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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

299 replies

ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:05

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:12

As you can see it’s early morning so it’s playing on my mind.
I am so angry and fed up at how we are made to feel guilty when we do enough for her already.

OP posts:
WelliesWithHeels · 20/02/2022 06:19

I'm so sorry about your FIL's health.
What reason does your BIL give for not helping?

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 20/02/2022 06:20

Well, the bottom line is, if your only car is at your work with you 20 miles away, they’ll have to ask their other son or take cabs.

I have lots of hospital appointments and DP can’t always take me because life just gets in the way sometimes, and so I take a taxi.

Are they pressuring you to get a new 2nd car? Do you want to?

Mumdiva99 · 20/02/2022 06:26

If the car is with you at work 20 miles away you are not being unreasonable. There is no choice. Its not your fault that your other car was written off. Get husband to call them tomorrow to reiterate the situation, apologise for not being able to help (Obviously you don't need to apologise...as you have done nothing wrong....but jist smoothing the way etc), tell them to call DBiL or have to use a taxi.

This is not your problem. Yes your fil diagnosis is a shame. Maybe mil is worried about covid and cabs....but DBiL needs to step up. - I would be asking husband to phone him.....but really it's down to in laws to ask.

KatherineJaneway · 20/02/2022 06:29

YANBU. If you only have one car and it is being used legitimately, BIL should step up or your in laws need to use a taxi. It is very sad he has cancer but not giving him a few lifts is not a withdrawal of you support.

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:29

@WelliesWithHeels

I'm so sorry about your FIL's health. What reason does your BIL give for not helping?
Thank you Wellies. DBIL has the learned helplessness thing, ‘oh Mr chocolate can do it so much better than me’ etc. He has helped once or twice but ‘makes a mess’ of simple tasks that MIL ‘gives up’ and comes back to us.
OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:32

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

Well, the bottom line is, if your only car is at your work with you 20 miles away, they’ll have to ask their other son or take cabs.

I have lots of hospital appointments and DP can’t always take me because life just gets in the way sometimes, and so I take a taxi.

Are they pressuring you to get a new 2nd car? Do you want to?

They are not pressurising us to get a new car….yet.

I have a feeling they’ll try to give us money towards a new one, which we will not accept.

We are waiting until second hand car prices drop which hopefully due to the new reg in March, will start to happen.

OP posts:
tara66 · 20/02/2022 06:35

Do you know they can ask for free hospital transport if certain conditions apply? But they are awful to wait hours for when returning home though - very long waits usually and are usually for people alone who can't manage to stand or walk easily etc. for example. Also there are taxis that only do hospital transport - they are available in London.

GoldenGorilla · 20/02/2022 06:37

You know, I think you have bigger issues here.

You say you had to show them the photo or they wouldn’t have believed you - that’s really weird. Most people don’t need to show family proof!

They didn’t express any concern for how you were. Also weird.

They expect one son to do everything while the other does nothing.

They use guilt and manipulation to try and make you do what they want.

I wonder whether you’d benefit from looking at the stately home threads on mumsnet….lots of support there about how to deal with difficult parents!

loislovesstewie · 20/02/2022 06:39

The bottom line is; you have to work, to get there you need to drive, you have 1 car at the present. None of that is unusual. They will just have to make other arrangements and if that involves a lazy person pulling his finger out at last then that is that.
Don't be guilt-tripped into doing anything else. You have done your bit.

autienotnaughty · 20/02/2022 06:41

I wouldn't make a big thing of we can't do it. Obviously you have explained it will be more difficult and they may have to ask bil more often. Now if they ask and you are free say yes if not apologise and suggest they ask bil/get a taxi. If you are at work 20miles away they cannot expect you to whip up a car.

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:41

@tara66

Do you know they can ask for free hospital transport if certain conditions apply? But they are awful to wait hours for when returning home though - very long waits usually and are usually for people alone who can't manage to stand or walk easily etc. for example. Also there are taxis that only do hospital transport - they are available in London.
I think they have used the hospital transport a couple of times but like you say they are a nightmare to get back, so they refuse now to use it. Thank you anyway 🙂
OP posts:
NumberTheory · 20/02/2022 06:44

You’re worrying about whether you’re being unreasonable, but how can you be being unreasonable when it’s not possible? You don’t have a car to take them in. You can’t do it.

You don’t have to say “You’ll just have to take a cab.”
You just have to say “So sorry, MiL, I wish we could help. Is BiL really not able to help at all?”

BackInMarch2020PreCovid · 20/02/2022 06:46

I’d agree with @GoldenGorilla this isn’t normal PIL behaviour

My immediate thought process is for there to be a discussion with BIL who needs to be told, you need to step up.

