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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
Bertiebiscuit · 23/02/2022 18:59

If i had put myself out like that for someone I would be furious at being treated like this - she's a bad faith friend I'd say - personally I would not go to her wedding and only tell her on the sat, possibly by text or email, and then ignore her - she is never going to repay your good friendship, so find someone who will

Mirw · 23/02/2022 19:01

Selfish cow! Ditch her...

NightandViolets · 23/02/2022 19:02

In that situation I’d have mentioned it in order to manage expectations but made a call much nearer the time, assuming she’s announced this in early 2nd trimester? I did this when invited to a friend’s wedding as I’d been advised baby could be really early so I wanted to let her know in case she wanted to offer my place to someone else and or would be offended if I couldn’t go. As it was I went along at 34 weeks and aside from needing a wee constantly and not staying too late I had a lovely time! Baby arrived 3 weeks later. I have also known a (former) good friend to kick a girl out of her bridesmaid group because she found out she was pregnant - she didn’t think it would look good if one of us was pregnant so we’d been instructed to abstain till her big dayAngry that friendship didn’t last long after I kicked the uncomfortable bridesmaid shoes off for the last time!

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 19:13

she didn’t think it would look good if one of us was pregnant so we’d been instructed to abstain till her big day

Fucking hell @NightandViolets. Just reading that makes me want to reach through time & the 'net to punch her!

Scotland32 · 23/02/2022 19:27

You are not remotely unreasonable. She is being ridiculous. One of those folk who think they are the first person ever to have a baby and also the most important.

Danlsb · 23/02/2022 19:27

Sorry you are going through this during what should be an exciting time for you. Sounds like she could be a bit jealous of you and doesn’t want your wedding and hen to be better than hers. I’ve had friends who are happy when it’s all about them but not interested when it’s for someone else.
Focus on having an amazing wedding with your family and friends. You have a clearer picture of her so you can move forward with your friendship with your eyes wide open but will be careful not to put yourself out for her until she realises how she should treat friends.

Melx42 · 23/02/2022 19:28

She is not a friend to you. I am sorry but she has taken full advantage of you

2DogsOnMySofa · 23/02/2022 19:42

Sounds like she only wants to be friends when there's something in it for her. I suspect she'll creep out the woodwork when it's baby shower time

Gardeningcreature · 23/02/2022 20:07

She isn’t a very good friend.
I would leave her too it.
I absolutely would not rush to attend her baby shower or anything she invites you too op.

obstacalling · 23/02/2022 20:13

When is the wedding and when is baby due date?

What is the hen do? What are your plans?

keeptheaspidistra · 23/02/2022 20:51

Is she competitive, have you planned a bigger/better wedding than hers?
Is she vain/image conscious, could she be worried about how she'll look, what she will wear etc?

StargazerAli · 23/02/2022 21:11

You're the giver in the relationship and she's the taker. You probably set the pattern years ago but are only just admitting it to yourself. She probably won't change but you can. Let her do what she wants and time to start putting yourself first.

MRS54321 · 23/02/2022 21:50

Post the BEST PICs from your hen do
Obviously she won’t be there
Have a lovely wedding- this woman doesn’t care about you. Utterly weird behaviour !?
Don’t give her the chance to let you down again
She could’ve stepped down as maid of honour, but offered to do many things with you :a spa day , a weekend away etc to make it up to you.
As others have said. Don’t make a fuss when baby is born. Yes, it’s obviously in your nature to be nice ( verging on people pleasing?) but you need to draw a line for yourself and what you’re willing to put up with.

Roxy69 · 23/02/2022 21:52

I think you should be prepared for an easing up of this friendship in every way. Just see how things go, ease off the contact but in life there are often changes in friends. It it is quite normal even though it can be hurtful. Don't overthink it.

Angiemumof5 · 23/02/2022 22:31

When I got married my baby was 3 weeks old! It was all planned really quickly because we wanted my sil to be there who was travelling home from Australia for 6 weeks so me and hubby had all the planning to do too whilst I was heavily pregnant. My ds slept through the whole of the ceremony then only woke for he’s feed during the reception so it’s doable. Like you say if she just came to the ceremony and the meal that would be lovely have you suggested that to her?

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 23/02/2022 23:22

I feel your friend is being spiteful and nasty, not taking your feelings in to account at all. OK, she doesn't have to do anything for you but in normal life when someone goes out of their way to be so nice and accommodating to you, making your day so special, you do it back to them, that's what friends do. She sounds an egotistical bitch. It would grind me that I'd done so much to make her day special but she can't be bothered to reciprocate it, just nasty

worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 00:27

Why can she not attend a hen night either if its just say a meal or something ? Being pregnant doesn't mean you can never leave your house
I think how she handled it is rude and when you offered to see how she feels nearer the time it wouldn't of hurt her to do that and come along maybe for an hr if not far away
Especially when she knows how much you did for her

worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 00:34

I went to my nans 100 birthday at 39 weeks pregnant 2 hrs awAy
Had my bag and carseat all in the bag just incase
I accepted invite but with a proviso that I couldn't guarantee being their but would try depending how i felt
I kind of secretly hoped ds would arrive a couple weeks early so could of taken him to meet her as well
Point is I waited until nearer the time to decide

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 24/02/2022 04:32

OP, you sound like a good mum and a lovely friend to have.
She's not a friend at all and you've done right by deciding to let it go and not ask her again.
Focus on your wedding and your other friends. Don't let the wedding or hen be about making her feel a certain way. Do what makes you happy and forget her.
She's a selfish person who has shown you her true colours.

Firstbabyrose · 24/02/2022 05:34

Just from reading some of your replies, and judging how she reacted to your engagement news, does she dislike your partner?

YANBU because I think 3 weeks prior to her due date isn't too bad, especially with it being a first pregnancy.. both my girls would have been late if I hadn't have been induced on my due dates! ...maybe there's just another reason she doesn't want to go, or she's just not the friend you thought she was

cocktailclub · 24/02/2022 06:04

I'm so sorry you have had this experience. She's used you whether it was deliberate or not. Maybe she hid her true selfishness from you before.
I would take it as a lucky escape now and walk away as she's not a friend.

I have had a similar experience with a 'best friend' of many years who is only there for the good times but disappears when you really need her. I no longer bother to contact her.

TDCtomorrow · 24/02/2022 08:33

She sounds like a shit friend TBH and I'd be telling her this and walking away from this one sided friendship

ChargingBuck · 24/02/2022 09:39

Don’t make a fuss when baby is born. Yes, it’s obviously in your nature to be nice ( verging on people pleasing?) but you need to draw a line for yourself and what you’re willing to put up with.

Quite.
A simple text will do - "congratulations."
And don't bother with any baby shower or christening that babyZilla is planning. Tell her you cannot possibly attend her celebrations, because you "don't want to be involved".

CrankyFrankie · 24/02/2022 10:38

She’s a shite friend, now you know. It does sound like she maybe has some unaired grudge against you. This sucks for you OP but now you can concentrate on worthier friendships.

Lostinmiddleage · 24/02/2022 13:37

I think she’s unreasonable and thoughtless. To say she’ll play it by ear would be one thing, to outright say that she’s not doing any thing is odd, particularly as you did so much. Surely she can be part of a hen do too?