Page 11 | AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

ChocolateChocolateMint · 2022-02-20T06:05:52+00:00

Okay, the back story first. Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’. So this is now….. Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured. So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car. We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident. I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us. Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments. Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis. And this is the bit where I ask if WABU. FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around… AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

Sparticuscaticus · 22/02/2022 03:29

@dementedmummy

I think i would reply along the following lines: Dear MIL. Just to clarify for planning purposes, we only have one car now. DH is now going to be using public transport to get to work and will not be available for lifts to the hospital. As you know, my work is 20 miles away and i work long shifts that can run on after my finishing time. As i need the car to get to work and back, i also wont be around to give you lifts to the hospital. Do you need help to access patient transport to facilitate DFIL's appointments? Then get DH on the phone to DBIL and say "DB, we can no longer help DM and DF with transport during the week. Can you please step in and help?" Good luck

This is good advice.

It's really sad that your parents in law ignored the fact you'd had a car accident so bad that your car was written off. The first thing any other my friends and family would ask is was I ok or hurt? And they'd show sympathy. Anyone that ignores that and can only think how it affects them "well we still want lifts to and from hospital because we don't like taking hospital transport as it takes longer" is really a CF, uncaring and selfish. I hope your DH doesn't play into this entitlement

PILs are adults and have other options including hospital transport, or paying privately for a taxi. Or asking their son who lives nearer (Although he's not obligated either!)

Bleachmycloths · 22/02/2022 07:03

YANBU if you are at work and your car is with you 20 miles away. So it is impossible. That’s all you need to point out.
Is MIL expecting you to take time off to take them to hospital appointments? Very self centred.

brainhurts · 22/02/2022 07:31

I would step back now , should they ring for a lift simply say " sorry we aren't available " maybe remind them the car is written off . It's not up to you or BIL to drive them anywhere.
Your DH made a rod for his own back in the first place, his brother was maybe a little more smart .
None of the sons are obligated to give lifts especially as it's such a short trip , I could maybe understand feeling guilty if they were going miles on busses , train,tram but it's two miles in an Uber .

BIWI · 22/02/2022 09:30

No! Dementedmummy's response is NOT good advice!

This isn't the OP's problem to solve. It is for her DH, at the very least, to solve this by getting his brother to step up. Or, alternatively, for him to make it very clear to his parents that he and OP will not be giving any more lifts for the foreseeable.

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 09:36

@BIWI

No! Dementedmummy's response is NOT good advice!

This isn't the OP's problem to solve. It is for her DH, at the very least, to solve this by getting his brother to step up. Or, alternatively, for him to make it very clear to his parents that he and OP will not be giving any more lifts for the foreseeable.

Yes, it very much IS OP's problem to solve. She is involved in their transport and picking them up as much as she is, is as affected by it ad her husband is, (even more as it's her car that was written off), I don't understand people saying it's not her problem to solve. Of course it is!!!

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 09:39

@BIWI

No! Dementedmummy's response is NOT good advice!

This isn't the OP's problem to solve. It is for her DH, at the very least, to solve this by getting his brother to step up. Or, alternatively, for him to make it very clear to his parents that he and OP will not be giving any more lifts for the foreseeable.

@BIWI As I posted earlier in the thread: h, and of course this involves OP as A) she's his wife and her MIL's DIL, B) OP herself drives them around at times, C) the reason they no longer can do the appointments is because it was OP's car that was written off, and D) so much time, driving, early time before work/off work/weekends affects both of them. So this is as much OP's issue as it is her husband's. More so in some ways considering the blatant disrespect and disdain they've treated OP with. Oh, and E) They are manipulating and guilting her husband so that of course affects OP.

OP needs to really write out a long blunt email to her MIL not only stating how hurt she was at their ignoring her car accident, but stating they will no longer be giving lifts and BIL will need to step up.

Brainwave89 · 22/02/2022 09:50

Hi Op, off the core point- and I agree with our sentiment. If the accident was not your fault, then you or your insurer should have hired a replacement car which can then be included within the claim. I appreciate given the circumstances you might not want to do this, but worth pointing this out.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2022 12:06

@keeptheaspidistra

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such but i don't think I'd do the same. If it were one of my parents I'd definitely wouldn't want them using public transport/taxis etc to get to cancer treatment appointments. And I would hope my other half would support me in this, I'd massively resent him if i was aware he resented me helping my parents. So on that basis i don't think i could object to him/me helping my in laws, I'd be a hypocrit. I don't think i could take the attitude of "well bil is a useless twirp so lets act the same".