I hate unfairness when it comes to supporting family members, one child favoured over others. It BIL dad, so he should be doing his fair share of taxi’ing. Call him out on it. Make him aware that you no long can support and that he now must make time.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/02/2022 06:47

Honestly you need to wake up and get better boundaries.

Based on info in your post it sounds very much like a one way street / they are total pisstakers.

They couldn't even show ANY concern you were in a accident that could have seriously injured you. Think about that for a minute. You'd express concern for a stranger and they couldn't for you...

Ignore all hints - say nothing and do nothing.
If they ask directly for lifts say you can't and give the number of a "good taxi" company.

Sit down and talk to your DH, he sounds a bit of a doormat. You should use this break in the status quo/ 24 hr on call taxi service to reset boundaries.

daretodenim · 20/02/2022 06:47

Don't worry about the car - physically impossible to drive one that doesn't exist. They also can't force you to take money.

How is DH available to drive to every hospital appointment and wherever else they want to go?

But really, everything GoldenGorilla said. You shouldn't have to show photographic evidence of a car crash! And they should have asked how you were before the photo was shown. Minute they heard. You are operating under Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) and they are manipulative.

I don't think any car prices will drop in March, not considerably anyway. No prices will drop in March. Get a stock answer ready: "We're not wanting a second car now" because if they don't offer money/to pay, likely they'll try to get DBIL to offer you a loan of one of his just for their journey (unless he's got classic cars/Porsches).

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/02/2022 06:49

I say this from experience as someone with similarly "expectant" PILs and a similarly "helpless" 😑 BIL.
It took a while to get DH onside but he sees now how messed up it is especially vs my family.

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:49

@Mumdiva99

If the car is with you at work 20 miles away you are not being unreasonable. There is no choice. Its not your fault that your other car was written off. Get husband to call them tomorrow to reiterate the situation, apologise for not being able to help (Obviously you don't need to apologise...as you have done nothing wrong....but jist smoothing the way etc), tell them to call DBiL or have to use a taxi.

This is not your problem. Yes your fil diagnosis is a shame. Maybe mil is worried about covid and cabs....but DBiL needs to step up. - I would be asking husband to phone him.....but really it's down to in laws to ask.

She has used taxis during covid a couple of times, it’s more that since fil found out he had cancer that she drills it in a bit…

It just brasses me off also that she never asked if I was okay.
The accident was Tuesday we went out on Friday.
I know I probably looked ok though shaken up a bit inside, but surely you’d still ask, wouldn’t you, if you knew somebody was involved in an accident ? ?

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 20/02/2022 06:51

Like I said you'd ask a stranger.

There is a lot of fear obligation and guilt going on.
Your perspective is way off normal due to this.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 20/02/2022 06:56

Of course a normal person would ask if you were hurt, shocked, or whiplashed.

Did either of them say a word about you being in the car?

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:57

@Totalwasteofpaper

I say this from experience as someone with similarly "expectant" PILs and a similarly "helpless" 😑 BIL. It took a while to get DH onside but he sees now how messed up it is especially vs my family.
It’s rotten isn’t it ? 😧. I’m trying my best to get dh onside, it works sometimes but I think she senses he’s ‘pulling away’ and finds something else. I think fils cancer has given her a valid reason to turn the screw, and she loves reminding us about it. Poor FIL is at the end of his tether. He doesn’t want to hear about it but when we go out and tries to relax during the meal, she brings it up again and he gets so frustrated. He just wants to forget for a little while.
OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:59

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

Of course a normal person would ask if you were hurt, shocked, or whiplashed.

Did either of them say a word about you being in the car?

Nope.

Would you believe she asked if it was a man or a woman who was driving the other car ???

Like WTF has that got to do with it ?????

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 20/02/2022 07:03

If you need the car to get to work 20 miles away then you can't give them lifts. Simple!

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/02/2022 07:10

she senses he’s ‘pulling away’ and finds something else.

100% correct and textbook behaviour.

My mil also has a strong drive for attention/getting her wants met.
What you need to appreciate is she has had a huge amount of practice at getting what she wants and has "honed her methods"
If you try and change the status quo she won't go along quietly expect REAL emotive manipulative push back.

What does your DH have to say about the fact both of them showed zero fucks about you???

SnowyPetals · 20/02/2022 07:14

You could also try not making the useless BIL the only other option. They must have friends who could drive them? Suggest they expand their repertoire of lift options to more than just their two sons. My mum is in her seventies and regularly drives her friends to hospital appointments. They do other things to support her. They need to stop relying on you for this.