Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
Wnkingawalrus · 22/02/2022 00:08

The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives...

Most people are still commuting at least this distance at a couple of weeks before their due date. I was still doing spin classes (an hour away from my house) at 39 weeks. Many people have a longer trip to the hospital than that.

Two friends bought their hospital bags to my wedding. I wouldn’t even class them as super close friends.

She’s being a twat but the whole pregnancy still sounds very new to her. OP I would just ignore it, assume she won’t be a bridesmaid and then revisit whether she wants to come to the wedding in a couple of months. Sounds like she’s looking for problems that currently don’t exist.

Rosehugger · 22/02/2022 00:08

Loads of friends got married not long after I had DD1, we dragged her, sometimes with DPs in tow to step in for the evening, all around the countryside to attend friends' weddings. She could at least make the effort.

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/02/2022 00:34

would go out of my way to accommodate even for an hour or 2 and she said NO .. they're not coming either way and she doesn't want to be involved in anything anymore

The only other time ever where I was a little upset was when I got engaged and messaged her she replied with " oh Congratulations " 😂 but I got over it

Think long, hard and honestly. In the past has it been a genuine two way friendship of equals, or has she always been the one who expected you to dance attendance on her but she hasn't reciprocated?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 22/02/2022 01:11

I would take great enjoyment from ignoring any messages from the “friend” about baby showers, gender reveal parties etc and showing as little interest in her news as she has in yours.
Do please revisit the thread after the wedding and let us know if she sent a card and/or gift for the wedding. For me, if I didn’t get a congratulations card for my wedding, she wouldn’t be getting a congratulations card for the baby.

UnsuitableHat · 22/02/2022 04:55

I think it depends on what sort of friend she is generally - do you see her as a bit of a ‘taker’ and has she got form for being a bit thoughtless? If you think she’s just (for example) being over-cautious, maybe cut her a bit of slack and respect her decision for now. Her blanket ‘no’ to coming at all does sound over the top but it’s how she feels at the moment. I guess if this situation has opened your eyes to her being a ‘bad friend’ generally, that’s different.

Sweetdealer · 22/02/2022 05:08

My best friend dropped being a bridesmaid and didn’t come to the hen party because she was heavily pregnant but she came to the wedding and stayed over in the hotel. She had a brilliant time. It seems a shame she is so black and white now. Don’t put yourself out for a baby shower. I’d say she doesn’t view you as a friend really

phishy · 22/02/2022 05:19

I would be taking a massive step back from her.

Don't do her any favours and don't feel you have to gush over her pregnancy and baby.

autienotnaughty · 22/02/2022 05:21

I would do same for my best friend in your shoes and whilst I wouldn't expect a her to be maid of honour or go to hen do. She could absolutely still have been involved and just attended what ever felt comfortable and she could have helped with organising. It sounds like you are not as important to her as she is to you.

ittakes2 · 22/02/2022 05:42

I could absolutely see what you mean - until you said her due date was a few weeks after the wedding. At 38 weeks pregnant I guess I would want to be able to go to the nearest hospital - not 40 miles away. But honestly if you were my best friend I would have avoided trying to get pregnant so that my due date fell so close to your wedding date.

FarangGirl · 22/02/2022 06:25

It's not nice. Obviously, if she's having a hard pregnancy or complications and can't make it that'd be fine. And even more obviously if she has a premature birth then that's a given that the baby would be top priority. But the chances of that happening are low. Chances are she'll be perfectly fine to attend at 35-36 weeks. Pregnancy isn't an illness!!
Fair enough to bow out of extra duties but to decide not to attend now? When the due date is a few weeks after the wedding? That's not on and unfair to you. Even more hurtful given the lengths you went to for her.
Like others have said, she was a bridezilla and now it seems like she's a PFBzilla.

Justilou1 · 22/02/2022 06:31

I think that she thinks all the attention should be on her and her new baby. She’s loved the limelight with her wedding and all the hoohaa involved and is not remotely interested in sharing the load. She’s expressed no genuine excitement for @1gem86 at all. What a friend.

Justilou1 · 22/02/2022 06:31

When her baby is born, I’d return the favour and text back “Congratulations” and leave her dangling.

