AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

[ChocolateChocolateMint]

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

The volunteer community transport DM uses waits at the hospital etc until your appointment finishes so there is no waiting for a lift back as they are already there.

How does your DH get time off work to take them to appointments?

@billy1966

OP,

You are being used and your husband is allowing it.

Think long and hard before considering having children with a man so weak.

Your MIL sounds awful but no one can make you do something you don't want to do.

YOU choose to allow them to guilt you.

Or you could say no, not available and not get into it.

Stop spending so much time with them.
Stop being so available.

You need the car and that is it.

You chose to marry into a family like that so you either stand up for yourself or suck it up.

Being married to a weak man is very tedious.

She has shown her hand not giving a damn about your accident.

Some people within families decide it is ok to massively impose on one family member and never bother others at all.

You can say no and mean it, it really is in your power to chose not to be guilted.

You are not powerless, you just choose to be.

I won’t be powerless anymore.

We’re in our fifties, so no kids.

The last few days have opened my eyes to it all even more, and though I know I might not change dh, I can change my reaction.

Thank you by the way 💐

BIL has the measure of MIL.

Lots of assumptions about FIL’s cancer.

My Dad (90) has had prostate cancer for the last 15 years, with similar comments from the medical team.

My aunt (92) has an incurable form of cancer that is controlled by daily tablets of a tiny chemo dose.

Aunt drives herself to hospital for check ups.

The OP says FIL is fit enough to be getting in with life.

Taxi.

Even if you had the car, are you supposed to take time off work?

DH needs to deal with this with his PIL and he needs to be clear that you/him driving PIL places is no longer an option, as the car is gone.

@toomuchlaundry

The volunteer community transport DM uses waits at the hospital etc until your appointment finishes so there is no waiting for a lift back as they are already there.

How does your DH get time off work to take them to appointments?

He works mostly early shifts, but some day shifts. The appointments have mostly been in the late afternoon around 3.30/4.30pm.

Firstly, I hope you're doing ok following your accident.

My advice (for whatever it's worth) is to just say to MiL if she asks for a lift
"MiL, I can't drive you at the moment. Please ask BiL for a lift."
Repeat, repeat, repeat that when you are asked.
Change how you say it if needs be
"You're looking for us to give you a lift are you? We can't. You'll have to ask BiL instead".
Have every variation of this written out if needs be.
Throw in "Have you tried ordering a taxi?"

If BiL approaches you or your DH claiming that they can't bring MiL/FiL to hospital, you'll have to repeat "We can't bring MiL/FiL to their appointment. You'll have to do it this time" and keep saying that. Don't change the narrative.

So what if the organised lift back from the hospital takes a long time? That's not your issue to resolve. Stop making it your issue to resolve. Tell them to bring a book or listen to a podcast on their return journey.

Establish these boundaries now.

Best of luck with it all.

I am in a similar situation with my parents. One car. Dad has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and is requiring ferrying around to and from hospital appointments (of which there are many). My mum can drive, but stopped a little while ago. I don't expect her to drive him to hospital as that is a difficult drive. But they live 6miles from me in the opposite direction to the hospital. We both live in the countryside and to get to mine requires just driving on one road. It would be helpful if my mother could drive them both to mine or if she could drive to their village shop/pharmacy as I am having to do everything, including school runs/after school clubs. Anyway, I have just arranged for an excellent company called Driving Miss Daisy to do some of the hospital runs for me. They specialise in hospital appointments and will wait for them, even help them inside the hospital/take notes etc. It has been a game changer. I could never have just packed my Dad off in a taxi, but this is different. It's the same lady each time. She is lovely and caring. She is reliable. I would highly recommend. They are a national organisation.

Could your BIL lend you one of his cars. Not for the appointments but to save your DH using the bus (assume they don’t always fit round his shifts)

You are 100% not in the wrong. Why have a 2nd car if you can cope with one.

I'd wait now, until the next request comes through, and you're asked for a lift, then say, sorry, I'm working that day, so we cant. Leave it at that, no excuse, don't try to fix the problem.
And if they offer to lend you the money for a second car, I'd just say you're seeing if you can manage on one, thanks.

