AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

[ChocolateChocolateMint]

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@ChocolateChocolateMint - I want to ring your BIL, and tell him to get his arse in gear and help his parents!!

I hope you are feeling less shaken now.[/quote]
Thank you @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, I am feeling less shaken now, the only thing. I’m shaking with now is anger.

So MIL can't drive? Has she ever driven?

I find non-drivers to be so selfish at the best of times. They have no idea the pressure and stress they can put on others. It's so unfair.

If I were you I would go scorched earth - then again I am feisty and never have a problem standing up for myself. Do they use email? Text message? Text them a long message, I would include that you 'feel hurt that they didn't even think to ask how you were, they didn't care about you, they only cared about not losing their chauffeur'. I would state quite openly that you feel they've taken advantage of you over the years and allowed their other son to escape any responsibilities. And that they will have no option but to rely on BIL now, because you will not be chauffeuring them any longer, you feel you have more than done your duty.

And do not back down.

Look, sometimes you need to 'be cruel to be kind'. Sometimes you simply need to be BLUNT and make it abundantly clear you are unhappy and fed up with them taking the piss. Sometimes, 'scorched earth' is the only way to go, for your sanity sake, and for your marriage to survive. I wish more people would just set straight these cheeky fuckers, even if they are ILs. If you don't, the bitterness, resentment, hurt and exhaustion will affect your marriage and possibly cost it. You need to be BLUNT. Send them a long email or text. They need to know. Oh, they might kick off, but that is on them. And believe me you will feel so much better when you pour your heart out to them and tell them how used you feel and you will not be doing it any longer.

My FIL has prostate cancer. He lives a similar distance to the hospital and sincege had to give up driving usually takes himself there on his mobility scooter. The exception was when he is had radiotherapy. So you could suggest that.

Thank you all for your replies. I will update when I hear more xx

Also, I've been in two serious accidents, both times my car was written off. One time the force of the impact was so severe that my (expensive and well made) bra was cut down the middle by the seat belt from the impact force of the seat belt reflex, and my whiplash was painful, but I was more in shock than anything. It took me a good several days before I snapped out of the daze I was in, I was grieving more for my car than upset about any pain. I still miss that car soooo much. I had PTSD for a long time afterwards, took me a couple of years to get back to driving comfortably. So I very much understand the shaken feeling.

Please, do hold onto that shaking with now is anger feeling and write out a blunt and very clear email/text to them. It needs to stop now, and you need to get it out. CFers don't change unless someone challenges them and reads them the riot act.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

I can’t believe she did that after hearing you were in an accident and your car written off! What does your DH say about it? What did you say to her? I’d be saying, ‘I use our only car for work which is mikes away-you will have to ask DB or get a taxi’.

Does your MIL drive?

@Migrainesbythedozen

So MIL can't drive? Has she ever driven?

I find non-drivers to be so selfish at the best of times. They have no idea the pressure and stress they can put on others. It's so unfair.

If I were you I would go scorched earth - then again I am feisty and never have a problem standing up for myself. Do they use email? Text message? Text them a long message, I would include that you 'feel hurt that they didn't even think to ask how you were, they didn't care about you, they only cared about not losing their chauffeur'. I would state quite openly that you feel they've taken advantage of you over the years and allowed their other son to escape any responsibilities. And that they will have no option but to rely on BIL now, because you will not be chauffeuring them any longer, you feel you have more than done your duty.

And do not back down.

Look, sometimes you need to 'be cruel to be kind'. Sometimes you simply need to be BLUNT and make it abundantly clear you are unhappy and fed up with them taking the piss. Sometimes, 'scorched earth' is the only way to go, for your sanity sake, and for your marriage to survive. I wish more people would just set straight these cheeky fuckers, even if they are ILs. If you don't, the bitterness, resentment, hurt and exhaustion will affect your marriage and possibly cost it. You need to be BLUNT. Send them a long email or text. They need to know. Oh, they might kick off, but that is on them. And believe me you will feel so much better when you pour your heart out to them and tell them how used you feel and you will not be doing it any longer.

No, Mil has never drove, she had lessons years ago but stopped because it was ‘all too much’ …🙄

Yes, blunt is how I need to be ..

I will look into driving miss daisy

No, no, no @ChocolateChocolateMint! You tell your PILs about Driving Miss Daisy and then they look into it.

