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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 22/02/2022 06:54

I am not surprised she wants to live with her dad you sound abusive! Telling a girl to get into a cold shower at midnight? Telling her she can’t have a shower at home tomorrow? I can’t believe what I am reading.

Really inconsiderate to have a shower at midnight in the first place, and then you start screaming because the water is cold? My water ran cold last week, it is nothing to scream about. Your poor daughter I am not surprised she has had enough.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/02/2022 06:56

if you are going to take a shower make sure the tank is hot - i find it quite selfish that you would take a shower at 12.30 pm

AchillesPoirot · 22/02/2022 06:56

And I agree with others - a shower at midnight because you want to unwind when there’s others in the house is unreasonable.

It sounds like my parents who were of the view that they could do what they liked because they paid for the house and we had to suck it up because we didn’t (as children).

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/02/2022 06:56

or is it 12.30 am,
after midnight anyway

Chasingaftermidnight · 22/02/2022 06:58

She shouldn’t have been so rude to you. But you shouldn’t have woken her up. And you shouldn’t have forced her to take a cold shower as a punishment. I know you say you didn’t force her but you effectively did by offering her the option as one of a number of unpalatable choices.

Punishments for 13 year old girls (or in fact anyone, but especially teenage girls) should never involve them being forced to undress/be without their clothes in front of you in the middle of the night. That’s humiliation.

cookiemonster2468 · 22/02/2022 07:00

@GeekyGirl42

I did not make her take a cold shower!!! Three choices.... Stop being rude, hand your phone in, or take a shower. Yes, not the finest of choices but I was standing in a towel, freezing cold, after 16 hours at work and being shouted at. To be clear she did not get in the shower even after choosing that option.
Yes, not the finest of choices. Can you see why even putting that on the list was a bad idea? It doesn't really matter whether you were actually going to force her to take a shower, the point is that you suggested it (and the alternatives given weren't exactly great either).

The idea of telling your daughter that she should have a freezing shower is a stupid, cruel and unreasonable punishment and you obviously hadn't thought it through.

If that's what your parenting is like generally then tbh I'm not surprised your daughter is struggling and acting out.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 07:02

YABVU.

The choice of "have a cold shower or lose your phone" is ridiculous.

You're an adult - it's your responsibility to make sure there's enough hot water. Don't put that on a 13 year old child. Besides, how was she supposed to know the water was going to run out of it was still hot/warm when you got in the shower yourself?

It's also selfish to have a shower at gone midnight when your kid is sleeping and has school the next day.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:04

A 13 year old is more than capable of showing some responsibility re not using up all the hot water. If some posters kids aren’t capable of realising that having 30 minute showers is excessive and that they should be more thoughtful to other members of their household then they should be parented more firmly.
Throwing shower gel bottles around is awful behaviour for a 13 year old. And nobody forced her to get out of bed, she chose to come raging into the bathroom.
OP did not force her child into a freezing shower. She gave her the option of losing her phone for a day or taking the shower. Her daughter chose what she thought would be the easy option and decided against it.
You’ll both get over this OP, life sounds hard for you both. Have a chat about it and try and have a more relaxed evening tonight. Stick to your guns re her not using all the hot water though. Maybe tell her to put a 15 min timer on her phone.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 22/02/2022 07:07

You woke her up and made her take a feeding shower. Absolutely out of line. Sort your heating system out.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:09

Oh and not everyone can tip toe around in silence after their kids have gone to bed. Families with shift workers living in the home will have comings and goings and showers going on at strange times regularly. Those in bed need to learn to ignore.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/02/2022 07:09

@GeekyGirl42

Shower over bath - she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it.
Your updates make no difference really.

I never thought you physically forced her into the shower. But you offered her a choice of consequences, one of which was to have a cold shower, the other to lose her phone.

Absolutely we all threaten silly consequences we don't mean at times.

But you then allowed it to continue, to the point where she prepared to take a shower, at midnight, until the point she tested the water. That's a further unnecessary escalation.

