Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 21/02/2022 22:44

I can definitely see her not wanting to be bridesmaid or maid of honour as chances are she could be in labour or have a tiny newborn but I can’t see why she can’t come as guest unless she feels bad about letting you down last minute.

I wonder if she’s feeling overwhelmed by everything or she’s feeling uncomfortable in herself and doesn’t want cameras on her.

I would feel very hurt as it doesn’t seem to like she’s that sorry about it.

JellybabyGina87 · 21/02/2022 22:45

Most women wouldn't leave their baby for 4 nights. I find that more unusual than her not wanting to attend your wedding to be honest. She should go your wedding if there's no travel involved or overnight stays but I don't think you should expect her to commit to it as you did to hers as I don't think many mothers would. You have your priorities all wrong.

UniversalAunt · 21/02/2022 22:46

Agree about not getting roped into baby shower etc, ‘cos you are already organising the best wedding ever!

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 22:47

I knew she was some form of Zilla as soon as you mentioned 2 hens over 4 nights OP.

Sorry she has hurt your feelings

NorthSouthcatlady · 21/02/2022 22:48

This sounds like my ex best “friend”. I organised her hen do, assisted with wedding plans and was her bridesmaid. Time goes by and then it’s my turn to get married. She doesn’t show any interest in the hen do at all, doesn’t organise it and pulls out at the last minute as she’s pregnant. Reluctantly comes to my wedding and had a face on her. I then have fertility problems, she takes every opportunity to say how much harder she has it than me as she has 2 under 2. Very keen to say she spends a lot of money on childcare Our IVF fails she seems bored by this. Needless to say we aren’t friends anymore. It may well be time for you to cut your losses

FairyCakeWings · 21/02/2022 22:50

I’m not surprised you’re upset OP, that’s horrible of her. She’s a shit friend and you deserve a better one.

HiJenny35 · 21/02/2022 22:52

I don't know, I mean if she begged you to do all you did and asked you to leave baby because she needed you there then that's one thing, if you just did it all because you felt like you should that's another. It was your choice you can't now say "I left my baby" you should have said no at the time, it was very reasonable to say no the same as she's very reasonable to say she doesn't feel happy attending a wedding either very heavily pregnant or just had a baby. She's possibly thinking about not wanting to be around a lot of people and all the germs immediately before giving birth with the covid situation still not over. I think it's also better that's she's been honest now rather than string you along. You did what you felt you should, she's doing what she feels she should, end of, if you feel that you need to step back from the friendship that's also fine but I don't think she's really done anything wrong.

Juniper68 · 21/02/2022 22:59

It really depends whether you were asked to do all that for her wedding?

If not she isn't a best friend. I'd give her a wide berth.

FurbleSocks · 21/02/2022 23:06

Something similar happened with my ex best friend. Weddings can really bring the best or worst out in people.

The friend who stepped up and did organise my hen has now been my best friend for over a decade. I do not regret the ex being an ex! It gave other friends the opportunity to shine. Now I look back I was always the one bending over backwards and she did hardly anything. So it taught me a valuable lesson. From maid of honour at hers to never seeing her again because she couldn't be bothered to come to my wedding.

PurpleDaisies · 21/02/2022 23:08

Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do ..

I’m sorry but this really isn’t what friends do. Did she put pressure on you to do this?

PJsAndRainyDays · 21/02/2022 23:12

She sounds like she's quite jealous of you and can't handle seeing you get attention.

lechatnoir · 21/02/2022 23:12

Honestly, it sounds like the friendship is all but over so I'd be telling her how I felt: "I appreciate you've got other things on your mind & want to step down from MoH duties & that's absolutely fine, but to so openly dismiss everything about mine & not even keep an open mind about attending (even though you might not have even had the baby by then) feels like a massive fuck off. Is that what this is?"

notsohippychick · 21/02/2022 23:13

I don’t think she can handle not being in the limelight.