Also, when you next chat with your DH you might discuss strategies for him to deal with his brother.

... then you step back and out of all of this. Leave it to them to sort out.

Sorry about your accident.

You need to be blunt.

"I'm sorry but we can't take you to your hospital appointments as we now only have one car that I need to get to work. BIL has three cars and it is now his turn to step up and pull his weight". End.

Hi op you sound like great daughter in law and I'm so sorry to hear about your accident. Of course yanbu, but you father in law does sound quite poorly, he might be a lot more poorly than he's letting on so try not to be too angry with your mother in law. I know it's easier said than done.

@Howshouldibehave

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

I can’t believe she did that after hearing you were in an accident and your car written off! What does your DH say about it? What did you say to her? I’d be saying, ‘I use our only car for work which is mikes away-you will have to ask DB or get a taxi’.

Does your MIL drive?

I can’t believe she did that after hearing you were in an accident and your car written off! What does your DH say about it? What did you say to her? I’d be saying, ‘I use our only car for work which is mikes away-you will have to ask DB or get a taxi’

I know !!! You can’t believe people sometimes can you?
I mentioned needing the car for work a few times but selective deafness kicked in…
She gazed into dh’s eyes while she mentioned appointments, and ignored me totally.

My FIL has cancer and is a bit more advanced than your FIL. Historically they have both been kind, rational people but this illness seems to have made them much more self-focussed and slightly mad in what they request of people (eg getting shopping volunteer during covid lockdowns to go to 3 different shops)

I hate to say this, but currently you are at the relatively easy, not so demanding/timeconsuming stage. So i think its really important that you get BIL to step up on this. Otherwise its you, rather than him, that will be on call for all other stuff going forwards as your FIL gets iller, eg FIL falling down and not being able to get off floor etc etc

I guess your MIL is super worried about FIL and that is making her a bit selfish/mad

First of all I'm sorry your FIL is so poorly and that they're both resisting hospital transport, asking BIL and taxis

I had a late, exMIL exactly like this; when my ex retired she became a nightmare - but as with her yours have choices which they're not using because they think you're the easy option

Fortunately you have choices too, and one of them is to hand this right back to them and suggest any or all of those options, then shut it down when the "Yes, buts ..." start

Hope you are OK op. Is there any chance of all of you having a family meeting? Explaining that now inlaws are getting older, need more support you all need to come up with a system that is fair to all. Bil will no doubt have excuses but that is where both you and your dh pipe up that you lot do more than your fair share and simply can't do anymore. Mu mil lives with bil, she is getting on and has more appointments now. Bil.takes her to all the routine ones at the Gp practice but any at the hospital my dh deals with. Of course this means that mil has to rearrange appointments of the timings aren't suitable eg. over school pick up or drop offs but it has increased her communication with her sons and between both brothers. I would say this expectation is on her sons not extended towards her dil's.

@zxcvzxcvz have you forgotten about the fact that the OP had to show the MIL photos of the car to ‘prove’ it wasn’t available anymore and she showed no concern for the OP.

My DF had cancer for 8 years, it was another sort that couldn’t be cured but could be treated to extend life. He went to most appointments on his own, was very independent. Certainly wouldn’t have put pressure on me to drive him to these appointments. I obviously spent more time with him when he was coming to the end of his life, but in the early years of his cancer diagnosis he wanted life to
be as normal as possible

Now DM is on her own, she uses the community transport when I am unavailable and sometimes even when I am available but she too wants to keep her independence

@zxcvzxcvz

From perhaps a slightly different perspective - your fIL is dying - yourMIL is going to be left alone in advanced years. She is terrified and it is consuming her. Her 'lifeline - your DH' seems in her eyes to be the only one who cares as her other son doesn't seem to. So yes you will be 20 miles away with the car but if they offer you money for another just so DH can take them to hospital why wouldn't you take it? At the very least I would go with them in a taxi. This isn't a point scoring situation. Her husband is dying.

He is not dying. He has a chronic illness, just like lots of people his age and indeed younger. Just because that illness is called cancer doesn't mean he's at death's door.

I showed her the photos because I knew she wouldn’t believe me, so she couldn’t say I’m lying

Just seen this bit ... do you really mean she'd assume you were lying about something like this, and if so is there history of her taking this attitude?

