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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 21/02/2022 21:15

Is she actually pregnant or just planning to be?

If she is pregnant and her due date is within a month of your wedding then I can understand her logic for opting out of thd whole thing but if not then I can understand why you are upset

LightBulbous · 21/02/2022 21:18

I’d she even pregnant? Either way, the absolute opt out when she could still help in smaller ways is harsh.

She’s showing you who she is so up to you if you believe her. She’s just hidden it well until now.

Original poster
1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:19

I'm sorry. Yes she's just announced today. I'm pregnant & won't be attending your wedding

OP posts:
Millionairenow · 21/02/2022 21:23

That sounds a bit harsh, there are ways of saying it that are a lot kinder if she feels she may not be up to it

SparkleSpangle · 21/02/2022 21:25

How close to her due date is the wedding?

britneyisfree · 21/02/2022 21:26

I think she's been rude about how she's done it. But if she has a newborn.... I wouldn't want to take a newborn to a wedding either.

And not being harsh but you made your choice, she has made hers. Imagine if you quit your job to attend her wedding because you couldn't get the day off?
You couldn't then expect her to do the same just because you did it for her.

I wouldn't leave my baby (if I didn't want to) just to be a good friend. I wouldn't even consider it. She's already drawn her line, no sense you being a resentful because you didn't draw yours.

jazzhands44 · 21/02/2022 21:26

That's shit of her but it sounds like you were too accommodating with her at the expense of your own feelings (leaving your ds) and now she's pregnant she isn't willing to do the same for you.

I've had friends who expected the world when I had young dc but soon changed their views when their dc came along.

I would be very disappointed that it's a blanket no and she's not even willing to see how she feels nearer the time. She doesn't sound like a great friend.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 21:29

Cut her loose op.

Original poster
1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:30

Thanks everyone.

I guess you're right. She's just like a sister to me so I thought I would do whatever was asked of me (as hard as it was ) as I was convinced she'd do the same.

I would've loved for her to see how she feels nearer the time or at least attend the ceremony or the meal. Just a few hours

OP posts:
Popfan · 21/02/2022 21:32

That's rubbish, my best friend was over 8 months pregnant at my wedding, nothing would have kept her away (apart from actual labour obviouslyGrin), we had her dress especially made and so on. What a shame for you

Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 21:32

Wow that's awful, my best friend did all of the things you did for my wedding last year and I wouldn't dream of treating her like that. Even heavily pregnant I'd want to share your day with you, it's what best friends do.
Even if there was a chance I'd go into labour at your wedding, I'd still be there.
I'm sorry you've been treated like this x

gamerchick · 21/02/2022 21:32

I'd take that as wanting an excuse but so be it. I'd be giving her a swerve for a bit, she's going to be hard work.

Chloemol · 21/02/2022 21:34

Start to walk away, she is no friend

Overthebow · 21/02/2022 21:35

YANBU. You sound very accommodating and your friend should see how she feels and make the effort to come if she feels up to it. Her baby may be early or late. I would have been able and willing to go when my baby was one or two weeks old for a few hours.

ldontWanna · 21/02/2022 21:35

How easy was it for her to get pregnant? If she had a long journey to this, possibly with miscarriages, or it's a risky pregnancy I'd understand from various points of view.

If not , she could be using it as an excuse for whatever reason she doesn't want to actually come to your wedding, tight finances, stressed about timings,she doesn't "do" weddings etc.

Has she so far been a good and equal friend or does she have form for this?

annaB2 · 21/02/2022 21:39

Very similar thing happened to me and caused me to look at our friendship in a different light, and I realised just how one sided it had been for a long long time.

I've walked away from the friendship and never thought twice about it!

secular39 · 21/02/2022 21:39

That's why it's good to be selfish with your friend. People like this have a pattern and I have a feeling that you put more into the friendship than she did. Let this be a lesson learnt, do not fall head over heels over people, I.e. do everything for them in expense of your mental, emotional and physical well being and time when they are likely to give anything back.

Don't let her know your upset, just saw aww that's ok and that's that. When she has the baby, do not go over to her house all the time, tell her your busy or on a honey moon or whatever. She'll soon learn her lesson.

secular39 · 21/02/2022 21:40

I meant *that's why it's good to be selfish of your time.

Shamoo · 21/02/2022 21:42

To be honest, her taking that position so quickly now in the way she has would be friendship ending for me. And I’m not one to usually take that sort of a position. But she doesn’t care about you.

Tigerteafor3 · 21/02/2022 21:42

I went to a wedding hours from home 2 days before I gave birth. If she really wants to do it, she would.

She's shown you who she is, believe her.

Thenamegame0 · 21/02/2022 21:42

She sounds like a selfish prick

longtompot · 21/02/2022 21:45

I did go to a relatives wedding approx an hours drive from home very heavily pregnant. Had the baby 3 days later! I was very uncomfortable plus had a toddler with us, so it was a very tiring day. My baby was 5 days early.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/02/2022 21:46

I think she has been harsh, considering you've been more than accommodating. If you've said she is free to see how she feels nearer the time, and she can bring her baby, then it's pretty horrible of her to say no. Depending on if baby is early or late...she might have had an easy birth and a one month old, which is perfectly manageable for a 40 minute journey and a couple of hours at the wedding. Or she might still be pregnant which is also manageable. Its not like you've said no babies, and you expect her at the whole day, or organised a wedding abroad or you need an answer now.

You've put the effort in and she hasn't extended you that same courtesy and I'd not be putting myself out for her in the future to be honest

Hshuznw · 21/02/2022 21:48

Hmm how close is your wedding date to her due date? Because if she will be heavily baby or have a new born, then that suggests there’s quite an overlap. In which case, I really don’t think she’s being difficult.

SummerWhisper · 21/02/2022 21:50

She's your best friend but you are not hers. Really sorry to be so blunt. You sound lovely. Let your other lovely friends be fully involved and let them spoil you rotten. Don't give her a second thought now. It's her loss. What a madam.