Beautiful3 · 21/02/2022 23:15

I honestly don't think she's being awkward at all. I attended a wedding at 8 months pregnant, i felt like shit and my feet were so swollen i had to buy new shoes. I felt miserable. The second time I was invited to a wedding with duties, when I just had a new born. I thought I'd be fine, but I wasn't fine. I had post natal depression and didn't want to leave the baby. Honestly looking back on it, I wish I'd said no I'm not attending to begin with. So I think your friend said the right thing.

PurpleDaisies · 21/02/2022 23:16

It’s really interesting that on any thread with a pregnant woman saying she doesn’t want to go to a wedding, she’s supported by the vast majority of posters. This one has gone totally differently.

momls20 · 21/02/2022 23:21

She's a selfish twat. I wouldn't be planning her a baby shower if I were you

PurpleDaisies · 21/02/2022 23:23

What happened to it’s an invitation not a summons?

heyitsthistle · 21/02/2022 23:23

Forty minutes is nothing. And it's before the babies due, too. Sure, the baby could come early or she might be in labour but come for an hour or two at least!

I'd be very disappointed with her response.

annaB2 · 21/02/2022 23:29

For those saying she has every right to not go, especially with her due date etc. yes 100%, it's entirely up to her.

But the way she has spoken to OP, and just so easily and casually dismissed her wedding shows her true colours.

Like someone else said, you served a purpose to her but now she doesn't need you anymore. It's so sad but honestly, in a couple of years down the line you'll be so grateful you didn't waste anymore time on her. I'd say once her baby arrives it'll be like she's the first in the world to have a baby too!

Madge55 · 21/02/2022 23:31

I think she is being really selfish. I get that she might feel like a bloated elephant come the day, but she won't be like that for the whole of the next 9 months, so for her to say she is opting out of everything is a kicker. Might be good to tell her how you feel about that statement. Say it plainly and without anger but tell her you're sorry she doesn't want to be involved at all in your big day especially since as her friend you feel you (happily) contributed so much to hers but you can see now the vast difference in your individual approach to friendship is and you feel really hurt by her lack of interest/care toward you is. Wish her well with her pregnancy and leave it at that. It will be up to her then to respond, her answer will tell you alot about the future of this 'friendship' but I suspect it won't be the same.

Suzi9989 · 21/02/2022 23:36

Sorry this happened to you. At least you know what kind of person she is and do not invest your emotions into this friendship.

Hope you have a magical day

EveryAvenue · 21/02/2022 23:36

When is the due date and when is the wedding?

poTAYtoes · 21/02/2022 23:36

I don't love attending weddings, but if a good friend had done as much for my wedding as you've done for hers, I'd do what I could to make her wedding special, too.

Obviously she can do "manage her pregnancy" however she likes, but it's very selfish of her to dismissively decide right away that she wants nothing to do with your wedding! It seems like she didn't even have the decency or grace to sound apologetic or say that she'll have to wait and see how she's feeling closer to the date. Not how a friend should behave.

dancingdaisies · 21/02/2022 23:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Tillow4ever · 21/02/2022 23:48

Year’s ago when I fell pregnant with my first baby, the due date was my friends wedding day. The exact day. I spoke to her and said I'd do everything in my power to attend, but if she didn't want to include us in the numbers to be on the safe side I'd completely understand. She was more than happy for us to play it by ear - and we did, baby was a week early so I just checked she was ok with us bringing the baby too and still attended.

My point is, that for a friend who in school was a best friend, but by then was someone I saw once or twice a year, I was willing to move heaven and earth to find a way of attending her wedding. The only thing that would have stopped me would have been if I was in labour, or had given birth within the previous 24-48 hours. Your BEST friend is due a few weeks after your wedding and wants to pull out completely? With no way of knowing how she will be feeling at that stage etc, not even willing to try and ask if you can be flexible for her based on how she's doing? I'm sorry OP but it sounds like your friendship means more to you than it does to her. Alternatively, it could be that's she's worried she could ruin the wedding if she's unwell/in labour/had the baby - I.e. has to pull out at the last minute. You know her better than us - does that sound like it could be the issue?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11