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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 09:08

Did she actually refuse as bluntly as you're stating it here, OP, or did she apologise and ask for your understanding? If it's the former, I'm going to hazard a guess that there's something more going on here. Has she previously had miscarriages that have made her nervous about being pregnant again? Have you had any disagreements – was she a Bridezilla? It just sounds really brutal for her to refuse to come and like there's an underlying issue.

User76745333 · 22/02/2022 09:11

She may well feel completely differently as the time draws nearer and if you say she can bring her baby then she might still attend.

I didn't go to my best friend's wedding. DS1 was 2 weeks old and I was exclusively breast feeding and the wedding was in the middle of nowhere hundreds of miles from where we live. I would have loved to attend but she said I couldn't bring the baby. So it was effectively her choice. Neither could I attend the hen night due to being heavily pregnant and the nature of the activities. We didn't really speak for two years (drifted rather than an actual row).

Justilou1 · 22/02/2022 09:15

@1gem86 - I think you need to completely reevaluate your relationship with this person from a more objective perspective. I think she has completely compartmentalised her life. I bet she has other friends with whom she invests more time and attention because they are either part of what she perceives to be her new “married/baby” social life now, or because she considers them to have more social status than you. She wouldn’t dream of asking them give up their precious time to run around after her like a well-trained labrador organizing hens events, bridal showers, wedding crap, etc…. They’re far too busy and important, but it wouldn’t occur to her that your time might be valuable. You’re the old faithful. She holds others on a pedestal, but you’re on the bottom step looking up at her. I suspect if you look closely at your friendship, there will be a history of backhanded compliments and controlling behaviour designed to keep you exactly where she needs you.
Believe it or not, her self-esteem is so bad that it is dependent on making you feel worse. I believe this woman is highly competitive, and by establishing a relationship first, she she probably felt abandoned by you. Now she is returning the favour because you have served your purpose.

Just let her go and be happy. I imagine she will wonder WTF when she starts hearing from other people about events she has missed out on. Just don’t engage. It’s like feeding the gremlins after midnight.

TabithaHazel · 22/02/2022 09:19

@1gem86

Thanks everyone.

I guess you're right. She's just like a sister to me so I thought I would do whatever was asked of me (as hard as it was ) as I was convinced she'd do the same.

I would've loved for her to see how she feels nearer the time or at least attend the ceremony or the meal. Just a few hours

I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind

I thought I would do whatever was asked of me (as hard as it was ) as I was convinced she'd do the same

This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship from your end. There is no way I would have left my baby for 4 nights for a hen do/wedding. One night or two at a push. I say good for her for putting her child first, but I actually think that maybe she is using this as an excuse to break ties with you as it all sounds very intense.

Bellie710 · 22/02/2022 09:23

My friend attended my wedding at 8 months pregnant and went into labour, she ended up away from home in a hospital for 2 weeks with her baby but nothing would have stopped her coming. My baby was 4 weeks old at her wedding, it wasn't easy and I missed big chunks of the day while away feeding etc but I would not have missed it for anything.

GalactatingGoddess · 22/02/2022 09:23

I had a similar situation, and ended the friendship because of it. Too much time and effort given on my part and an utter lack of respect and consideration on hers.

Maybe just give this friendship a bit of time, she could just be in panic mode and heavy planning for baby, and may settle down as she gets into it but don't pin your hopes on her.

TronDeReplay · 22/02/2022 09:23

What on earth is wrong with saying "oh Congratulations" as a response to being told someone's engaged?!

Enough4me · 22/02/2022 09:24

Thanks for posting this OP as it's good to know I'm not the only one in the situation. I am currently backing away from a friend who I always end up running about for who doesn't for me. I organised her 40th and then ended up organising my own when she said she would but then was 'too busy', before this she didn't bother getting my DC birthday cards or gifts until she had a DS and wanted me to get him big gifts. It's the same pattern over and over of her needs and priorities trumping mine.

I'm nicely backing away from my 'friend', send nice replies, best wishes, but no more running around or fitting around her!

PetalLeaves · 22/02/2022 09:30

OP you’ve done nothing wrong at all other than be an amazing friend. I’ve also recently learnt this the hard way too, but sometimes friendships can be one sided and toxic. Step away from this friendship immediately as it will only get worse from here and will filter into your children as well. I bet you she’ll be the type of friend to constantly show off about her kids or complain about your kids whilst hers are angels etc.

If your friend has a change of heart and apologises profusely then maybe you can reconsider, but for now focus on your other friends and have fun planning your wedding. Congratulations!

BoodleBug51 · 22/02/2022 09:31

You sound like a really nice person OP to have put so much into her wedding.

She sounds a nightmare, to be frank, and very ME ME ME. I'd let it drift, because she won't put herself out for you. That's no friend, it's a user.

PetalLeaves · 22/02/2022 09:34

[quote Justilou1]@1gem86 - I think you need to completely reevaluate your relationship with this person from a more objective perspective. I think she has completely compartmentalised her life. I bet she has other friends with whom she invests more time and attention because they are either part of what she perceives to be her new “married/baby” social life now, or because she considers them to have more social status than you. She wouldn’t dream of asking them give up their precious time to run around after her like a well-trained labrador organizing hens events, bridal showers, wedding crap, etc…. They’re far too busy and important, but it wouldn’t occur to her that your time might be valuable. You’re the old faithful. She holds others on a pedestal, but you’re on the bottom step looking up at her. I suspect if you look closely at your friendship, there will be a history of backhanded compliments and controlling behaviour designed to keep you exactly where she needs you.
Believe it or not, her self-esteem is so bad that it is dependent on making you feel worse. I believe this woman is highly competitive, and by establishing a relationship first, she she probably felt abandoned by you. Now she is returning the favour because you have served your purpose.