Staryflight445 · 22/02/2022 06:36

‘ minionsrule

My friend came to my wedding 2 weeks after giving birth having had an emergency section. She lived about an hour away (DH and baby came too).’

Can we all agree that not doing that doesn’t make you a bad friend.

stayathomer · 22/02/2022 06:48

I'd agree its awful, playing devils advocate though, some people honestly can't see the woods for the trees and can't see themselves being able to do anything while pregnant or when they have the baby. She could possibly be having a horrible pregnancy. It's up to you whether you can be okay with that. Congratulations on everything OP and try to enjoy anyway Flowers

Onlyforcake · 22/02/2022 06:49

she's convinced herself she can't handle events at all, to be honest considering she needed you for 2 he en parties and four nights away from your own child she doesn't sound like someone who takes to things without support. If you carry on giving the level of support she will apparently carry on taking. Time for her to put her big girl pants on, take the time to put your needs and your family's needs first.

Divebar2021 · 22/02/2022 07:07

I don’t think she can handle not being in the limelight

I think it’s this personally. However even if we are giving her the benefit of the doubt there are ways of approaching the subject without being so rude. You’d surely say “
I’m nervous about being MOH but I’m really keeping my fingers crossed I can be there” or some other positive / hopeful comment not just a blanket no. A nice person would want to be there even if they were doubtful about actually making it. Being pregnant doesn’t entitle you to be rude.

GracieLouFreebushh · 22/02/2022 07:08

I think she's telling you that she doesn't care abut you nd you need to listen
Pp advised to cut your losses and I think that is the best thing for you to do

I wouldn't make it into a big discussion I would just freeze her out and enjoy yourself

pilates · 22/02/2022 07:11

She is not a good friend. I probably would not be able to forgive.

Waddlegoose · 22/02/2022 07:27

I would say to her not to make any rash decisions as you don’t have to give final numbers until x date.

She could be very hormonal and self involved right now but she could come round to the idea.

I too would be very upset by this as your friendship seems a bit one sided. I would give her 1 more chance once the horomones and idea of being pregnant have settled

PatientlyWaiting21 · 22/02/2022 07:33

@1gem86 she sounds a bit of a dick! Pull her up on her behaviour!

BlondeDogLady · 22/02/2022 07:34

they're not coming either way and she doesn't want to be involved in anything anymore 😳

WOW !!

I've had "friends" like this before. I would get rid.

She knows everything you did for her wedding. She can't be bothered to return the favour. She doesn't even dress it up. She is so rude and dismissive about the whole thing. I would be hurt, insulted and very, very angry.

Op, I'm probably old enough to be your Mum, and if you were my daughter I'd advise you to let this "friendship" drop, because it will always be one way : you giving and her taking.

She doesn't care about you, or your feelings. Don't waste any more time on her. If you were to see her, I guarantee you, that the next 8 months will be all about her pregnancy and there won't be any time speaking about your wedding. Her baby will eclipse everything. Stuff that.

Friendship should be a two way street, with two people giving and taking in equal measure, lifting one another up : not one person being the Queen Bee and the other always in the shadows. Walk away.

wingscrow · 22/02/2022 07:34

Have you thought about the possibility that there is something particularly difficult about her pregnancy? maybe an existing health condition that makes it more of a risk? that could explain this.

If there is nothing like this going on then yes she is unreasonable to not even try to attend the wedding at all and simply not a real friend.

Giraffesandbottoms · 22/02/2022 07:36

I have missed 2 weddings due to pregnancy:

The 1st was 2 days before my due date and 2 hours away. I knew my mother had quick labours so didn’t want the risk/it wasn’t that close of a friend.

The 2nd was a best friend, a week AFTER my due date in another country. Baby actually came on that day 😆

I think 3 weeks before due date and only 40 mins away is pretty safe to attend and she is using it as an excuse to assert her power and how important she is. Some women are simply like this.

malificent7 · 22/02/2022 07:44

Report them but they aren't a friend.
This op has highlighted the terrible gulf between rich and poor in this country.
Having said that, my dds school had a bad ofsted but was great.

malificent7 · 22/02/2022 07:45

Ooops wrong thread!