatch to take her shower and either get out after 20 min or set herself a reminder to turn the boost on if her shower is over 20 min (or 15 min if that is better for you). Her computer can send her a reminder, or she can tape a note to the door of the bathroom to remind herself.

When our hot water tank was getting to the end of its lifespan, the hot water would run out very quickly. The plumber explained it to me but I don't remember the explanation.

FangsForTheMemory · 22/02/2022 04:11

YABU. You woke her up and you seem to be competing with her to have the biggest tantrum.

Monty27 · 22/02/2022 04:14

OP just stop making your family home so unbearable. It's very sad for you both. Assuming there's just two of you.

Arabellla · 22/02/2022 04:16

YANBU, OP. As she now admits she was awake and pretended to be woken up because she’s angry about being away from her friends, it’s entirely possible she deliberately used up all the water.

She is testing your boundaries, don’t give in to her.