Because that's not pleasant and it would certainly factor into what I was prepared to do for her. Nobody's saying that you shouldn't help out as and when, but being the go-to for everything - no

My advice to anyone dealing with sick relatives is to get all members of the family involved as early as possible.
GP/hospital/social workers only need one name and contact details for their tick-box, making it clear that you'll take the first 'shift' (maybe as much as three weeks but never more than a month) but that someone else will be committing to the next one can make a very big difference.
We had our lives taken over for more than five years caring for my ungrateful but very manipulative FIL. We only found out after his death that there was no actual evidence for the terminal disease that his elderly GP had been treating him for.
SIL did almost nothing during that time (we both lived 25 miles away from him) and she was shocked to find out how all-consuming the responsibilities had been, after his death.
We sacrificed a great deal in the hope that we wouldn't feel guilty for having done too little.
Many elderly people suffer unnecessarily because they don't want to be a bother, but some of an extreme age have burned through several willing victims in their time and see nothing wrong with abusing your better nature.

It seems to me that there are two things happening here:
Fear, Obligation and Guilt (also known as FOG) and JADE where you have to Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.

You shouldn't have needed to show your MiL the photographs of the accident. It should have been enough for her to be told. That is the JADE.
The fact that it always falls to you or your DH to ferry them around is where the FOG comes in.

What happens if you don't bring them? If you said "Look, we've done all of the lifts both to and from X and Y for you. We're not doing it anymore. Ask BiL to do it?" what would actually happen. Would the inlaws miss their appointments? Would they finally manage to get to and from their appointments without your help??

Have a deep thought about that one.

Clearly they have had your dh under the thumb for years. Now is your opportunity to step right back.

Your answer to "FIL needs to go to the hospital on X date" is simply "Sorry I'm at work - so we can't help." No more than that. No room to wriggle or argue.

Your problem is pote tially your DH. If he feels too guilty is he likely to do something daft like pay out a load for a car you don't need or take a large loan from them for a car? You need to work out feasible it is for you to have 1 car for a good while and break this expectation I think. But that will depend on your DH - both his fear of them and of course his bus bound trip to work!

@GoldenGorilla

You know, I think you have bigger issues here.

You say you had to show them the photo or they wouldn’t have believed you - that’s really weird. Most people don’t need to show family proof!

They didn’t express any concern for how you were. Also weird.

They expect one son to do everything while the other does nothing.

They use guilt and manipulation to try and make you do what they want.

I wonder whether you’d benefit from looking at the stately home threads on mumsnet….lots of support there about how to deal with difficult parents!

This.

The above bit is more worrying.

The answer is other brother needs to step up,

Bit like a husband or teenager who deliberately doesn't do a chore or does it badly so you do it yourself. The answer -say great you messed up this collection -you can do it again Friday.

Better off DH saying to his parents -who want help. We will rotate- Brother x1 , me x 1 and yourselves & taxi x 1 so the lift sharing is worked.

This is not your issue -DH needs to confront it head on. We only have one car -No the car won't be here. No sorry. Just the car is in use we can't help. Pause

Repeat.

Omg.

You need tk ask yourself how you’ve been reduced to asking this in a forum when most people would automatically say No or would have stopped this nonsense way before now.

Your husband needs to stop being so pathetic.

Seems to me that MIL simply doesn't hear what she doesn't want to hear.

she sounds really vulnerable and probably very worried about FIL unable to really do anything other take him to appointments, and has relied on your DH for ages.

She isn't suddenly going to change and cope with public transport, but could your DH contact the hospital and find out about transport options as she probably can't do it.

Yes, she should be able to figure these things out, but she has relied on you and your DH for years.

@BIWI

I will look into driving miss daisy

No, no, no @ChocolateChocolateMint! You tell your PILs about Driving Miss Daisy and then they look into it.

Also, when you next chat with your DH you might discuss strategies for him to deal with his brother.

... then you step back and out of all of this. Leave it to them to sort out.

Sorry about your accident.

Ah okay, they can look into driving miss daisy, you’re right @BIWI . I just want to ring her up and tell her how I feel and that I won’t be seeing her again, but she’ll ignore me and needle dh about it.

no-one wants a car crash, but in some ways this has a positive. It means that all the family will need to start thinking of other options, rather than just relying on you all the time. It might open up a conversation about sharing workloads and using other options that arent family.