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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 22/02/2022 05:53

@GeekyGirl42

Shower over bath - she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it.
You had this interaction with your child at midnight on a Monday and you’re complaining that she’s in the wrong? I’d happily launch a bottle of shower gel at you just from reading about it to be honest.
EmmaH2022 · 22/02/2022 05:55

@Chichimcgee

I think you know the forcing her to have a cold shower is wrong (which is why you’ve now gone back on what you’ve said pretty much)

She’s a teenager, she shouldn’t have been throwing things or being rude but she’s been woken up, told off, forced to take a cold shower - it’s a bit extreme.

I really don’t think it’s difficult to check the hot water as an adult if you’re thinking of having a shower that evening, it doesn’t really seem like a 13 year olds responsibility.

OP never said that in the first place!

OP I feel for you. And coming home from work after 16 hours is bad enough without there being no hot water.

Honestly, it's not worth posting on AIBU. There's either zero reading comprehension or posters trying to have a go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2022 05:56

@Namenic

Yanbu. Personally I think the choice of cold shower or phone confiscation is pretty reasonable. Child has to learn that hot water costs money so can’t be on all the time. At least she gets to have the shower/bath she wants and only has to let parent know that she has had it (rather than rationed). Also, sometimes you have to be up late (due to work or being woken) and get up the next morning. And to control her anger. I don’t have teens so dunno how this is going to play out - may end up as counter productive as she seems mad at the holiday arrangements. But I don’t think it is abusive - losing a phone for a day?!
I can tell you don’t have teens. A teen isn’t an adult. Especially not a young teen. She’s on half term atm I think. Removing her phone, which is her lifeline, for a day when she can’t see her friends because the parent started an argument at midnight then adding additional punishments is really punitive.
Knittingchamp · 22/02/2022 05:58

Your DD was BU obviously, but if you tried to make her have a cold shower in the middle of the night that's awful! I think OP that both of you were being drama llamas maybe, and it's be good to have a sit down chat about it. To be fair this was way too much drama from both of you about a shower. Could also be that she's got raging hormones, 13 is a nightmare age for her in that sense so might explain why she's not herself.

Lolalovesmarmite · 22/02/2022 05:58

I don’t think YABU to be annoyed about the hot water being used up and your daughters reaction was OTT and rude BUT YABVU to offer your daughter the choice between a cold shower and losing her phone for the day. That’s horrible.

PollyPurpose · 22/02/2022 06:03

@SpidersAreShitheads

Alternative perspective:

"Mum was working tonight so I spent evening doing my own thing, had a shower and went to bed. Just as I was dozing off, Mum screamed in the shower and it nearly gave me a heart attack! I woke up in a right panic and wondered what the hell was going on, until I realised that Mum was having one of her tempers again about the shower. She’s always having showers late and banging around in the bathroom when I’m trying to sleep. When I’ve got school the next day, it’s really disruptive.

I was a bit grumpy but when I went in the bathroom she moaned at me again about not telling her to put the hot water back on. But I really don’t think I took a long shower, so I’m not really sure when the hot water needs to go back on or not? It didn’t feel like a long shower to me, and mum is always saying there’s enough hot water for four people to shower so I don’t really know why the shower went cold so quickly for her.

I tried to argue my point but mum was really annoyed, and in the end she said that because I answered her back, I either had to have a freezing cold shower now or lose my phone for a day. Obviously I chose the shower. However, it was so cold I couldn’t stand it and had to get back out again. It seemed like a really mean punishment and way OTT. Who makes their child stand in a freezing cold shower as a punishment anyway?

Mum was very patronising at this point and then told me that I couldn’t have a shower in my own home tomorrow! Apparently I now have to shower at the gym! How is that even fair - it’s my home too?!

I’ve had enough of her moaning and her moods so I told her that I want to live with dad. I thought that might make her realise how unhappy all of this is making me, but in typical mum style, all that did was prompt a text making it all about her, as per usual. She won’t talk to me about how I’m feeling or why I want to live with dad, and instead is just docking me half my pocket money.

I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did but she is literally punishing me for expressing my feelings. Apparently telling her that I’m unhappy living with her “has consequences”.

I’m so fed up and she won’t even take me seriously. I’m going to talk to dad as soon as I can. "

You knew she'd had a shower. You say she keeps using all the hot water - but chose not to put it back on for a blast to make sure there was enough for you. That's on you.

She was moody but you handled it badly, and now you're docking her pocket money because she said she wants to live with her dad. Childish and spiteful. You're not coming out of this well at all.

She's only 13. Unless you learn how to communicate better, these are going to be long and painful teen years for you both.

This is the most brilliant response. As an adult in my 30s my parents behaviour similar to yours has left me over sensitive, with deeper issues needing therapy.

This post quoted by spiders is brilliantly written.

Your daughter is 13 not 21! She is full of hormones, still a child, she needs love and kind words. Why don’t you shower in the morning, or before an evening of work. Or set a reminder yourself to boost your heating. You’re not teaching her responsibility.

She’s probably feeling rejected and unloved, because she is 13.

Op you’re really unreasonable. I feel sorry for your daughter.

I would expect this type of frustration in a house share, yet even then I wouldn’t scream. I would be annoyed and then the following day say in person that there usually isn’t hot water. Then again you can’t expect a 13 year old to understand these things.