The hospital's two miles from their house? So a taxi's not even going to be expensive!

You're just going to have to be a broken record. 'We can't take you, we have no car available'.
'The car will be at work with me so DH can't take you. Here's the number of the taxi firm'.

I think it would be a mistake to get into making suggestions, it sends the message that you agree it's your responsibility. Just say no and leave them to it. If they push, a PP had the right idea on getting dramatic "gosh it is so AWFUL for us not to have a car, it was such a horrible experience, it is so hard"

From perhaps a slightly different perspective - your fIL is dying - yourMIL is going to be left alone in advanced years. She is terrified and it is consuming her. Her 'lifeline - your DH' seems in her eyes to be the only one who cares as her other son doesn't seem to. So yes you will be 20 miles away with the car but if they offer you money for another just so DH can take them to hospital why wouldn't you take it? At the very least I would go with them in a taxi. This isn't a point scoring situation. Her husband is dying.

@Tiddlesthecat

I am in a similar situation with my parents. One car. Dad has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and is requiring ferrying around to and from hospital appointments (of which there are many). My mum can drive, but stopped a little while ago. I don't expect her to drive him to hospital as that is a difficult drive. But they live 6miles from me in the opposite direction to the hospital. We both live in the countryside and to get to mine requires just driving on one road. It would be helpful if my mother could drive them both to mine or if she could drive to their village shop/pharmacy as I am having to do everything, including school runs/after school clubs. Anyway, I have just arranged for an excellent company called Driving Miss Daisy to do some of the hospital runs for me. They specialise in hospital appointments and will wait for them, even help them inside the hospital/take notes etc. It has been a game changer. I could never have just packed my Dad off in a taxi, but this is different. It's the same lady each time. She is lovely and caring. She is reliable. I would highly recommend. They are a national organisation.

@Tiddlesthecat, I am so sorry about your Dads recent diagnosis 💐. We’re the same, six miles away in the opposite direction too, so it certainly clocks up the mileage with four journeys. I will look into driving miss daisy, that’s an excellent idea xx

@zxcvzxcvz

From perhaps a slightly different perspective - your fIL is dying - yourMIL is going to be left alone in advanced years. She is terrified and it is consuming her. Her 'lifeline - your DH' seems in her eyes to be the only one who cares as her other son doesn't seem to. So yes you will be 20 miles away with the car but if they offer you money for another just so DH can take them to hospital why wouldn't you take it? At the very least I would go with them in a taxi. This isn't a point scoring situation. Her husband is dying.

If you read PPs' and OP's updates, FIL is not dying imminently. FIL has prostate cancer which is being managed as a long term condition, from the sound of it.

@Mumdiva99

If the car is with you at work 20 miles away you are not being unreasonable. There is no choice. Its not your fault that your other car was written off. Get husband to call them tomorrow to reiterate the situation, apologise for not being able to help (Obviously you don't need to apologise...as you have done nothing wrong....but jist smoothing the way etc), tell them to call DBiL or have to use a taxi.

This is not your problem. Yes your fil diagnosis is a shame. Maybe mil is worried about covid and cabs....but DBiL needs to step up. - I would be asking husband to phone him.....but really it's down to in laws to ask.

FGS don't do any of this! It's just pandering to them, & they will seize any 'reasoning' & use it as a stick to beat you with.

You've said your piece.
You know they haven't listened & will contact you to guilt trip you again, so leave that ball firmly in their court.
When they do ring "as we told you, OP is using our only car for work, you will have to ask BiL or take a taxi."

Aaaaand ... just keep trotting that phrase out, again & again as the Broken Record technique.
This will help prevent them from railroading you by getting you to justify, explain etc - you need to be very clear with yourself that you are not going to get suckered into JADE -
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

DBIL has the learned helplessness thing, ‘oh Mr chocolate can do it so much better than me’ etc.
He has helped once or twice but ‘makes a mess’ of simple tasks that MIL ‘gives up’ and comes back to us.

He 'makes a mess' of a 2 mile drive to the hospital?
Why are you swallowing this bullshit? Tell BiL firmly to stop fucking about & step up to take his turn.

Good for you OP, if things are clearer to you.

