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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

299 replies

ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:05

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 07:17

@Totalwasteofpaper

she senses he’s ‘pulling away’ and finds something else.

100% correct and textbook behaviour.

My mil also has a strong drive for attention/getting her wants met.
What you need to appreciate is she has had a huge amount of practice at getting what she wants and has "honed her methods"
If you try and change the status quo she won't go along quietly expect REAL emotive manipulative push back.

What does your DH have to say about the fact both of them showed zero fucks about you???

He isn’t very happy.

He said to them on Friday I was pretty shook up just in case they (or she) didn’t hear me the first time. No reaction whatsoever.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 20/02/2022 07:19

Your BIL has the right idea. I am often "unavailable" for people who will take advantage. It takes a while to train yourself to feel zero guilt but you can do it.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 20/02/2022 07:23

Of course you are not being unreasonable. But I have some sympathy for MIL too. It turns your life inside out and upside down when your partner gets a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. She probably feels that getting FIL to appointments is one of the very few things she can actually do.

I highly recommended that you encourage her to press for a referral to the palliative care team. Ours are wonderful. They have access to services and support you have no idea exist. They will support MIL just as much as FIL and you may well see her return to more normal behaviour when she doesn't feel left alone to cope.

MindyStClaire · 20/02/2022 07:26

Agree with all the posts about PIL sounding awful. Sounds like perhaps BIL has quietly drawn boundaries which is probably no bad thing and I don't really blame him. MIL can use taxis.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 20/02/2022 07:28

There are other options
He would be entitled to hospital transport or in many areas there are volunteer driver schemes specifically to take people to hospital appts.
Maybe look up those in your area and give her the info.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 20/02/2022 07:32

I should have added that I'm not suggesting for a moment that you are actually leaving them alone to cope. But she may feel that the professionals are, and that's overwhelmingly scary. No one can be reasonable when they're in panic mode.

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 07:32

@MontyDonsBlueScarf

Of course you are not being unreasonable. But I have some sympathy for MIL too. It turns your life inside out and upside down when your partner gets a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. She probably feels that getting FIL to appointments is one of the very few things she can actually do.

I highly recommended that you encourage her to press for a referral to the palliative care team. Ours are wonderful. They have access to services and support you have no idea exist. They will support MIL just as much as FIL and you may well see her return to more normal behaviour when she doesn't feel left alone to cope.

She hasn’t mentioned a stage 4 diagnosis, which having known her for the last 33 years, I think she would have been quick enough to mention that once they were told they wouldn’t operate…but, still, I get what you’re saying. We are not heartless.

She doesn’t help with the way she goes about things, and there are nicer ways in which to ask for help, not demand it or show no empathy for people who have been involved in a car crash… like what an inconvenience that was 😧.

OP posts:
LizziesTwin · 20/02/2022 07:36

Their GP may know of a local volunteer group which would take your FIL to hospital. I’m part of one & we drive people of all ages places they want to go - hairdressers, vet, GP, dentist, supermarket, hospital, opticians. We are masked and ask clients to sit diagonally behind us & to wear masks. Clients make a token donation, usually £5.

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 07:37

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

There are other options He would be entitled to hospital transport or in many areas there are volunteer driver schemes specifically to take people to hospital appts. Maybe look up those in your area and give her the info.
Thank you covoid, they’ve already tried that, but she said it takes too long to take them home 💐
OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 07:40

@MontyDonsBlueScarf

I should have added that I'm not suggesting for a moment that you are actually leaving them alone to cope. But she may feel that the professionals are, and that's overwhelmingly scary. No one can be reasonable when they're in panic mode.
I know you’re not suggesting anything Monty 💐. We might find out more with what’s happening at his next hospital visits.
OP posts:
brainhurts · 20/02/2022 07:44

Hi op , hope your ok after your accident. I think going forward you just have to say no , your not available to give lifts . You need to get your DH to understand how upset you are they never asked about you after being in an accident and the pandering to her every wish is stopping . Not unreasonable for them to get a taxi .

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 07:44

@MindyStClaire

Agree with all the posts about PIL sounding awful. Sounds like perhaps BIL has quietly drawn boundaries which is probably no bad thing and I don't really blame him. MIL can use taxis.
I don’t blame him either, it’s the reaction from them and possibly DBIL now when he finds out about my accident, that it’s such an inconvenience…..for them.

Not a thought about the inconvenience for us, oh no….

OP posts:
cptartapp · 20/02/2022 07:51

I don't blame BIL. I'd make the same choices as him and say not available. You've chosen differently so are living with the consequences. If they can afford taxis but are quite happy to let busy family run round after them that says a lot about them and I wouldn't hesitate to step right back.
It maybe a good idea to set a new precedent going forward anyway as I expect MIL expectations of you on all fronts when she's left alone will be through the roof.
What else do people 'scrimp and save for all their lives' if not to use it for help/ care/transport as needed when older? Don't get it.