There's always so much negativity and resentment from women on mumsnet towards their inlaws. As a mum of all boys it does make me worry about how i will be treated if and when i become a mother in law.

How do you expect the OP to be in two places at once, @keeptheaspidistra?

They currently only have ONE car, because the other one was written off in a nasty accident.

@ChocolateChocolateMint NEEDS this car to drive herself to work.

The OP's dh will be going to work on public transport.

So how can either of them be available with a car, to take her FIL to his appointments??

It is very easy to call the OP a 'useless twerp' (as you have by implication) - but much harder to provide an actual, WORKABLE solution to their problem!!

I am now a MIL (ds1 and his lovely fiancee got married on Friday), and I am 100% sure I will never treat my DIL in the nasty way that the OP's MIL has treated her. I cannot imagine hearing that my DIL has been in a car accident and my FIRST question not being "Are you alright?" I can't imagine NEEDING to see a picture otherwise I wouldn't believe her about the accident. I can't imagine my focus being my own needs or even my dh's needs. If I mentioned the lifts to hospital at all, it would be to say "Don't worry about FIL's hospital appointments - we will sort that. You just concentrate on getting over the shock - and just ask if there is anything we can do".

Basically, the OP's MIL is reaping what she's sowed. Not only has she treated the OP badly, but she has also allowed her other son to be useless and unhelpful. FIL wouldn't have to rely on taxis or public transport if his other son was to get off his backside, take one of the three cars off his drive, and drive his OWN father to his hospital appointments!!

prettybird · 22/02/2022 12:24

Well said @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Pedalpushers · 22/02/2022 12:33

I don't understand how your BIL can have learned helplessness over giving a lift? He says your DH is better at it...how exactly? Does he not turn up? Speed and drive through red lights? Take them to the wrong hospital?

Onlyhuman123 · 22/02/2022 13:08

It's a difficult one for your DH though. I'd be upset if my DH didn't support me when sorting out stuff for my parents such as lifts etc because it's what you do isn't it; You support each other when the chips are down. But if my DP's were taking the piss I wouldn't do everything for them and my DH would point out when they'd overstepped the mark. It's a fine line I guess. However, that said, MIL reaction to your accident was appalling and she clearly doesn't care about you. Playing devils advocate, she must be stressed to the eyeballs, her DH is dying...she is having to contemplate life alone in the near future (look out, you've got massive problems coming up there!!!) and she is frightened so I can kind of see that your accident isn't a priority of hers right now (but she should have asked if you were feeling ok etc; that was really wrong not to have done.) Has your DH had a conversation with his brother? To say 'look, we can't help DPs out at the moment as we only have 1 car so you will HAVE to help out on occasion - I can't do it all.' DBiL cannot be allowed to ignore his parents needs. Both DH and DBiL need to do some things to help. ( but not everything of course.) I hope you feel better soon and you are able to resolve the issue but I really think you've got future bigger issues on the horizon when MIL is alone with DFIL....

countrygirl99 · 22/02/2022 13:22

@Onlyhuman123 the OPhas already confirmed that her FIL has prostate cancer. It not usually operated on and an awful lot of elderly men live with it formant years before dying of something completely different. The OP has said nothing to suggest her FIL is dying. My FIL has the same and we often only know of his appointments afterwards as he takes himself there on his mobility scooter (3 miles). Which may be another option for the OPs FIL.

MrsClatterbuck · 22/02/2022 14:03

@Pedalpushers

I don't understand how your BIL can have learned helplessness over giving a lift? He says your DH is better at it...how exactly? Does he not turn up? Speed and drive through red lights? Take them to the wrong hospital?

Exactly

CarrotVan · 22/02/2022 14:46

It is entirely possible that no family member can take them depending on work patterns. And that is ok

"We can't take you to appointments on our working days" is all you need to say

BlondeWidow · 22/02/2022 15:42

Sounds like they're expecting YOU to get taxis, leaving the car available for DH to use!

