AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

[ChocolateChocolateMint]

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

@SuperSange

Why can't BIL do it exactly? Has he forgotten how to drive? If she says it's inconvenient for him, have you actually told her it's impossible for you, so that trumps inconvenience? Actually spell it out to her?

Thank you Super,💐 Yes, Dh has explained to her that he’ll have to catch a bus to work, while I have the car. She also knows how far away my place of work is. She has been there unfortunately… (I work in the hospital, where FIL found out he had cancer). I also work long days. She also knows dh works miles away from me so I can’t even drop him off/ pick him up from his work myself, so she knows how much of an inconvenience it is for us, let alone her. She knows…..but doesn’t care.

In fact, contrary to Soontobe60, YANBU, OP

Sorry, I also meant have you asked her directly why BIL can't do it?

I like the droning on strategy above too. About how awful it had been for you.

OP hasn't said her FIL has a terminal illness, or that he's stage 4, or that he is having treatment that makes him vulnerable to covid. For example, many men live with prostate cancer for years, have radiotherapy and no further treatment and then eventually die from something unrelated. Cancer can look like many different things.

Even if he is vulnerable to covid, terminal or anything else severe, that doesn't change the fact that OP and her DH just can't drive them through no fault of their own. So it's BIL, another relative or friend, or taxi. No other options.

Soontobe60, you do know that a write-off can mean different things, don't you? It could be totally wrecked as in crushed or just beyond economic repair. My car was a write-off many years ago, I was not injured at all but the car was deemed to be beyond repair, despite being only 3 years old. And the OP has stated that photos of the car were sent to the insurance company.
What is wrong with using a bus to get to work?
What strange comments from you!

@Soontobe60

Your FIL has cancer. Your BIL isn’t helpful. You wrote off your car but 3 days later were fine enough to go out for a meal. You appear not to have insurance to replace the car.

Maybe your MIL is actually very worried about her husband who sounds like he has a terminal illness if the doctors are not able to operate. Maybe she doesn’t want him to have to get taxis after treatment because in the current times, getting into a taxi with a stranger can be seen as risky.
Maybe they might offer to buy you a new car because they don’t want one of you to go to work in a bus?
You’re annoyed at the fact that your BIL doesn’t help them as much as your Dh does - that’s on BIL, not on your in-laws.
So yes, YABU in this situation.

I didn’t write off my car, the insurance did, it’s an old car, it was to be expected. Yes we went for a meal, at MILs insistence. I didn’t want to go because of the accident, but I went. I was shaken up for the first 24 hours… DBIL lives round the corner to ILs, the can see their house….and how many cars are on the drive but DBIL says no. WIBU ??????

OP,

You are being used and your husband is allowing it.

Think long and hard before considering having children with a man so weak.

Your MIL sounds awful but no one can make you do something you don't want to do.

YOU choose to allow them to guilt you.

Or you could say no, not available and not get into it.

Stop spending so much time with them.
Stop being so available.

You need the car and that is it.

You chose to marry into a family like that so you either stand up for yourself or suck it up.

Being married to a weak man is very tedious.

She has shown her hand not giving a damn about your accident.

Some people within families decide it is ok to massively impose on one family member and never bother others at all.

You can say no and mean it, it really is in your power to chose not to be guilted.

You are not powerless, you just choose to be.

OP, you are part of the problem.

Why go out for a meal if you don't want to?

Stop saying yes.

BIL definitely needs to step up.
However, if the other car went in to the back of you, should their insurance company not provide you with a car while the claim goes through? Have I missed this bit?

You need that old MN chestnut again - no is a complete sentence.

@MindyStClaire

OP hasn't said her FIL has a terminal illness, or that he's stage 4, or that he is having treatment that makes him vulnerable to covid. For example, many men live with prostate cancer for years, have radiotherapy and no further treatment and then eventually die from something unrelated. Cancer can look like many different things.

Even if he is vulnerable to covid, terminal or anything else severe, that doesn't change the fact that OP and her DH just can't drive them through no fault of their own. So it's BIL, another relative or friend, or taxi. No other options.

I was just about to ask if it was prostate cancer. My DF has been through this - and was taken to his regular appointments by volunteer drivers. It did mean that he had to wait till the other one or two men who travelled with him had finished their treatment, but he and they seemed to value the time to chat with each other.

@SuperSange

Sorry, I also meant have you asked her directly why BIL can't do it?

She won’t ask him, she knows the answer she will get, so she gives up and asks, sorry, demands. She has told us. ‘I won’t bother asking DBIL, so you can do it’ many times.

Is DBIL golden child?

@Seeingadistance, yes it is prostate cancer.

Just tell them to get a taxi - it's hardly a second rate means of transport. Heavens, they sound hard work.

@Arabellla

Is DBIL golden child?

You got it..

The car and the lifts are a bit of a red herring really.

The issues are the boundaries between you all, and her lack of care/concern for you.

I think you need to have a cards on the table discussion with your DH about how you both want relations with them to be going forward. Hopefully present a united front and then stick to it. But you are NOT being unreasonable.

@Zonder

You need that old MN chestnut again - no is a complete sentence.

I certainly do need it. Dh and I haven’t been able to have a proper discussion yet, but we will.

Just detach.

It’s not your problem - neither of you can drive your FIL to his appointments.

Actually, if he’s working full time then I do y know how your DH managed to do it anyway.

Stop fretting about BIL or their lack of interest in you, all of it. Detach. You can’t change those things, you’re wasting emotional energy.

Focus on supporting your DH not to feel guilty.

I agree. The workarounds of various other options aren't really the point. Mil needs to understand you are not at her neck and call. At this stage the Covid aspect re taxis isn't something to be used as a reason, unless anyone CV is never going to use one again. Book one with a proper divider if needed. A Frank conversation with BIL is needed perhaps also so that when you are a 2 car family again, it doesn't automatically revert back to you and dh

@billy1966

OP, you are part of the problem.

Why go out for a meal if you don't want to?

Stop saying yes.

I know, I shouldn’t have gone 😞😞. But he knows how I feel now about her non reaction, so I’m going to be saying no much more in the near future…

@NoSquirrels

Just detach.

It’s not your problem - neither of you can drive your FIL to his appointments.

Actually, if he’s working full time then I do y know how your DH managed to do it anyway.

Stop fretting about BIL or their lack of interest in you, all of it. Detach. You can’t change those things, you’re wasting emotional energy.

Focus on supporting your DH not to feel guilty.

@NoSquirrels, you are right. That’s what I need to do.

Fgs, give them a lift to the hospital, they sound elderly and he's got inoperable cancer. Yes bi L is a useless git with no conscience but honestly, if it were me, I wouldnt hesitate.

Jesus the amount of people saying yabu is astonishing. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Hope you're OK op. And Yanbu.

Your mil is. She has many other options to try before needing your dh to do. She has her other son, and if she'd done a better job of parenting maybe that would be an option without so many issues. I'd let him have a tantrum like a child and make him do it. So what if he doesn't talk to you, sounds like a bonus.

Your mil is quite a cruel woman, treats her sons differently, doesn't care that her husband doesn't want reminded every 5 mins that he is dying, doesn't ask about your accident. But your fil doesn't sound nice either if he didn't ask either. And both needed proof of your accident, wtf?

They have their other son to take them. They have taxis. There are other services that can take them. Might be a long wait but maybe not, they want you out of hospital quickly now because of covid. I wasn't waiting that long when I used it but maybe I was lucky.

Just keep repeating we can't do it, you'll have to find another way and revert to being helpless like bil.