AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

[ChocolateChocolateMint]

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

BIL does not "have to step up" at all. He has laid his own boundaries (as we are all told to do repeatedly on MN). He won't be providing lifts.

You can decide if you will be providing lifts. You would be as bad as them if you lay the guilt on BIL.

MIL/FIL need to arrange their transport. If you can't, or don't want to, then don't.

@AllOfUsAreDead. Wowsers! Would you treat your parents or in laws like that?

Thank you for explaining; all you can do is detach. Just non committal, 'oh that's a shame' and change the subject.

I disagree katya, sounds like the entire family are useless piss takers. No matter how many cars the OP has, why should they run around after them like this all the time? It's not just about the car, presumably they're being asked to take time off work too?

The BIL needs to do his share for a bit, plus they need to use taxis some of the time. Why should it all be on the OP?

OP I'd be saying that you've decided you only need one car from now on if your DH can use the bus easily. Otherwise you're effectively shelling out the purchase and running cost of a second car solely or mainly for their benefit.

I dont blame bil either, maybe he has to work etc, adopt his strategy. There are patient transport and taxi options.

[quote Katya213]@AllOfUsAreDead. Wowsers! Would you treat your parents or in laws like that?[/quote]
My parents wouldn't treat me like that, nor would my in laws, but they are nice people. If they were awful people like this lot, then no I wouldn't help them. Having cancer doesn't give you a right to be awful to other people. And I bet they have been awful long before this.

You can be a mug if you want and go out of your way to help people who are nasty to you. Doesn't mean we all do the same.

@ChocolateChocolateMint my dm is 87 and has to attend the hospital monthly.
My db lives nearby, I live 4 hours away.
Db is retired so takes dm most times but when he can't she gets a taxi, on her own and gets on with it.

I don't understand all these people that need ferrying about when they have all day and a decent taxi company to take them.
Just say no, sorry can't do it.

So @ChocolateChocolateMint
They do sound self centred jot to even ask how you are after such a big car accident and only to moan about their lifts instead

So this is how it is now

You aren't available to give lifts
You don't have a car free and the car you have is at work

They can ask but you cant help . You have helped but can't now your car is written off

PIL can ask GP to arrange hospital transport. They don't like it as it takes a long time, oh well, they can pay for private taxi instead then.

Or your PILs can ask DBIL & pin him down if he can help.

Stop worrying about this, you've done your bit for now and currently can't help
Lee saying no, the ins and outs are irrelevant as they have 3 other real options which they are choosing to ignore.

Your husband needs to find a backbone and put some boundaries in place, as well as explaining to your MiL that her lack of reaction to your accident was very upsetting for you.

@AllOfUsAreDead. Treat you like what?

If your in-laws can pay for taxis, they should do so. Why do so many parents forget that their adult children have lives and are usually still working?

You only have one car and you need it for work - you know, to keep a roof over your head and so you can eat.

They are being completely unreasonable.

I have a friend whose partner has cancer and he is taking himself to appointments on the tram/by taxi when she is working!

@Katya213

Fgs, give them a lift to the hospital, they sound elderly and he's got inoperable cancer. Yes bi L is a useless git with no conscience but honestly, if it were me, I wouldnt hesitate.

The car is at work with OP now, so it’s not an option now. My view is firstly you need to be frank with MIL and expressly say the car isn’t available for lifts now, then someone, whoever that is, you, DH or MIL needs to speak to BIL and tell him he needs to do more and offer some lifts for his dad’s appointments.

OP I'd be saying that you've decided you only need one car from now on if your DH can use the bus easily. Otherwise you're effectively shelling out the purchase and running cost of a second car solely or mainly for their benefit

agree - better for your finances and the climate! And gives you a perfect excuse not to run around after in-laws.

Fgs, give them a lift to the hospital, they sound elderly and he's got inoperable cancer

you've missed the salient point that the OP and her DH only have one car and she needs it for work. You can't be in two places at once.

There is no guilt at all in blaming DBIL, dh certainly needs to be like that himself.
It’s the attitude. It’s the excuses. It’s the expectation. The ignoring, or non reaction, of an accident. The lack of respect.

Because respect is what they demand of us.

And yes, maybe we don’t need a second car. That could be up for discussion too.

[quote Katya213]@AllOfUsAreDead. Treat you like what?[/quote]
Have you not been reading the thread?

They would never ever not ask how I was after an accident. Ever. My parents and my in laws would want to help me in any way they could, even if they were ill themselves. That's how a family should work, they should care about each other and support each other. It should never be one sided like this relationship is.

Her mils only 'concern/question' regarding the accident was 'was it a woman or a man that hit you?'. And the only reasoning I can see for that is she probably thinks a woman driver wouldn't cause as much damage as a man driver, so op would be fine if it was a woman and can carry on being a servant. Got no bloody idea why else that matters and not the health of her dil.

Neither of them cared that op could have died. That wasn't a concern. The concern was so how are you going to take us to hospital, albeit said in a different, hinting way.

Yeah that's people I'd totally jump at the chance to help.

I know it’s not quite the same situation but I went to hospital on the bus on the day I had open heart surgery.

YANBU - now you are down to one car it is the perfect opportunity to draw some boundaries and start saying No sorry - it's very inconvenient for us too only having one car! Even when you aren't at work I imagine there is pressure on the car to be used a lot of the time by yourself or dh on your own life admin.

Taxis are there for a reason and your in laws will have to start using them more often.

I hope that you are okay, OP. It's quite a shock to get, so it's important to give yourself a chance to recover.

YANBU, and from now on, you just don't have a car, or means of transport to provide. Give them a number of a local taxi firm or book a taxi for them.

@Katya213

Fgs, give them a lift to the hospital, they sound elderly and he's got inoperable cancer. Yes bi L is a useless git with no conscience but honestly, if it were me, I wouldnt hesitate.

Did you actually read the thread before posting?

How on earth is OP meant to give them a lift to the hospital? Shall she pull a magic carpet out of her arse and they'll fly there? There is no available vehicle to give the lift.

@JuergenSchwarzwald

Fgs, give them a lift to the hospital, they sound elderly and he's got inoperable cancer

you've missed the salient point that the OP and her DH only have one car and she needs it for work. You can't be in two places at once.

You can't be in two places at once

Indeed 🙂

Well if you’ve got the car at work then you can’t give them a lift. Just say so sorry we only have one car at the moment and I need it for you, have you contacted BIL? Or get your husband to contact BIL and tell him he needs to step up

MIL sounds grim. YANBU!

Is it worth heading off this whole issue by telling MIL that sorry, you won’t be available for any car journeys for the foreseeable future so not to ask?

@GoldenGorilla

You know, I think you have bigger issues here.

You say you had to show them the photo or they wouldn’t have believed you - that’s really weird. Most people don’t need to show family proof!

They didn’t express any concern for how you were. Also weird.

They expect one son to do everything while the other does nothing.

They use guilt and manipulation to try and make you do what they want.

I wonder whether you’d benefit from looking at the stately home threads on mumsnet….lots of support there about how to deal with difficult parents!

Worth repeating.

Your ILs behaviour is really messed up, who doesn't ask if you're ok, whiplash and mental impacts from an accident aren't obvious, looking ok doesn't mean you are ok. As PP have said on here you'd ask a stranger if they were Ok if they told you they'd been in an accident.