ForeverSingle881 · 22/02/2022 17:13

I really don't understand this. Go about your day, go to work, do what you need to do. If you're home and your DH is free, he can drive them. Otherwise you can't do it.

FootieMama · 22/02/2022 19:20

@Soontobe60, Agree with you.
OP, I think your husband should step up to support his parents. Cancer is difficult on everyone involved and unless the appointments are everyday he should absolutely take them. They probably need the support that you're husband seems to be better at providing than his brother. I don't think a lift to the hospital is such a massive ask. If I were you I wouldn't try to stop your husband caring for his terminally ill dad.

Lynz78 · 22/02/2022 19:30

Get them to register with a community transport group if you have one in the area. Volunteer drivers give them a lift to their appointments wait around then bring them back. I saw your post about taking too long one I Volunteer at we get them their intime for an appointment then straight back to house after takes same time as a taxi but a lot cheaper.

BIWI · 22/02/2022 19:46

[quote FootieMama]@Soontobe60, Agree with you.
OP, I think your husband should step up to support his parents. Cancer is difficult on everyone involved and unless the appointments are everyday he should absolutely take them. They probably need the support that you're husband seems to be better at providing than his brother. I don't think a lift to the hospital is such a massive ask. If I were you I wouldn't try to stop your husband caring for his terminally ill dad.[/quote]
Have you read the thread?! The OP's DH doesn't have a car so giving the PILs a lift to the hospital is a massive ask!

Bromse · 22/02/2022 20:50

I don't understand why they cannot call a taxi. It is better than hospital transport because they won't have to be ready ages before their appointment and hanging about waiting, when it is time to go home they can phone for a taxi and not be staying at the hospital for a long time while all the transport patients are ready (I'm thinking of minibus transport here rather than a car).

We did that for my husband's hospital appointments. He could drive but didn't have to worry about parking. It was so easy (on one occasion we went home in somebody else's cab by mistake, I got a text en route saying my taxi had arrived and where were we ).

Most hospitals have a 'phone on the wall which goes directly to a cab company.

You say they can afford it so why not?

Migrainesbythedozen · 23/02/2022 02:16

[quote FootieMama]@Soontobe60, Agree with you.
OP, I think your husband should step up to support his parents. Cancer is difficult on everyone involved and unless the appointments are everyday he should absolutely take them. They probably need the support that you're husband seems to be better at providing than his brother. I don't think a lift to the hospital is such a massive ask. If I were you I wouldn't try to stop your husband caring for his terminally ill dad.[/quote]
@FootieMama Can you PLEASE read the full thread? Her husband doesn't have access to a car, and he has more than stepped up, so much so it is impacting them both. I don't think his brother with his THREE CARS is too much to ask to give his own father a lift to the hospital is a massive ask as OP's husband CANNOT DO IT. READ THE FULL THREAD or at least all the OP's replies, your comment is way out of line.

Howshouldibehave · 23/02/2022 07:03

[quote FootieMama]@Soontobe60, Agree with you.
OP, I think your husband should step up to support his parents. Cancer is difficult on everyone involved and unless the appointments are everyday he should absolutely take them. They probably need the support that you're husband seems to be better at providing than his brother. I don't think a lift to the hospital is such a massive ask. If I were you I wouldn't try to stop your husband caring for his terminally ill dad.[/quote]
How do you propose they ‘step up’ when OP has the car 20 miles away at work?

Why is it not the brother who has to do any of the stepping up?

FootieMama · 23/02/2022 08:14

@Migrainesbythedozen,
I did read the full thread. And I have similar issue with my husband's family where his elderly dad is ill. He has to travel to another country every couple of months to help them. He feels he needs to do it and I wouldn't stand in his way even when it inconveniences our family in a big way. I read between the lines that the OP is the one objecting and it should up to her husband that understand his own family needs and dynamics. Also, don't use capitals. Its rude.

phishy · 23/02/2022 08:33

@FootieMama you still don’t get it. THERE IS NO CAR TO DRIVE THEM.

Why is it all the people who don’t get it have mummy / mamabear / mama in their username.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/02/2022 08:46

I don't understand why they cannot call a taxi

The issue isn't that they can't call a taxi, use hospital transport or whatever - it's that they don't want to

Unfortunately there are lots of things we all don't want to do, but sometimes they're necessary, and this seems to be one of them