If you were working till midnight you were naturally exhausted. You both need to talk when you're rested & calm. But the way it played out on this occasion was down to you, I'm afraid ^^

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:09

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge

You woke her up and made her take a feeding shower. Absolutely out of line. Sort your heating system out.
Deliberate misrepresentation of what happened.
ItsAlwaysThere · 22/02/2022 07:10

I have children who would stay in the shower for an hour given the chance. We have a timer. It allows us to set clear limits which are understood by everybody.

Do you have clear limits like that? It's hard to lose track of time.

It's hard to wake up in a shock when you're asleep or even drifting off, it can cause irrationality and confusion which sounds like what happened with your daughter.

You were absolutely unreasonable. I know what it's like to really look forward to a peaceful shower or bath at the end of a long day, but still unreasonable I'm afraid.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 07:10

@BananaSpanner

Oh and not everyone can tip toe around in silence after their kids have gone to bed. Families with shift workers living in the home will have comings and goings and showers going on at strange times regularly. Those in bed need to learn to ignore.
But OP isn't a shift worker - she was at home and chose to work late.

She could have had her shower earlier or waited in the next day.

Also, being a shift worker isn't a reason to keep everyone awake or wake them up at antisocial times.

MiddleParking · 22/02/2022 07:14

@BananaSpanner

Oh and not everyone can tip toe around in silence after their kids have gone to bed. Families with shift workers living in the home will have comings and goings and showers going on at strange times regularly. Those in bed need to learn to ignore.
Why’ve you felt the need to pull ‘shift workers’ out of your arse, just out of interest?
BobHadBitchTits · 22/02/2022 07:15

The obvious solution is to now limit how long she can shower for.

If she can't let you know when she's used all the hot water, she can no longer have long showers.

I feel like this is a better consequence than telling her to take a cold shower, though I appreciate you acted in the moment.

ufucoffee · 22/02/2022 07:17

YANBU. I don't care how upset she was at being woken up if she is going to behave in that way I would be doing exactly the same as you. I wouldn't have put up with that behaviour from my children.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:17

Er because it’s relevant. All these people crying that a child might be woken briefly by a parent finishing work and taking a shower need to get over themselves. It’s ridiculous.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:19

@BananaSpanner

Er because it’s relevant. All these people crying that a child might be woken briefly by a parent finishing work and taking a shower need to get over themselves. It’s ridiculous.
That was @MiddleParking
DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 07:22

@malificent7

Am I ithe only one who thinks that throwing shower gel bottles around is an unacceptable response from a 13 year old?!
No, but in a house where being made to stand in an icy shower is considered reasonable discipline, I'm not entirely surprised.
FrangipaniBlue · 22/02/2022 07:24

I think someone behaved like a stroppy teenager...... and it wasn't the 13 year old Confused

MiddleParking · 22/02/2022 07:26

@BananaSpanner

Er because it’s relevant. All these people crying that a child might be woken briefly by a parent finishing work and taking a shower need to get over themselves. It’s ridiculous.
‘Er’ no it isn’t because there are no shift workers in the scenario Hmm
Rosehugger · 22/02/2022 07:27

You sound like a nightmare and abusive.

Waking a 13 year old up at midnight, working until midnight? It sounds like you have no time or consideration for her. It's annoying about the hot water, but frankly your boiler is shit if one person having a shower runs all the water out. Get that sorted or frankly just have a shower in the morning like a normal person when it has warmed up again.

And if someone woke me at midnight, squealing in the shower, and made me get in the shower I'd fucking throw things, likely taking their fucking head off with them as well. Poor girl, I feel really sorry for her.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:29

She wasn’t! Daughter was arguing she hadn’t done anything wrong. Op said you think it’s ok, you stand in it or lose your phone. Daughter dipped a toe in and decided to lose the phone instead which was always the likely outcome.
None of this would be an issue if mum had just said lose the phone but she gave her an option which was never going to happen because op knew how cold it was and that daughter would not suffer it.
It’s not perfect parenting and few of us are perfect parents, but people love a pile on here.

DenholmElliot · 22/02/2022 07:29

Just put the hot water on an hour before you need a shower for goodness sake!

And did you really "squeal" or were you ranting and bad tempered?

Making her get into a cold shower is abusive. Maybe she would be better off at her dads.