Arabellla · 20/02/2022 07:51

Do they expect DH to take time off from work to take them to these appts?

That’s ridiculous when the hospital is a couple of miles away.

OP, I wouldn’t get a car any time soon.

Main thing is for DH to spend time with his dad on his days off. Do they get to do that?

Arabellla · 20/02/2022 07:52

it’s the reaction from them and possibly DBIL now when he finds out about my accident, that it’s such an inconvenience…..for them.

Does DBIL really have the nerve to moan at you? Twat.

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 07:53

@brainhurts

Hi op , hope your ok after your accident. I think going forward you just have to say no , your not available to give lifts . You need to get your DH to understand how upset you are they never asked about you after being in an accident and the pandering to her every wish is stopping . Not unreasonable for them to get a taxi .
Thank you brain, I’m okay, I was shook up for the 24 hours following it. Yes, I think that needs to be said, that we are unavailable for lifts.

Dh is aware of how I feel about their (non) reaction to my accident, though we haven’t had much time to discuss it thoroughly as he went on a stag weekend yesterday morning, due home later today.

OP posts:
skodadoda · 20/02/2022 07:59

@autienotnaughty

I wouldn't make a big thing of we can't do it. Obviously you have explained it will be more difficult and they may have to ask bil more often. Now if they ask and you are free say yes if not apologise and suggest they ask bil/get a taxi. If you are at work 20miles away they cannot expect you to whip up a car.
Given that mil has had total lack of sympathy for OP’s accident I don’t think she needs to apologise for being unavailable. Mil sounds very ungrateful and OP has no obligation to provide transport.
lochmaree · 20/02/2022 07:59

I dont think it matters where you or the car are, if you can't or don't want to give them a lift then you don't have to, even if your car is sat on the driveway.

nether · 20/02/2022 08:02

Someone on active treatment for cancer is critically vulnerable to covid (immune suppression) so I completely understand why they would not want to get a taxi.

You've done your bit, you've helped out in the past, and probabkyneill di again in future. But right now you can't.

So BIL needs to step up.

If he doesn't, then it's still up to PILs to solve this. Which might have to be a taxi after all. You are not the solution at the moment, so don't let yourself be cornered in to it. Remind them that you help when you can, but right now you can't

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 08:06

@Arabellla

it’s the reaction from them and possibly DBIL now when he finds out about my accident, that it’s such an inconvenience…..for them.

Does DBIL really have the nerve to moan at you? Twat.

Dh hasn’t told DBIL yet, but MIL might have. DBIL will now be spending his time getting his excuses ready .. He might not have a go at me directly, but he will have a ‘bleeding heart’ discussion with dh, no doubt. And when he has no choice but to help….he’ll ignore me most probably. Twat.
OP posts:
SuperSange · 20/02/2022 08:07

Why can't BIL do it exactly? Has he forgotten how to drive? If she says it's inconvenient for him, have you actually told her it's impossible for you, so that trumps inconvenience? Actually spell it out to her?

babyjellyfish · 20/02/2022 08:12

YANBU, and I don't see what choice you have. You need your car to get to work. End of story.

DBIL has the learned helplessness thing, ‘oh Mr chocolate can do it so much better than me’ etc.
He has helped once or twice but ‘makes a mess’ of simple tasks that MIL ‘gives up’ and comes back to us.

If your DBIL is so helpless that he can make a mess of driving his parents two miles to the hospital, perhaps he should give you one of his cars.

picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2022 08:15

I've experience with people like this. You need a totally different strategy.

Use the same communication style as them- drama and need and self absorption- not the more standard polite 'downplaying of difficult things'.

So instead of a calm- I had a car accident, it's written off, I'm a bit shaken, you need 'I'm so upset, the car's written off, it's going to take ages to sort out, I'm keep remembering how awful it was, it was such a shock, and it's going to be so difficult to organise ourselves, and I need to drive even though it's scary and... and... and...'

Basically you drone on about your own worries to drown out hers.

Nothing to stop you ringing FiL to ask him how he is, but when you speak to MiL do the dramatic thing.

rookiemere · 20/02/2022 08:16

You had a traumatic accident and have no longer got a second car. Second hand cars are ridiculously overpriced atm so if you can manage on one that's what I'd do. I can see why FIL wants lifts bit the situation is what it is and it's not like you were the only option.

Soontobe60 · 20/02/2022 08:17

Your FIL has cancer.
Your BIL isn’t helpful.
You wrote off your car but 3 days later were fine enough to go out for a meal.
You appear not to have insurance to replace the car.

Maybe your MIL is actually very worried about her husband who sounds like he has a terminal illness if the doctors are not able to operate. Maybe she doesn’t want him to have to get taxis after treatment because in the current times, getting into a taxi with a stranger can be seen as risky.
Maybe they might offer to buy you a new car because they don’t want one of you to go to work in a bus?
You’re annoyed at the fact that your BIL doesn’t help them as much as your Dh does - that’s on BIL, not on your in-laws.
So yes, YABU in this situation.