Just let her go and be happy. I imagine she will wonder WTF when she starts hearing from other people about events she has missed out on. Just don’t engage. It’s like feeding the gremlins after midnight.[/quote]
Nailed it. This also perfectly describes my “friend” Grin

morechocolateneededtoday · 22/02/2022 09:35

I can understand her not planning the hen and even not being maid of honour to avoid letting you down if she went into labour early/wasn't able to come for an unforseen reason to do with pregnancy or baby.

However, the response to drop out entirely and rule out the possibility of attending is selfish and I would be reconsidering the friendship given how much you did for her

Cakecakecheese · 22/02/2022 09:35

@TronDeReplay

What on earth is wrong with saying "oh Congratulations" as a response to being told someone's engaged?!
@TronDeReplay there was a laughing emoji.
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/02/2022 09:37

@LaChanticleer

YABU. She has the right to manage her pregnancy as she wishes.
Of course the ‘friend’ has the right to manage her pregnancy as she wishes. However, she doesn’t need to be rude and dismissive about it
BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 09:37

I bet she has other friends with whom she invests more time and attention because they are either part of what she perceives to be her new “married/baby” social life now, or because she considers them to have more social status than you. She wouldn’t dream of asking them give up their precious time to run around after her like a well-trained labrador organizing hens events, bridal showers, wedding crap, etc…

Now you’re just making stuff up.

She’s a mum to be who doesn’t want to go to a wedding 8 months pregnant. That’s all.

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 09:38

However, she doesn’t need to be rude and dismissive about it

Which we don’t actually know has happened.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/02/2022 09:40

@PurpleDaisies

What happened to it’s an invitation not a summons?
Because generally when receiving an invite you don’t want or can’t go to, you politely decline. And not go out of your way to hurt and offend when declining
GemmaAlone · 22/02/2022 09:41

OP, did she ask you to do so much for her wedding? Or did you decide to do it "because that's what friends do"?

I'd feel completely suffocated by a friend who did that, and I would think they were a bit odd for being happy to leave their baby for four nights in order to attend my wedding (I wouldn't have left my babies for four minutes for a wedding). Unless I were even odder and expected and asked them to do so.

I don't really hold with the "she's like a sister" business, either. Friends are just friends, and are essentially dispensable (unlike sisters).

PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 09:42

Because generally when receiving an invite you don’t want or can’t go to, you politely decline. And not go out of your way to hurt and offend when declining

So she was deliberately trying to hurt and offend the op now.

There’s so much projection on this thread.

TronDeReplay · 22/02/2022 09:46

@TronDeReplay there was a laughing emoji.

Not in what the OP quoted. She said "Oh Congratulations" then the OP added laughing emojis:

_
Not really. The only other time ever where I was a little upset was when I got engaged and messaged her she replied with " oh Congratulations " 😂 but I got over it 🤣

ChakaFridaMendips · 22/02/2022 09:48

@morechocolateneededtoday

I can understand her not planning the hen and even not being maid of honour to avoid letting you down if she went into labour early/wasn't able to come for an unforseen reason to do with pregnancy or baby.

However, the response to drop out entirely and rule out the possibility of attending is selfish and I would be reconsidering the friendship given how much you did for her

This. She could come on the hen do or offer to come to a celebration lunch or at least offer you an afternoon to talk wedding planning. She’s vampired out what she needed from the relationship and moved on to the next victim. Don’t get suckered in to her next drama now you have noticed.
AllOfUsAreDead · 22/02/2022 09:55

I imagine this friendship has been one sided for quite a while, you've just never noticed.

And two hens? What does she think she is, a princess? Hmm

Amnotamug · 22/02/2022 09:58

Your friend is rude and very selfish! It sounds like one way traffic…definitely give her a very wide berth !
I attended a wedding,250 miles away when heavily pregnant .The bride was my best friend…we met in Oz and she is from NZ …absolutely no way was I going to miss her wedding.

RachelGreeneGreep · 22/02/2022 09:59

Leaving aside the situation itself for a moment, sometimes we suddenly have a revelation about a friend. It doesn't necessarily make them bad, or users or whatever else.

We just suddenly realise that the friendship is not what it was. Or maybe what we ever thought it was. It's happened to most people at some point. It has definitely happened to me.

Don't let it spoil the excitement and the planning for your wedding. Have a ball!

NewYearNewMinty · 22/02/2022 10:01

She’s a mum to be who doesn’t want to go to a wedding 8 months pregnant. That’s all.

It's not just that though...she's literally told the OP she wants no involvement with the wedding whatsoever.

There would be nothing stopping her saying 'I don't know/might not feel comfortable attending but would you like me to make some enquiries about hen venues, do some research into gifts for the other attendants for you...etc"

There are plenty of ways you can get involved from the comfort of your own sofa if it's a good friend and you're willing to make an effort.

If I had a longstanding friend I was that close to and there were other issues at play, I'd tell then.

It strikes me that she was expecting all the attention to be on her in the run up to having her baby and has got the hump that that's no longer the case.