AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

[GeekyGirl42]

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

And no one doesn’t put their hand in first to check it’s not too hot/cold - therefore the water must have been fine whilst OP got in and then it went cold - so how could DD know she had used all of the hot water!

And a shower that is warm at first doesn’t then run freezing in one go. The water gets colder over a period of time. I would put money on the shouting not being a yelp because of being in a freezing shower, it was a shout because the teenager had used all the water. I don’t buy that the child being woken was an accident.

It's OK to stand for 30 minutes under a steaming hot shower until it runs cold, and leave it cold for the next person,

OP make your mind up, which was it? In this post you say she must've stood under it til it ran cold, yet in another you say it was hot for you for 30 seconds then ran cold. It can't be both.

You shouted because you were annoyed, not because you were stood under freezing water. You can dress it up however you want but your story has more holes than a Swiss cheese.

And your 13yo thinks like a 13yo, not an adult. It sounds to me like you're treating her more like a flat mate at this point, and she's not, she's your child and you behaved appallingly. We all get stressed and we all have long days and we've all said something to our kids that we regret, the difference is realising that we were out of line and apologising. That's the kind of behaviour you need to be modelling.

And if you know she's had a shower then stick the water heating back like the majority of us would do instead of making such a massive deal of it. Pick your battles OP, this one isn't worth it.

I think this issue is deeper than the temperature of the shower!

It sounds like any small thing each of you do triggers a hateful response in the other. The mother and daughter relationship seems to be suffering between both of you.

You sound like a tired exhausted mum, who is working hard and trying her best for her daughter. But your daughter doesn't seem to appreciate or understand how much you care and do for her. So it escalates into arguments between both of you and resenting each other over small things.

On threads like this I think people should have to state the age of their children (and maybe their own age) at the top of their posts.

From the comments it seems that many responses are from people without children, or who haven't raised teens.

It also seems that lots of posters here haven't worked out that heating water costs money and not everyone can afford to turn heating on for extra time every day just on the off chance that one person has used enough hot water for 4.

And some posters think that working til midnight is some sort of personal indulgence, as is showering after you finish work. Rather than realise that when people work into the early hours they often like to get the shower done before bed because it's one less thing to do the next morning.

The OP first posted around 2am, so maybe people online at that time are more likely to be teenagers themselves than the parents of teenagers.

OP, your daughter was being unreasonable. You sound like you could have handled it better, but you were not massively unreasonable and certainly have not commited child abuse as some other posters have suggessted. Hang in there!

I think the OP should have done things differently. I'm 57, mother of 4 DDs, all former teenagers now. Does that help?

Surely I'm not the only person that can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven't threatened an absolutely rediculous consequence, and then ended up hoping you don't have to carry it out?

Surely you making that sort of mistake when your child is about 2?

*stop

I haven't read the full thread 😂 but op you do realise that leaving the hot water on 24 hours a day hardly cost more, I did it myself, over the course of a week it cost just under £1 to keep it heated. It's NOT like a kettle, it will only use more electric when it gets below a certain heat. But to turn it off then back on all the time costs a lot of money as you are going from cold to hot. Rather than warm to hot. Just leave the water on.

Just for clarity my electric is on a key meter so I can see exactly what everything costs, so I know the cost of leaving the emersion heater on for 7 days vs turning it on and off.

OP last posted on the 22nd. She ain't coming back.