Any tip with a car can leave a person shaken, having a car written off IS shocking.

I think it is very bizarre that you felt the need to show a photo too.

Step away from this, and mind yourself.

@ChocolateChocolateMint - I want to ring your BIL, and tell him to get his arse in gear and help his parents!!

I hope you are feeling less shaken now.

@LookItsMeAgain

Firstly, I hope you're doing ok following your accident.

My advice (for whatever it's worth) is to just say to MiL if she asks for a lift
"MiL, I can't drive you at the moment. Please ask BiL for a lift."
Repeat, repeat, repeat that when you are asked.
Change how you say it if needs be
"You're looking for us to give you a lift are you? We can't. You'll have to ask BiL instead".
Have every variation of this written out if needs be.
Throw in "Have you tried ordering a taxi?"

If BiL approaches you or your DH claiming that they can't bring MiL/FiL to hospital, you'll have to repeat "We can't bring MiL/FiL to their appointment. You'll have to do it this time" and keep saying that. Don't change the narrative.

So what if the organised lift back from the hospital takes a long time? That's not your issue to resolve. Stop making it your issue to resolve. Tell them to bring a book or listen to a podcast on their return journey.

Establish these boundaries now.

Best of luck with it all.

Yes-to all of this!

We have a similar issue with DM who it just doesn’t occur to use taxis
Most medical appointments fall on me as I have a more flexible job than DB
However even a simple optician visit means taking 1/2 a day off work
We set up an account with a local taxi firm and I do all the bookings - they even try and use the same driver for her - I think some of it was just unknown routines for her as has mild dementia
I’m the contact for all medical stuff anyway as she wouldn’t remember so I get the appointment - book taxi - on the day I ring to remind her
If it’s a short appointment or know rough timings I will book return if not DM will ring me when she’s ready to be picked up for return journey
The taxi firm has a tracking app so I know when she’s safely home or if there’s been a delay

@zxcvzxcvz

From perhaps a slightly different perspective - your fIL is dying - yourMIL is going to be left alone in advanced years. She is terrified and it is consuming her. Her 'lifeline - your DH' seems in her eyes to be the only one who cares as her other son doesn't seem to. So yes you will be 20 miles away with the car but if they offer you money for another just so DH can take them to hospital why wouldn't you take it? At the very least I would go with them in a taxi. This isn't a point scoring situation. Her husband is dying.

This.

All those saying they don't blame the BIL for 'drawing a line' and refusing to help out just shows to me how selfish, mean attitudes are really pervasive even on MN. The BIL is a useless cunt who should step up. It's a lift to the fucking hospital not a trek to the Moon and his dad has cancer. Your DH should be ringing him and telling him to shape the fuck up.

Your MIL is clearly panicking. Your DH should take charge and organise for lazybones BIL to pick them up or book a taxi for them. Very, very different situation but when my DH was in ICU, it really helped me when people just took over certain admin or practical jobs and allowed me to concentrate on visiting DH. Tell your MIL "dont worry about the lifts, we will sort it out for you". In the end, how hard is it to book a taxi?

They sound awful! You felt you had to show her photos of the smashed up car otherwise she wouldn't believe you? She didn't ask how you were after the accident and is now hinting for lifts? Honestly, I'd be sticking to my guns and not giving lifts to them - they can ask BIL or get a cab If that causes a bust up then great because perhaps they'll stop talking to you and you'll get some peace and quiet!

You can claim the cost of taxi fares or a hire car from the insurers of the other driver if you are in the Uk

@billy1966

Good for you OP, if things are clearer to you.

Any tip with a car can leave a person shaken, having a car written off IS shocking.

I think it is very bizarre that you felt the need to show a photo too.

Step away from this, and mind yourself.

I showed her the photos because I knew she wouldn’t believe me, so she couldn’t say I’m lying. I think that deep down she knows that I know what she is really like..

I don't think you're at all unreasonable in saying no.

I do think you're unreasonable telling them to ask BIL, knowing that as soon as you or he says yes once it's an unpleasant expectation at a level you were uncomfortable with.

Wouldn't it be better if you, DH and BIL were a united front explaining gently that they need to pay for taxis or take hospital transport to get there independently.