Page 5 | To be angry at my best friend

BobHadBitchTits · 22/02/2022 07:54

She's not the friend you thought she was.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 08:00

I really don't think I could stop myself from saying that's ok, I understand. X was only Y old when I went on your 4 day hen do and to your wedding and it was hard, I should have done the same really.

Newmumatlast · 22/02/2022 08:05

@1gem86

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

How old was your baby at the time? I think that makes a difference.

I didn't go to anything with a lot of people for the first 8 weeks because of risk to the baby pre jabs. But I would've gone to a best friend's wedding for at least part of the day from maybe 6 weeks post birth if having to travel and 4 weeks if local as my husband could have stayed at home - depending on if my baby took a bottle with expressed milk which my first did and still breastfed too but I have friends whose kids wouldn't.

In terms of when heavily pregnant I am actually due to attend a wedding I have to travel for where I'm maid of honour 2 weeks before my due date. Plan is to attend but I won't be setting up and will have a room to go to for rest so it isnt long day on my feet - don't want to bring on labour. I'm still doing the hen and other bits. I have warned friend I may have to not attend last minute if I have the baby early which she understands as well as the possibility I might go into labour just before.

My friend doesnt expect this but she is a good friend. I also tend to have good pregnancies and travel with work anyway.

Jobseeker19 · 22/02/2022 08:06

If I'm honest I think you are angry at yourself.

You pushed yourself and put her first when you didn't have to. And now that she isn't putting you first its making you question if you should've put her first when you did.

I have done the same with work. Left my sick children with family and gone in feeling guilty. Then seeing co-workers not come in when their children were ill even if the had childcare.

It made me question myself and I felt like a bad mum. But I'm not. I knew they would be ok and safe, the same as you knew your child would be happy and safe.

I think it shows that we are people pleasers and don't like to let people down. But sometimes we should put ourselves and our family first.

See this as a turning point that you will not force yourself to be uncomfortable and inconvenience your family just to make someone else happy. She is not even entertaining the idea that she might go.

LunaLivia · 22/02/2022 08:14

I attended a friend’s big birthday celebrations just before my due date. I still remember trying to manoeuvre my bump past a long row of chairs as I was a bit late
Your friend is being mean to not even see how she feels at the time. Fair enough not being the maid of honour, but to not come to your hen, even for a few hours, or to be a wedding guest is not the behaviour of a best friend.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 08:19

@secular39

That's why it's good to be selfish with your friend. People like this have a pattern and I have a feeling that you put more into the friendship than she did. Let this be a lesson learnt, do not fall head over heels over people, I.e. do everything for them in expense of your mental, emotional and physical well being and time when they are likely to give anything back.

Don't let her know your upset, just saw aww that's ok and that's that. When she has the baby, do not go over to her house all the time, tell her your busy or on a honey moon or whatever. She'll soon learn her lesson.

Good advice.

You were way overly invested and clearly did far, far too much.

She is not your best friend and she sounds like she barely likes you.

You were someone so anxious to please her you left your baby for 4 days and she is making a big point that she certainly wouldn't do that for you.

I mean this kindly but have some self respect and step right back and do not allow yourself to be so used again.

whenthedoveslie · 22/02/2022 08:24

@Shamoo

To be honest, her taking that position so quickly now in the way she has would be friendship ending for me. And I’m not one to usually take that sort of a position. But she doesn’t care about you.

This.

Lordamighty · 22/02/2022 08:26

Exactly what Billy1966 said.
You did too much for her & she isn’t going to do the same for you.
Take it as a life lesson OP & don’t give anyone so much of yourself again, certainly not at the expense of your own family.

notheretoplay · 22/02/2022 08:28

*And not being harsh but you made your choice, she has made hers. Imagine if you quit your job to attend her wedding because you couldn't get the day off?
You couldn't then expect her to do the same just because you did it for her.

I wouldn't leave my baby (if I didn't want to) just to be a good friend. I wouldn't even consider it. She's already drawn her line, no sense you being a resentful because you didn't draw yours.*

I was literally going to say the same thing. I think it’s a bit sad but she doesn’t have to leave her baby just because you did. I know you’ve said you can accommodate her and baby but again, if she still doesn’t want that then what can you do? Bit of a pisstake that she won’t even show her face but she’s allowed to do whatever makes her comfortable

Ogel · 22/02/2022 08:28

She's been very blunt about it, one of my close friends had a wedding a few weeks after I gave birth- was always I'd love to go but will have to see, I didn't in the end but arranged an afternoon tea type thing when she was back from honeymoon and we looked through photos etc and it was lovely. Not ideal as I'd have loved to be there but was really poorly after- to just say not be involved in anything and put forward no ideas or anything I'd question what sort of friend she was. Plenty of ways to say no to the hen and wedding whilst not being so blunt and taking zero interest.

Summersnake · 22/02/2022 08:29

It’s a life lesson for you ,this is
Just because you go the extra mile ,putting others before yourself,dosnt mean they will do the same to you .
I learned this the hard way ,always loyal to friends always fighting their corner ,but none of them fought mine when I needed it .
Always put family first

Original poster

1gem86 · 22/02/2022 08:35

Thank you everyone

For those asking .. she didn't struggle to get pregnant and she isn't an anxious person normally. If she was she'd say.

