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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 21/02/2022 21:54

She could still be like a sister to you OP, lots of sisters take their siblings for granted & are super inconsiderate of their feelings.
If you're so close, just tell her how you feel. Then you'll know either way - is this an unequal relationship where she is dominating you & taking the piss, or is she just insensitive & lazy, or is she genuinely not feeling able to come to your wedding due to pregnancy/newborn issues like anxiety & v sad about it?
Be open with her, you are best friends after all. She will be honest.

DrManhattan · 21/02/2022 21:55

Ouch. She doesn't sound very nice. No she doesn't have to attend and do all that stuff to help out but she could at least talk it through with you.
I wouldn't be bothering with her from now on. Concentrate on your family and plans. Take care x

Original poster
1gem86 · 21/02/2022 22:00

Thanks everyone. Her due date is a few weeks after my wedding

I did try to get her to see how she feels closer to the wedding & I won't be expecting her to be a bridesmaid anymore if she doesn't want to So she can wear anything comfortable or if the baby was to be here I would go out of my way to accommodate even for an hour or 2 and she said NO .. they're not coming either way and she doesn't want to be involved in anything anymore 😳

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 21/02/2022 22:04

She sounds very dismissive has there been some under rivalry between you.

LaChanticleer · 21/02/2022 22:08

YABU. She has the right to manage her pregnancy as she wishes.

drpet49 · 21/02/2022 22:09

* To be honest, her taking that position so quickly now in the way she has would be friendship ending for me. And I’m not one to usually take that sort of a position. But she doesn’t care about you.*

^This

Original poster
1gem86 · 21/02/2022 22:10

@Bananarama21

She sounds very dismissive has there been some under rivalry between you.
Not really. The only other time ever where I was a little upset was when I got engaged and messaged her she replied with " oh Congratulations " 😂 but I got over it 🤣
OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 21/02/2022 22:11

Did she insist/ pressure you to do those things, or did you do them off your own back? This would be the clincher for me- although I would be hurt if my best friend didn’t want to be involved in any way regardless.

MrsTimRiggins · 21/02/2022 22:14

I don’t think I’d remain friends with someone who cared so little about my life tbh. Saying she’s not sure she’ll be able to make it is one thing (altho if her due date isn’t for several weeks after your wedding, that would still be pretty shit of her!) but just saying basically she wants no part in your wedding at all, or the run up… nah fuck off.

Bananarama21 · 21/02/2022 22:17

I wonder if she thinks she's better than you because she's done it the right way and got married first before getting pregnant the laughing emoji on the oh congratulations says alot. I'd give her a wide berth.

minionsrule · 21/02/2022 22:19

My friend came to my wedding 2 weeks after giving birth having had an emergency section. She lived about an hour away (DH and baby came too).

Original poster
1gem86 · 21/02/2022 22:20

@Bananarama21

I wonder if she thinks she's better than you because she's done it the right way and got married first before getting pregnant the laughing emoji on the oh congratulations says alot. I'd give her a wide berth.
Oh gosh 😅 I've never thought of this 🙈
OP posts:
DetailMouse · 21/02/2022 22:23

If she'll either be pregnant or have a new born the wedding must be practically on the due date. It's unfortunate but at least she's let you know well in advance

Ihearticecream · 21/02/2022 22:24

Have the absolute BEST wedding OP! Make sure to post as much on social media as possible about all the fun you are having! And how amazing your bridesmaids are! And how you couldn’t have wished for anything more!
Wink

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2022 22:26

Not shocking/ overly demanding bride turns into self obsessed mother to be- don’t worry sure you’ll be roped in to plan a gender reveal and baby shower soon enough!

LovePoppy · 21/02/2022 22:31

You planned TWO hens??

Has she always been a taker?

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 21/02/2022 22:33

She sounds like a right bitch op

Chestofdraws · 21/02/2022 22:34

When you say a few weeks after the wedding can you clarify how many weeks after the wedding is she due ?

rosewater20 · 21/02/2022 22:34

I would be honest and let her know that you are hurt because you celebrated her marriage when you had a small baby and you are hurt that she isn't at least attempting to make an effort for you. If she makes it clear that she won't be celebrating your engagement or wedding then I would end the friendship. You seem to value this friendship more than she does.

Please do not throw her a baby shower or go out of your way to celebrate her pregnancy as this will build resentment regarding her lack of effort for you.

Derbee · 21/02/2022 22:38

I think it’s fine for her to prioritise her pregnancy and baby, and say no to coming etc. But I would have done the same if I were you. I wouldn’t have planned 2 hen dos, and left my baby for 4 nights etc.

So I understand feeling like the effort hasn’t been reciprocated, but I think her actions for your wedding are more understandable than your actions for her wedding, in my opinion.

BoldMove · 21/02/2022 22:41

People manage situations differently. You had already had your baby. She might be terrified. I can see your point of view too though. Think maybe you should tell her you feel hurt even so it'll look like you're not being understanding so you can't win really! Its shame she's not willing to wait until nearer the time. Hope you have a wonderful day. Don't let this put a dampener on your bug day.

Mummyof287 · 21/02/2022 22:42

Seems ridiculous to not have seen how she felt nearer the time...i maybe get the not wanting the responsibility or pressure being maid of honour when heavily pregnant or having a newborn, but not going at all when you're such close friends and you're happy to accomodate baby seems very strange and unfair.

Sadly weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes- my best friend of 10yrs who was my maid of honour cut me out of her life suddenly with no explanation afew months after ours.

PinkiOcelot · 21/02/2022 22:42

She sounds like a right selfish, only person to have ever been pregnant or had a baby madam.

UniversalAunt · 21/02/2022 22:43

Hmm, I’d take her at her word, it’s a NO!

But understandably you are surprised & disappointed at her blanket refusal to engage.

As pps have said mebbe it’s taken a lot for her to get pregnant this far so having a safe pregnancy is everything & nothing else is happening until the baby is here.

Mebbe she’s not good at sharing the limelight. You did so much to shine the sun & moon up for her big day, & she’s not up to being there for your hens & wedding when she’s not front stage, just heavily pregnant friend second from the left?

As pp said, your her best friend but she’s not your best friend.

AngelinaFibres · 21/02/2022 22:43

Your friendship was useful to her. She is now married and pregnant. You have sadly served your purpose Op. She is not the friend you hoped she would be.