I still don’t understand my own parents heating and hot water, as in my home we never run out.

I think you should start with positive reinforcement- apologise profusely for shouting at her, especially the forcing her half asleep into a cold shower “this is abuse”, for saying she wasn’t welcome to shower in her own home, she’s probably feeling rejected and unloved hence the “I’d rather live with dad comment”.

Make amends, then positively introduce a timer she sets for herself during her shower. She’s probably taking long showers to switch off, decompress and fill her time.

3luckystars · 22/02/2022 06:05

Sounds like a house with two teenagers!

sashh · 22/02/2022 06:07

Buy an electric shower, it will save you a fortune and stop the arguments.

AchillesPoirot · 22/02/2022 06:11

@sashh I was literally about to type that.

Just change the shower for an electric one. You’ll save the costs back.

Onlyhuman123 · 22/02/2022 06:12

Not sure why everyone is saying that your behaviour is unreasonable?! If you've told your daughter countless times to not have such long showers then at 13, she should realise and register that she needs to reduce her shower time. She may have pmt and allowances could be made for that but the way she spoke to you is incredibly rude. I would have done exact same as you OP. No 13 year old dictates what goes on!!

GreyGoose1980 · 22/02/2022 06:15

You’re the parent OP - just put the water on in good time when you need a shower. 13 year olds are forgetful and a bit self absorbed. Making her take a shower at midnight was really petty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2022 06:16

@PollyPurpose
I also had the same thing with water, heating and clothes amongst other things. My parents were very comfortably off. As a result, I have to buy back ups for back ups for everything including food and have in the past struggled to wear new clothes, admiring them in the wardrobe until unfashionable and have the most humongous hot water tank in the loft.

I agree the post from @SpidersAreShitheads is absolutely spot on.

OldWivesTale · 22/02/2022 06:16

Yabvvvu. You need to start acting like the adult. Your "punishments" are cruel, OTT and unnecessary; no wonder she wants to live with her dad.

Loopytiles · 22/02/2022 06:17

YANBU to be annoyed about DD using up the hot water. But your handling was poor. You’re the adult!

Intimidating her into getting into a cold shower in the middle of the night was nasty.

Loopytiles · 22/02/2022 06:18

A nasty punishment is not a ‘consequence’

AchillesPoirot · 22/02/2022 06:25

You can’t give her a choice of no phone or cold shower. That is abusive.

I know you’re probably anxious about the cost of the shower and I know that teens don’t always think of others but in your shoes I honestly would just put an electric shower in. It won’t cost much to do and it’ll solve the problem. And with the cost of electric heating up the big tank of water (which you can’t use all of every day) you’ll get the money back quickly and better than that you can both shower when you want.

Grida · 22/02/2022 06:30

She shouldn’t have behaved in the way she did but the method of punishment was where you were unreasonable. If someone made me take a cold shower or have the option to lose my phone for a day, I would feel humiliated and outraged, so that is probably how she felt. It sounds like both of you were tired and fed up.

Chichimcgee · 22/02/2022 06:32

i feel for you. And coming home from work after 16 hours is bad enough without there being no hot water.

Honestly, it's not worth posting on AIBU. There's either zero reading comprehension

Like not reading that op works from home

DillyDilly · 22/02/2022 06:32

I think you over-reacted massively and then your daughter did the same.

Very unkind and unreasonable suggesting she take a cold shower as punishment. You then worsened the situation by texting her.

I’d apologise to her in the morning.

Daenerys77 · 22/02/2022 06:39

So let her go and live with her dad. She'll be back.

allgreythings · 22/02/2022 06:40

I mean this gently but it’s sounds like you need some help coping
This isn’t a normal reaction and so many ways to avoid it happening.

allgreythings · 22/02/2022 06:42

Timer on the shower for a start
I also think it’s unreasonable having a shower so late at night when other people are sleeping

NumberTheory · 22/02/2022 06:46

Agree with many others - she should have been more mindful about the shower. I feel for you working so hard and then being shocked by the cold water and not being able to unwind after. However, your handling of the situation was pouring oil on a fire and will not do anything to make her more mindful in the future or improve your relationship with her (a relationship she's going to need over the next few years).

Halo1234 · 22/02/2022 06:48

I doubt she us deliberately running the tank cold and not telling you.
Can u get her to set a timer on her phone and when it goes off she comes out the shower.
You should not have told her to chose between a cold shower at midnight or losing her phone. That's too much. Not helpful and frankly ridiculous. Plus was is not after midnight at this point.
I think you owe her an apology. She is at a difficult age. Half asleep or sleep deprived if she was awake. Not doing it deliberately. Pick your battles. Have a shower in the morning.

Landlubber2019 · 22/02/2022 06:51

Ywbu, you worked all night and then as she settles down you have a shower! You talk about her using all the hot water, did you check the tank before stepping into the shower? I suspect not as this will have indicated that you were not going to have a relaxing shower.

Your daughter's behaviour was awful but it was definitely trigged by you and could easily have been avoided.

When you ask her not to take long showers, what do you mean and what have you done to facilitate this? For example is a long shower 25 mins or 2 hours? Is their a timer in the shower she can use? Would this help to provide clear guidance and manage your expectations?

Sorry this is unlikely to be the answer you wanted.