Also 6 weeks before her due date they will be going on a "baby moon " a few hours drive for a couple of nights.
Her mum lives 2 hours drive from her and she drives there every week and I expect she'll do it until the baby arrives... so in my opinion 40 mins for a few hours at your friends wedding isn't too much to ask.

And for those saying that she is allowed to do what she wants when pregnant .. I completely agree. I'm not doing to force her to come. I'm just really upset by it.
Have cried to one of my friends about it this morning and she's made me feel a lot better. It's time I concentrate on my own wedding & no way I won't be planning her baby shower.. she didn't plan mine either x

OP posts:

Teach234 · 22/02/2022 08:35

I imagine she will be fine to attend the baby shower she probably wants you to arrange around the time of your wedding.

GreyGoose1980 · 22/02/2022 08:42

If her due date is a few weeks after the wedding she is being unreasonable OP!

SnakeLinguine · 22/02/2022 08:44

I agree with @Jobseeker19 that you’re angry with yourself, OP. You ignored your own wishes when you had a small baby out of obligation, and you feel she should equally ignore her own wishes because you did, Her text has upset you because it makes you realise she doesn’t view your. friendship as a matter of obligation and ‘shoulds’.

I do agree the message was tactless, though.

Piglet89 · 22/02/2022 08:45

Selfish. Bin her.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 08:46

Start focusing on your other friends.

Step firmly away.

This is not someone to rely on.

Your update makes it very clear that she is doing this to hurt you.

Whatever her reason, she wants you put firmly in your place.

You have completely misjudged her.

In an effort to reestablish self respect, do not mention the wedding to her again.

Show absolutely no upset about her going.

Focus on any other friends going forward.
You have wasted and spent far too much time on someone who isn't a friend.

Has she many friends with children?
If not, she may well reappear as her pregnancy grows and she wants to use you some more.

Be busy and unavailable.

After all you have done, she has chosen to dismiss your wedding, and deliberately hurt you.

She is not a friend.

The sooner you get that the better.

Learn from this.

Putting yourself out so much when you had a new baby was a huge lapse of judgement and if you have any cop on you will explore why you would do that?

If you don't learn from this experience, you will be used again.

DottyHarmer · 22/02/2022 08:46

It’s a bizarre response from the friend - surely you’d say you’d love to be there or hope to make it, but you’ll be nine months pregnant so….Not just a blanket No.

I had this sort of thing with what I thought was a very good friend. When I had dcs I always left them behind, politely never mentioned them etc. But when she had dcs it was the polar opposite. It made me feel like a mug and also that it was some reflection on me: that she would never go anywhere without dcs in tow and that she really loved her dcs as she talked about them constantly, unlike me. Dh had a similar situation, too. He went to the football with someone who, when he had a baby, gave up going and said to Dh, “I love my dw and dc more than you do.” Dh never spoke to him again.

BubblesThaDragoon · 22/02/2022 08:49

I’d ditch her and give her a wife beth from now on - shes shown you how much she values your friendship.

Her response is bizarre and self absorbed - however some people get like this when they have kids.

Charley50 · 22/02/2022 08:49

@Jobseeker19

If I'm honest I think you are angry at yourself.

You pushed yourself and put her first when you didn't have to. And now that she isn't putting you first its making you question if you should've put her first when you did.

I have done the same with work. Left my sick children with family and gone in feeling guilty. Then seeing co-workers not come in when their children were ill even if the had childcare.

It made me question myself and I felt like a bad mum. But I'm not. I knew they would be ok and safe, the same as you knew your child would be happy and safe.

I think it shows that we are people pleasers and don't like to let people down. But sometimes we should put ourselves and our family first.

See this as a turning point that you will not force yourself to be uncomfortable and inconvenience your family just to make someone else happy. She is not even entertaining the idea that she might go.

Very good point. And friend is being a bitch.

Nishkin · 22/02/2022 08:52

@BubblesThaDragoon ‘wife Beth’ is a excellent typo in this thread!
@1gem86 you sound absolutely lovely- wish you were my friend- agree with posters saying leave her to it. Concentrate on the friends who value you

Figgygal · 22/02/2022 08:54

What a way to find out your friends true colours
She generally sounds like she cant be arsed and id say she doesnt realise she might ruin a friendship over it but she might be so self invested that she just doesnt care

PainterMummy · 22/02/2022 08:58

How hurtful. Often fine line between hurt and angry. Do tell her how hurt you are. Then cut her loose. This is the start of her new behaviour. Baby isn’t even here yet.

Thewindwhispers · 22/02/2022 09:00

I wouldn’t go to a wedding heavily pregnant or with a newborn, so I can see why she doesn’t want to. If you felt that you had to out of friendship, that was up to you, but I’d never have left my baby for one night let alone 4!! That was your call not hers, she doesn’t have to make the same decision. But as others have said oerhaos there is more going on here, maybe she’s competitive or maybe she just thinks it’s weird to marry when you’re already a mum and settled down, who knows. Who cares, let her do what she wants.

Have a lovely wedding OP and try not to focus on this.

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 09:05

What you did when pregnant and what others say they did when pregnant is irrelevant, this woman doesn’t feel comfortable with going to a wedding whilst 8 months pregnant and that’s what matters.

If your issue is ‘well, I did it for her” YABU. Surely you do things for others because you want to, not so you are banking some payback.